I need a course in relaxation. Seriously. This weekend consisted of cleaning, laundry, crafting, writing a tiny bit, reading a tiny bit, and watching a couple movies. Now, this sounds perfectly normal doesn’t it? But I have for sooo long always had obligations or deadlines or commitments that I had forgotten how much time there really is when a person has none of those to contend with. It doesn’t suit me well. Yet. I need to let go of my anxiety over not doing anything and get used to it. Minus the overeating. That part sucks.

I wonder when I became addicted to “doing” so much? Was it theatre? I know when I finally pulled the plug on doing anything (can it really have been less than a year ago?!) I went into the same kind of detox. My mind gets used to tallying and itemizing for whatever cause. Then my health took unexpected turns and here I am, doing what I am supposed to do–nothing. But I do it so badly! I’m an awful relaxer. I keep re-thinking things that need to be left alone. And that is a challenge. But now that I put it out there, I feel better. I am at a point in my life where I can sit back and relax. I’m lucky. These have a tendency not to last. And maybe that’s the problem. I always have a plan of what to jump into next and now, there’s nothing on my agenda. No play, no deadline, no dinner parties, no holiday feasts to prepare, no undertakings.

I understand people need goals and objectives but I think I have overdone it the last few years and it’s time for a break. Again, minus all the food! I vegged. It was wonderful. But tomorrow morning I’ll have regret all the anxiety over doing nothing and wish I had soaked in it as the phone rings, people interrupt me nonstop, and problems surface. I think the lesson today that life is trying to shout is to enjoy the moments. Enjoy the busy times and sit back and enjoy the nothing times. Be at peace with nothingness.