I wrote the following yesterday.  I’m getting ready to go to my dr visit and I’m anxious.  I just had the conscious thought that I am going to have to pick what stresses me out and what doesn’t.  I’m going to have to let some stuff go.  Consciously pay attention to what I think and how I let it affect me.  Please send some prayers if you have them that they find whatever is wrong! 

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My work is piled up around me. I literally have a stack of 20 or so files that are the same height as my (elevated) laptop. Emails are coming in threatening the dismissal of managers who aren’t up to par. Meanwhile, the last month has seen my health decline. I’m super stressed out because I can’t perform 100% when my body is not there. At first I thought it was my mind and attitude that were the problem. As the days went by and I thought about the cumulative, I had to face the fact something is going on that isn’t mental. I have a dr’s appointment and I am stressed about that even though I am anxious to go and ready to have answers. But, there will be blood drawn and I will have to wait for results. It’s a vicious cycle of stress. My body is screaming for me to go to bed and my mind is saying, “Don’t you dare ask to go home! Get these tasks done you loser.” And writing is super difficult. I don’t even want to do the thing I love the most!

Times like this—when I reach a near breaking point—I have to practice what I’ve learned. I think today that lesson is self-compassion. I have to search through my thoughts and realize they aren’t all in my best interest and find the errors in my thinking. Fact: my body cannot do everything it needs to do today. Fact: I have nourished my body with all good things and am doing the very best for it until I get answers. Fact: there will always be work unfinished on my desk. Fact: I can’t do my best when my mind is racing and overflowing. I have to wonder what my advice would be if a friend came to me and said these things I’m saying? Would I say, “Suck it up, you’re a big girl. Do your job and rest later.” No, I wouldn’t say that. I know some of you might but I don’t think that’s the way to inspire. That’s only making someone feel like they aren’t doing all they can. I wouldn’t want to belittle someone, their circumstance, or shame them. I would say, “I love you and I want you to take care of yourself. You are much stronger than you think you are, but do not be afraid to admit when you are weak.” So why is it so hard to love myself like I’d love a friend? Why is someone else doing their best ok but I have trouble being content with my person best?

In fact, I’d say admitting that I cannot get it done but I will do the best I can under the circumstances is about as good as it gets right now. Being clear-headed and slow is better than frazzled and making mistakes. After all, that’s all I’d expect from any friend or co-worker. Don’t let it get the best of you—whatever “it” is. Don’t let “it” steal your joy. I am so happy right now that I have a job, that I have a great team working in my department with me, and most of all that I have a picture on my desk of a couple who loves one another and will make it through whatever is going on. People are raving about my sock/shoe combo and that’s a happy. I’m gonna have brisket for dinner and cheer on the Lib’s pool team. Who can’t help but be excited about that? So I am gonna crank up the Slacker Spa station and do what I can with a smile and have faith in the universe that it’s all going to work out the way it’s supposed to be.

I had one of those moments where I read something in “Daring Greatly” by Dr. Brene Brown a few days ago and it resonated inside me.  It was palpable.  The words jumped off the page and metaphorically knocked me to the ground. It was a wake up call. The keyword for this blog is “disengagement.”  It describes me and my attitude at work so dang well.  I should have been able to see that on my own without having to read it in a book, yet I didn’t.  I guess it’s a forest/trees kind of thing.  I don’t mean this blog to rag on my job. However, I do think this is a problem and I cannot be the only one facing it. Perhaps one or more people can relate. And if anyone reading has overcame this, please comment or get in touch with me and offer some advice.

I had to sit back and think about when this shift and disengagement all began. A huge turning point was July 18^th, my 11 year anniversary at work. A former co-worker (and someone I considered a friend up until that day) sent me some very hateful texts. It’s one thing to tell someone things they don’t want to hear–Lord don’t I know that—but it’s your intent that really makes a difference. Do you come from a place of love to offer your words or are you coming in as a critic and bully? The things I was accused of and names I was called really could only come from a place with no good intended. And it really did something to me. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I gave someone my power. And it really wasn’t all that surprising to be honest. We’d discussed my job before, obviously. But I think, on some level, I let those words affect me WAY more than they should. I’ve been pretty down and disengaged since then.

