It’s the month of gratitude and thanks and I started out very strong posting my thanks daily on Facebook. Then… a job, the play, and a new assignment writing for the Coast Observer pretty much got in the way of my daily mediations of thanks. I covered the basics, I’ll at least say that. However, two people haven’t gotten the attention they deserve and I just decided to blog—where grammatically incorrect writing is allowed—instead of a long post or a note.

The first is Amy Hall-Rampage: wife, roomie, co-worker, and generally the keeper of the zoo known as Apryl. I don’t even know where to begin. If you know Amy then you know there’s a reason Kenny gave her the nickname Optimus Prime. She is the most optimistic person I’ve ever met. She is like a light in the dark among people. Sometimes it makes me wanna vomit! 🙂 Joking aside, I’m blessed to have such a person around me. She has the softest heart and makes room for so many people. I just don’t know how she does it. I’m equally saddened she’s moving out and happy she’s found someone to start a new chapter in her life. I know if I ever need her all I have to do is call. And she’s offered to take Chloe for sleepovers so Chloe can also see Paul sometimes. I think this arrangement will work nicely for Chloe and Paul. And if you know me, you know how incredibly guarded I am about this hellacious animal I call mine. Few, if any, people would I drop Chloe off with and not fret about her well-being. That alone pretty much sums up how I feel for this brave woman. Cheers to Christmas spirit, new beginnings, and sleepovers with my dog!

The second person is sooo obvious I shouldn’t even write it. It’s Scott. Now, I am known in my past for pouring out emotions over the years and after a few heartbreaks, I reigned it all in. That’s the funny thing about being human, you don’t have to show emotion to have just as much under the surface. Quite frankly, I’m not really sure the “hold it all in” thing works to my advantage. Somehow I think if I don’t express it, it will be less true. That’s false. The more I hold things in, the less I can clearly see where to put them. However, I think one thing I’ve learned from the polar opposites of self-expression is that a little bit of time to consider things and not immediately reacting has worked in my favor. A little reflection instead of reaction serves a great purpose.

I think one thing that Scott and I share is a little emotional quirkiness. We aren’t going to bust out in some dramatic schpeel. Except me, right now. I’ll drop the general comedic wit and sarcasm for a very brief moment to put it on front street: (Hang on, kids) Scott is the most awesome dude on this planet and he makes my life so wonderful. I feel secure, respected, equal, and comfortable around him. It took a minute to test the waters, but one day my soul just opened up and there he was and I let him in. In the words of Savage Fate, “I will grab ahold and I will never let go” but I don’t mean that in the psycho stalk-you-forever way or the physical hands-around-your-neck way, babe. I mean it as in I will always be there to cheer you on even when it’s really busy and tough because you do it for me. I don’t even think he knows that sometimes his words turn my day around or help me float through until I can catch my breath.

I am not an easy person to love. Mostly by self-design, regrettably. I feel vulnerable and I see weakness. If any of you other ladies happen to feel this way, please read “Captivating” by John & Staci Eldredge. It will change your life FOREVER. It’s a Christian book but even if you aren’t a Christian you can gain insight into parts of your soul you never looked. This is a quote from the book that is from C.S. Lewis’ “The Four Loves”:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable…The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers…of love is Hell.

Wow. If that resonates with anyone, read the book. Every time I quote it, I want to read it again! One last sentence from the book that I have highlighted: “What if you have a genuine and captivating beauty that is marred only by your striving?” Sit on that, folks.

Back to me (you are at apryl.me). It took a lot of time and hard work but everything around me changed when I let go of that stigma that my vulnerability would be a weakness and instead realized it’s part of my strength as a woman and didn’t deduct anything from me. Scott wasn’t the catalyst or the result of understanding my nature better, but I’m happy to share the benefits of it by finding someone worthy to reap what I sow.

Scott, you’re totally awesome, I’m totally lucky, and if I don’t shut this down we’ll be late…again. Thanks for being an incredible man and letting me call you mine.

Before I end I need to list other things I’m thankful for: books, music, dogs, Facebook, the ability to delete the Facebook app, my job, my car, my house, my clothes, the losses that have taught me invaluable lessons, the beach, the sunrise, the moon, and my friends/family<;– I feel they should be lumped as one. Friends are just the family God lets you pick so you can deal with the other relatives.