People change. We can change our minds, start over, or leave things behind. Lately, I wouldn’t say I have changed but I will say I’m more of me. Parts I’ve hated for a long time, I’m accepting. And yes, that means things are different.

Lets start with some items I personally get a real kick out of: country music and guns. I’ve began listening to country music again. Not that it ever got as far away as you might think. I’ve taken to writing while watching CMT & GAC (those are the MTV & VH1 of country FYI). I have downloaded way more country music than I can afford too! This brings a smile to my face.

I give off such a rocker image. Lord knows you can’t deny that. I remember at USM a girl my first semester was my Study Buddy and she was trying to put me in a clique in her mind and she said “oh you’re a rocker?” First off, I guess so because that was one I never heard of. Makes sense I wouldn’t know what the shit kickers or preps were calling me LOL! And yes, I suppose I am a rocker. But country was just part of my roots and maybe I denied it. I remember tractor pulls & rodeos. My dad plays steel guitar. My grandmother lived on a big ranch outside San Marcus for a while. I rode my first horse there. Country was always on our radios. Especially Mom. Dad did his duty by giving me my rock and roll fix.

And while I have been on this CMT kick, I discovered this show called Guntucky. It cracks me up and I learn about weapons. My parents owned Red River Gun & Ammo during my jr high days. My dad was a reserve officer for SPD for years and years. My boyfriends were known to go shoot with my family while I would sleep or read in the truck. Yes, it was always a truck I think. So again, this isn’t really a new thing. Like the music, these are things from my past that I rekindled.

And speaking of the past, remember skinny me? Well, she’s back. I’m a size 4 again. I am a little vain these days but I cannot tell you one time in my life I felt really good about my body image. To finally feel good enough to myself is the best feeling in the world. Wait, second best 😉 I have to be careful not to let it go to my head but I must say that doing something for me and seeing results is a damn good thing. I came to realize that I was indeed an emotional eater. I still pig out sometimes (I’ve had like 3000 calories today!!!) but it’s pretty easy to spot when I’m trying to fill a void or distract my brain with food instead of feeling some emotion. It’s a huge deal for someone who has hated mirrors her whole life.

I think I’m starting to be comfortable with all of me. And I’m a lot of contradictions at times. Accepting that–no, ENJOYING that–is a great thing. I’d love to say I’m at a peaceful place but I’m not. I over think and worry too much for that. I am however at a much more peaceful spot than I have been in a long time. That’s good enough for me. Maybe though that’s what peace is: taking what you have and loving it while seeking more. Whatever it is, it’s working for now.

I’ve really had to Woman Up the last little bit. I’ve never really had to woman up to anyone before, I’ll be honest.  I think some of that is because I’m 34, single, without kids.  That’s a selfish life no matter what pretty things you wanna wrap it in.  Sure, at times it’s a totally adult, torturously lonely time when hard decisions are made or the days have been hell at work.  Coming home and being your own salvation is pretty evolving.  But, you can also come home from those tired-as-hell days, throw your shoes all over the floor, go spend a bunch of money on yourself if you want, and (if you really must) the occasional cry-like-a-baby-cause-you-can move is acceptable.  Those are pretty easy reactions.  That kinda attitude can crawl over to your personal relationships too.  You get a little selfish after so many years alone.  Let’s face it: singlehood is the ultimate Your Way Right Away lifestyle.  No one has to be consulted or contacted.  It’s a burden at times, but even on the days it’s a burden you still have to decide based only on what YOU want.  Shit, there’s no one to even consider so what else are you supposed to do?

Well, I’ve taken the last month or so to further inspect the decisions I’ve made as a single woman.  I’ve inspected why I’ve spent time with friends and lovers.  Why is it I have a great life and still longing for more?  The reason was relatively simple: I wasn’t being authentically me.  The year 2013 started out being a huge slap that I wasn’t with who I needed anywhere in my life.  I wasn’t as close to God as I need to be.  I used to have no trouble seeing God in every element of earth.  I’ve been like a bratty little kid trying to get my way instead of listening to the wiser voice.  All this boiled down to one simple concept:  I was settling for less in life.  Less from myself, less from others, less from life in general.  And when I realized God has a LOT more in store for me, things got peaceful.   God’s message was simple: Woman Up.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far when I Woman Up:

Turning my selfishness into being honest with myself is freeing.  I’ve learned to be still inside and really sit with the pain or anxiety and figure out the root of the problem.  Instead of burying things with Xanax, alcohol, clothes, food, or any other distraction I am breathing deeper and letting the feelings I’m uneasy with float to my heart.  I can truly examine them.  I mean, everyone’s issues are gonna come up one way or another.  Being honest about them and not being self-destructive is highly empowering.  And better decisions made quicker brings some peace unlike anything else I’ve ever felt.  Also, making decisions by yourself and living with the consequences instead of whining “what should I do?” to your friends is like going from a murky swamp full of gators in your soul to the crystal clear waters of Fiji. 