I want to innovate, be creative, and make a difference. And I’m at a position where I feel I cannot do any of those things. Maybe this is burn out. Maybe this is ordinary. And I cannot stress how much I do not want to sound ungrateful, but maybe this has been in the making from day one. All I will say is that when Dr. Brene Brown speaks of shame and blame in our organizations and families, it hit me pretty hard. People are not treated equally and oftentimes disrespected. When I cognitively process all this, it’s no wonder I’ve disengaged. It’s almost like I’m on energy-saving mode. Or soul-preservation mode more aptly. The problem with this whole set up is that once you disengage in one part of your life, it tends to overflow into other areas. Nevermind I’m not being a good leader with all this disengagement going on, I’m probably not being a good roommate, girlfriend, or daughter. I’ve also began to wonder if I haven’t taken this into my relationship with Chloe. Am I pulling back and avoiding spending some time at home that I should/could because she’s in bad health and I can’t face it? I dunno, but it’s something to consider.

I haven’t finished the chapter on disengagement. I had to pause and let it all sink in. But something tells me when you have to pull in your authentic self from one area of life, it’s going to be damn hard—if not impossible—to bring the authenticity back to other areas. Without any data from a source, I venture to say in my own life that when I’m disengaged it kills and numb parts of me that can’t just come back to life at 5pm. Despite the best intentions of friends to convince me otherwise, I’m here to say that you can’t become someone brand new at 5:01pm. You’re either in the game or not. Of course, boundaries and other things come up and should be explored (and put into practice!) to make sure you’re healthy enough to contribute meaningfully. It’s my experience that when you start a soul preservation experiment and disengagement at work, it will trickle down everywhere. In the end, I’m left not feeling like I can do enough anywhere.

The sad truth is that disengagement only hurts me, not helps. I feel guilty about the work that I cannot control or finish. I feel guilty I’m not doing more to improve things. I fear that I come off uncaring or cold and not seeing people as human beings with human needs but instead as things that I only deal with because I have to. Maya Angelou once said something about acknowledging people and showing them how your eyes light up when they come into a room. I can think of three times I do this on a steady basis: Chris, Audrey & Chloe. Two of those are pets and I’m only counting them to feel better about my ability to show love. From the moment we met, Christopher has a way of lighting me up inside that I hope is evident in my eyes. Just today I had the thought that I don’t think a million years could go by and it be enough to ever let me show how much I love him. [Yes, the L word. Don’t hate, congratulate.] I ask only one thing of myself: should the ordinary habits of living invade us, may I always remember to light up when he walks into the room. If I cannot tell him or show him in any way, I want him to know he matters to me. Right now, it’s pretty much effortless.

I am determined to re-engage myself. It was the words of my boyfriend that helped me the most. He said, “Remember the serenity prayer.” And I think about this almost daily since he reminded me. I cannot change the senior leaders in this organization, but I can change me. I can change my leadership and hopefully prevent those I supervise from the same fate. I can show them how much they matter, how much they are appreciated, and cultivate an authentic relationship with them. It’s really all I can do. I also read in Dr. Brown’s book that if you aren’t uncomfortable as a leader then you’re not growing or learning and not doing a good job. It’s entirely possible these emotions and lessons have been brought to me to prepare me for something new—some bigger and brighter opportunities I hope lie ahead.

The last day of summer has come & gone. Temperature aside, it’s been the best summer I can recall. I’m sure there were a lot of good ones over the 34 years but I’m glad they all led to this one. I got some brighter shoes, I got my roommates here, I saw live music, I picked up a pool stick for the first time in five years, and I figured some things out about myself and others. I’m quite excited about the future. I would only gush from here so I will stop. Remember, life is beautiful the minute you decide that it shall be and have a heart full of faith.

Last night I had the realization that I live in fear. I had been listening to “Iyanla Live!: Love” and she said there’s only two emotions, love and fear. And where there is fear there can’t be love. That’s a concept that is hard to wrap my head around. But something has been below the surface lately and I’m troubled by it. Physical symptoms are present and finally as I cried into my pillow big admissions came forward: I am afraid. I. Am. Afraid.

I am scared of my little Chloe being in pain and knowing the ending is near. I’m scared I won’t know when the time is right to let her go. I was scared that she would see me cry, know something is wrong like she always seems to do, and hang on longer just to be with me and that made me feel guilty. I am scared the big C is winning the war in two of my friends. I’m scared of the worst and all the things I never said or did or could have done. I’m scared the past is too muddy to bring us closer now. And. I’m scared of losing them. Especially since I have the anniversaries of Kim’s passing approaching and Katrina upon us. I’m scared about work. I’m scared about my relationship with Chris. It’s like once I let fear in, it took over.

Based on the principle I heard from Iyanla, I have the power to call the divine in and bring in the love to all of that fear and more. What good is this worry and fear doing me? There are things I can do for each situation but acting out of fear is not going to be the best way to deal. Much of the items outcome are in the hands of the universe, not Apryl. So today I’m going to do my best to replace the fear with something better. And remind myself of what I can do and what I cannot do.

I’ve written like 5 blogs this last couple of weeks but nothing is worthy of publishing.  It’s all been a big soup of crap inside my head.  Today, I listened to my favorite inspirational speaker [Iyanla Vanzant, duh], slept like a baby with a GREAT nap, woke up and used good hair products, had a HUGE ass steak cooked for me with a fresh salad and tasty tater, and curled up next to the man and half the dogs I love for an hour of tv.  My mind is more clear now than it has been.  And, as I write, my Chloe is seemingly happy laying on the couch, I hear one roommate IMing while she plays Yahtzee and the others are celebrating alone in their room, likely snuggled together.  No, my world is not perfect—nor would I have it be—but it is serene here and I remember that despite the seemingly unnecessary struggles my friends face, it is all in perfect order of the universe.

I guess a lot of people have trouble with my trust in the universe.  But, it’s where I am on the journey.  And earlier today I was thinking about each individual’s journey.  I had to remind myself everyone must take a different path.  No two can be the same.  And, further, how incredibly blessed we are when we find those who desire to share the walk with us.  Be it friends, family, co-workers, pets…whatever soul we get to see a little bit of should be in the blessings category.  We don’t always catch people at their brightest or biggest but sometimes we do.  Maybe that’s why hearing my roommates [and dog] doing the things they love brings me peace.  And then, as I began writing, I got a couple of texts from Chris that just really rounded the whole shebang out.  There isn’t peace on earth, but there’s some right here.  For these small things, I cannot express my gratitude enough. 

I’m supposed to be a writer—someone full of words that should just spew forth and change the world—but all I got tonight is that if you are blessed to be in a peaceful home surrounded by someone who loves you or things that you have tended to with love, than I hope that eases your soul as much as it does mine.  So often people think, “I’ll be happy when ______” and you can insert your own variance.  It can be when I have kids, when I get married, when I drive a new car, when I have a new job, when I can afford this that & the other bauble or bling thingy.  Whatever.  I’m thrilled that my life isn’t in disarray and that I overcame issues that held me back.  I’m thrilled to see my friends reaching successful milestones and others taking life’s hardest hits with grace and perseverance.  You can’t put a price tag on happiness.  And if your life’s happiness starts with this symbol: $…you gonna have a long, long battle ahead.  I fully believe the universe will not hand you more than you can handle.  And if you aren’t tending to the blessings before you, how you expect to gain more?  I don’t know anything, these are just my musings.  Mostly brought on the greatest muse in the world who reminds me daily how beautiful life can be when we’re ready to receive love.

Goodnight world. 

I had to leave work early today. I was at my breaking point. I don’t want to rag on my job publicly and sound ungrateful. I’m very grateful. I just have a point–like all humans–that I’m doing damage and not good. I don’t want to be more of the problem but right now I don’t have the solutions. I brought some stuff home to do over the weekend. I can’t get it done with nonstop interruption and distraction at the office. I came home and started some laundry and moved part of my junk that was cluttering our kitchen. Now, I’m laying in my bed trying to silence my brain and my nerves.

I’ve realized it boils down to helplessness. I’m a strong gal. But my workload is impossible to manage. Add to it I’m watching little Chloe get old and I see her body wearing down. It’s painful. The best advice I received about Chloe came from my friend Charlie. He said, “She’ll tell you when it’s time.” And I’m at the point where I have to ask her if its time. Not yet, but soon I think is her answer. She’s not done, but she’s winding down. Chris’ dog-the awesome Audrey-is young and full of life and being around her reminds me of Chloe’s younger days. I had gotten used to my baby being slow and needing pills, special injections, pain pills, and $50 bath soap. I’d forgotten she was once able to hold her bladder for hours and run. Seeing Audrey play and jump really brings to light how old and fragile my closest companion is now. And I’m helpless. I can’t make her better. I can only treat and ease her pain for so long. And if I were Chloe, how long would I keep going? Not much longer. Her new pain pill isn’t showing signs of making it easier for her to walk or jump. Her skin is better but still infected and she can’t tolerate much petting. It is killing me to watch her fade. But she will tell me when she isn’t up for the fight. As long as she is, I’ll spend my last dime for the care she requires.