Everything in God’s plan has a timetable.  Rushing life is missing life.  I read a book recently and when people of genocide and other horrible tragedy spoke of what they missed, it was the smallest, everyday moments that meant the most to them.  Watching a movie together, dancing, taking a Sunday drive (WHY ARE MY PARENTS THE ONLY PEOPLE STILL DOING THIS?!), and those moments that slip by us without much notice until they’re gone.  The things I miss about people that are gone are the silly things I never said “thank you” for when they were here.  I thank my ex husband all the time for singing little songs to me and teaching me things about cars.  I want a great love story like every girl but I’d rather have a slow, beautiful story that lasts next time around.  I’ll take a smile everyday over great bursts of joy followed by long lulls of feeling lonely with someone.  I was made by God to act spontaneously and not hesitate at times.  Woman Up has meant learning new ways to be courageous and sometimes that courage means slowing down; sometimes it’s that heart pounding in your ear when you defeat fears moment-by-moment.

Reacting with immature emotions and actions is only going to prolong the problem. Seeing a situation for what it is can sometimes be painful.  Sometimes Woman Up means looking straight at the hurt and crying about it.  But Woman Up also means accepting it exactly as it is—come to Jesus anyone?—and finding peace in it.  Stirring it up is lazy & immature.  I ditched friends who love to stir.  I’m not going to be that woman.  Even two year olds get over tantrums quickly.  God made me better than that.  I can tame the crazy child inside.  Facing truth is risky but it’s what true freedom really means.

To Woman Up is to see yourself as perfectly flawed and loving everything God made about you. To hate yourself is to deny that God did everything right.  When I see myself—and everyone else—in that light there are far less wrongs in life.  We can all improve.  There are some that want to and some that don’t.  And, everything/everybody is subject to change.  Accept & respect that.  Instead of going through the same old lines of judging, I’m starting to ask myself why I am judging to begin with.  What’s it say about me that I react in this way?  Again, it’s a quicker and more powerful way to peace.

Let it go.  After you get to the point where you’re clear on it, let it go.  That’s what real acceptance is—taking it at face value and moving along happily.  Woman Up and go about your life being happy.  It didn’t turn out the way I wanted?  That’s fine.  This isn’t my creation, it’s Gods.  The quicker I see that the quicker I can make myself and others happy.  Bottom line: I work through the situation with all the tools I have been blessed with (love, trust, vulnerability, music, writing, self-control, and everything I alluded to above) and build a happy life for myself.  <—that’s the ultimate test of courage and only a real woman can Woman Up to that.

I’m sure there’s more to it but I’m going to go outside and play with my friends now.

I’ve been known to put up some mad walls to people.  I have a sad pattern of not handling some situations to the best of my ability.  I’m proactive in trying to do better.  The Good Lord tested me again.  I feel like I’ve failed.  I don’t know what it is I fail at: seeing someone else’s perspective, my own faults, my reactions, inability to say the right thing at the right time, or that when I’m hurt I have a very bad series of reactions.  I wish I knew how to handle pain better.  Not physical pain, I can handle that.  Well, not really, I’m still a big baby.  But emotionally I just sink down and then my claws come out.  I can’t handle emotional pain.  The thought struck me just now that I just have to calm down and let it hurt.  I can crash and claw at everything and in the end, it will still hurt.  So I can just sit down and cry and feel it for once instead of avoiding it.  In other words, I’m going to confront some fears.  Be vulnerable to it.  Trust someone.  Trust the process.  I didn’t see this sword coming at me but facts are that it struck.  Walking around crazy ain’t gonna help.  Saying nothing hit me and continue into battle is ridiculous.  Pull it out, lay it down, and tend to the wound.  That’s what it is!  I don’t tend to the wounds well at all.  I let them get infected and angry there is a scar.  Ugh.  Whatever.  I’m not sure I make sense.