And speaking of last dimes, I can’t pursue the career I want because I need the solidarity (as little as there is) of the job that’s killing me because of my finances. I’ve accrued a shit ton of debt that is barely manageable. I take full responsibility for it. But again, it increases a helplessness inside me. All I can do is manage it at this point and I’m doing better at that. That’s some consolation. Treading financial water is the least amount of fun an adult can have! I hate to put it all out there like this, but it makes me accountable. I will get this under control and turn things around.

And maybe that’s what I needed to hear inside me: I can do it. I can take the few things in my life that are my responsibility and manage them and turn things around.

The last two weeks have been super busy and yet super awesome.  I have my sisters back home!!  My two BFFs/former roommates have moved back in and it feels like a home.  I know it’s a lot to work and live with the same people—we are 3 people that are together almost 24 hours a day. But it is like a family here and I just love them so much.  To know that I have two people at any given moment who understand me, will listen when I need to vent or will give me space when I just need to sort through my thoughts, is the best feeling in the world. I’m truly blessed and I can’t even express my gratitude to them. I try to live with the grateful feeling, always conscious of it, so that they know. Because even the best writer can’t translate the magnificent feeling of love and belonging they bring to my life.

I’m also happily in a relationship.  I don’t know how much I should put that out there but seeing as how I made the local news and newspaper with him, I guess it’s no secret.  We’re also Facebook Official, much to Dawn’s delight   I’m hesitant to write more about him without permission but it’s my blog so I can gush about my own feelings as much as I feel comfortable.  And I could go on & on & on & on.  And I might!  Just kidding.  No one wants to read that.  I will say that this man came into my life at the perfect time.  All the issues I have swirling around in this little head seemed to come together.  It makes me wonder if we reflect the gift of life in others or if they reflect life’s gifts to us.  For example, self-image, self-worth, vulnerability, shame, faith, hope, love, and the other various subjects I’ve contemplated all come bubbling up to my brain and my heart.  Sometimes all at once.  Sometimes so much so I can’t even get my thoughts together.  I’d like to express so much to him about these things, yet I can’t even seem to get it together enough inside me to say what’s on my mind.  And those who read my blog and know me can see this is a new twist. 

Is that what love is?  We think of love as something that turns life upside down, but what if it’s something that turns everything right side up?  What if it’s something that doesn’t bring up new issues to ponder, but helps to resolve the ones you’ve been battling?  I wonder if I can gather my thoughts for a moment to try to better explain what I mean.  I’d like to use the example of self-worth because it has plagued my entire life. Dr. Brene Brown covers this subject in her books “The Gifts of Imperfection” and “Daring Greatly.”  She explains it far better than I ever could.  The “not enough” and feeling of scarcity has been with me from the day I was born.  In fact, I’ve always kinda ignored Iyanla Vanzant and others when they allude to past lives or venture into what happens when we’re in the womb but really after 20 years of thinking about it & going to therapy, I can’t come up with any explanation or events that would embed such a feeling of “not good enough” into my soul.  Except, maybe we all come into this world with issues and our mission is to resolve them.  And if it’s inside you before you even know enough to sit back and examine the thoughts in your head, your life is going to be chaos until you identify the issue and have experience to reconcile it.  In other words, maybe babies come here with issues.  For me, it’s the ‘not good enough’ issue.  Until I took a LOT of time—years!—to sit back and watch my life and the people I bring in it and examine everyone from the very start and put my finger on what it was that hurt inside, I couldn’t resolve it. 

Once you can place a name to the pain, you can look back and see how everything you ever did was interpreted by something inside you that you couldn’t even see.  I can sit here at 34 years old and tell you how I misinterpreted a million events all because I never believed I was good enough.  No one told me that—in fact, I was a good child; loved and praised by my family so there’s no childhood trauma to even look to for explanation (which is how I concluded I just came here with that thought in my baby brain).  Lord the years in therapy I could have saved if I’d just arrived at that thought sooner!  Oh well, you have to work backwards in therapy, that’s just the nature of the practice.  I could write my own book based on these last two paragraphs, but I’m getting off track.

The point is that I thought I’d made amends with the issue.  And then I met Christopher Gray.  Over the course of getting to know him, the whisper of “you’re not good enough for this guy” steadily grows.  You’d think it’d simmer down but that’s not how things work.  The greater the possibility our issue might be exterminated, the harder it fights to stay alive.  I’ll openly admit that I fight the battle all the time.  I give myself a pep talk but that’s not always enough.  And it overwhelms me sometimes.  I cracked under the self-imposed pressure at one point and said something mean that I really didn’t mean.  I hate that about myself!  Looking back, what was really happening was the little girl inside me was still looking to be told “Hey, you’re awesome enough to be with me.”  That’s pretty hard to admit, but it’s what was happening..though it took me a day or two to figure that out.  And now I catch myself thinking, “If he knew what was going on inside would it be good enough for him or will he run?”  See what I mean about issues I thought I’d resolved fighting back with bigger battles than they were?  Life gets busy and facing other hard things unrelated make it much easier for the worthless thoughts to get in the way.

Soapbox:  I think we live in a scarcity culture.  You can’t be good enough, fast enough, skinny enough, sexy enough, have enough clothes or toys or a big enough house.  Advertising and media always point out what you don’t have and make you think you need to be happy.  And if you’re worthy enough, you could have these things we’re trying to hustle.  The only thing I’ve found that brings peace is knowing that if you have your basic needs met, than you do have enough.  Simply discredit the images and notions that you see.  Until the day I realized I cannot do enough, buy enough, or please people enough I was unhappy. 

Once the reality of the fact that I am perfectly enough (as much of an imperfect being as I am) set in, I thought I was free.  It was definitely freeing. But you have to keep it in perspective and realize what it boils down to is that buying, doing, and pleasing aren’t the road to recovery.  I instead have only one solution right now to rectify and disarm my inner demons and that is practice gratitude and have faith.  I have previously outlined my gratitude practice and admit that I’ve let it slip the last two weeks.  I have to figuratively slow my roll and realize I’m grateful for every single solitary second I have the pleasure of being in the presence of someone who apparently thinks I’m cool enough to spend time with.  And who has gone the extra mile to make me feel special.  Instead of sinking down into thoughts of not being enough, I need to simply say thank you to the universe and have faith it’s all working in my favor.  It always has; and I can’t imagine the thought of letting this “not enough” get in the way of something awesome.  So I fight it the best I can. 

That’s all I have in me today folks, and it took hours to even get this one finished!

It has recently been decided (no, there wasn’t a vote or anything) that I am happier than I have ever been. My mind is clear, my focus is on what’s important to me, & I feel that my dreams are closer than ever. And to me, that might be the closest thing to bliss I’ll ever know. The greatest shift is realizing that “bliss” lies in the repetition of peace, happiness, and fulfillment in my life as opposed to blissful moments.

I’ve had the incredible blessing of blissful moments throughout the last 34 years. But it doesn’t compare to the extended period where I find that I am ok in the world just as it stands. Finally, I’m content with my troubles; things like being single, not having kids, my dog approaching her twilight, a stagnant career, and no money. So what? No one has it perfect. Maybe they have some of these things I just named, but no one’s life is perfect nor shall it be. It’s taking a bumpy road and smiling as you bounce along that creates authentic joy. I have learned to do that. I am grateful for what I have and more importantly grateful for what I lack.

My greatest teacher has been gratitude. And it dawned on me–& I had to meditate on this for several months to actually experience it–things have to come to fruition. No magic potion is delivered. And I could kick my old self (but nobody got time for that either) for unconsciously being irritable because things weren’t happening for me. Things WERE happening for me. Pieces, people, places were coming together. And the most free feeling of all is knowing that life is always doing that for me. Something awesome is always in the works for me.

I don’t have time to be bitter. Also, I’ve noticed my appreciation of people has been extended. Am I looking for a mate? Well, sure I guess you could say that. I’ll keep my eyes open. But pursuing and being observant to the universes nudges are two very different mindsets. I find honesty, passion for hobbies, spirituality, and sense of humor & adventure are trumping good looks, fast cars, and fun. I find people who are comfortable with themselves and content in their life to be super attractive. Make me laugh? Well you’ll score more points with that (and a deep discussion of ideas that matter to you) than you will buying me a drink.

I just look in the mirror and think “that girl is beautiful, has an infectious and annoying laugh she uses often, has a spiritual energy that’s on fire, has dreams in her heart that are coming into bloom, and makes better decisions now than ever before.” It’s the freest I have ever been.

I had an unusual request today—to blog about someone, good & bad, all of what I thought.  Now, at first I was like, “Ok, she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and the first negative thing I bring up we’ll be done.”  Prior to that, another person was discussing some anger towards his family and how they’ve treated him.  It all boils down to one thing—we care what other people think of us. 

Part of me thinks it’s simply human.  Maybe just a part of being alive.  Animals might even give a shit what other animals think.  Otherwise, why (& how) would they mate or play?  I guess we’re exactly the same—we all want to mate & play.  To do that, we have to be liked.  Or well tolerated, at minimum.  Even if it means we’re hated by the majority.  Westboro Baptists and Neo-Nazis still want the fondness of those in their (dysfunctional) little groups.   Those who don’t care are probably at the top of the mentally ill and dangerous lists. 

But what I want to strongly emphasize is that when you care what people think, you must understand you’re dealing with other humans.  Ms. Blog Thang’s blog wouldn’t be as much about her as it would be about what I relate to in her.  I could never encompass her motherhood, her marriage, or loss of a sibling because I have not walked in those flip flops.  I would only be able to vividly portray the parts of me I recognize in her; the part that gives me a sense of belonging when I’m with her and when we talk.  I can’t see her walk with God or what ignites inside when she does something she is quite passionate about. 

And that’s true for Mr. Family Guy too.  I only have my own experience to judge from.  I can relate on certain issues because we’ve experienced the same emotions, but the details would escape me.  The stories that mold us, while perhaps similar, will never be 100% parallel.  I tend imagine our journeys on earth plotted like a map.  And I place a dotted line on it of my path.  I can then trace some of yours.  Sure, maybe we started in the same point, we intersected at times, but the route we each take is different.  And if we mapped everyone’s starting points, you’ll soon see a ton of intersections among people.  Though no route is the same, we’re all criss-crossing each other somewhere. 

And to me that is the joy in life.  No path is exactly the same but if you look around you will realize you aren’t alone.  No one but you can accurately pinpoint your heart and your ideas.  But when you feel like no one is there, or has been where you have, you can close your eyes and remember that for longer than we can imagine people have walked the earth and experienced it.  Maybe it wasn’t I that was on a certain part of your journey, but if you’re reading this, I’m damn sure right beside you now.  You can’t feel my breath, you can’t know the prejudices I come with, but you can know the path is yours to rightfully claim and that I’m here to dance along with you.  I think that’s the very best thing we can do as friends.

And, I started a new Facebook community if anyone wants to go “like” it:

https://www.facebook.com/Good.Vibrations.Prayers

My cousin and BFF, Amy, told me some time ago about the “ball of happiness.”  The way she explained it, no matter what, we are in control of our happiness.  It’s a ball you keep inside your heart and no one can touch your ball.  I think some visualization is necessary for this exercise of the soul.

First, you have to close your eyes to see your own Ball of Happiness.  For example, when I close my eye and I think “what does my ball of happiness look like?” I see that mine is like a giant, glittery moon with some purple added in it.  I thought of the brightest moon I’d ever seen (or seen a picture of), added some sparkle, and naturally added a touch of my favorite color.  It’s a moon because I think of it as having some sort of swirling fog going on—it’s a living organism that has motion.  Even though I can’t see inside it, I think about my vacations, my laughter, and my dog and I know my ball of happiness is always alive when I nourish it with these thoughts.  So inside my heart lives this beautiful, moon-ish ball and no one can get to it.  That’s an important element to maintaining happiness—not letting other people get to you.  You see, your ball of happiness is the core of your happiness.  From it radiates all the joy, thanksgiving, and creativity you experience and share.  Other people benefit from your ball—and maybe the people you love can get close enough to see it—but they must never have control over your ball.  “You have to protect your balls!” Amy says. 

Her metaphor, which I love visualizing and expanding on, is all about the essence that you create your own happiness.  People will try to steal your balls.  The bigger, brighter, and shinier your ball is the more people will try to take it.  Normally, this is NOT their intention.  For those who roll thug with the best balls, you may think there are happiness vampires who try to come along and steal it.  And in a way, they are.  There are creatures designed to try to come along, bond with you, get inside you, and take a piece of you with them—they’re called humans. Humans need a sense of purpose, belonging, and love.  When your ball emits it, it’s the human condition to want a piece of it.  All these people who rant about being used, abused, and think their energy is just being selfishly sucked away by those around them need to wake the fuck up!  [Yes, I dropped the F bomb!]  This very matter has ended friendships and relationships because people fail to see what other people need.  The very fact someone needs your brightness in their life—maybe their balls are small!?—is the greatest compliment on the planet.  And yet, some still complain about how other people come and use up so much of what they have.  Well, listen up, guard your balls.  Share of them what you can, but remember that you alone build and hold the ball.  If you let people in to eat your core, you’re gonna face the consequences of that.  But stop blaming a human for wanting to be around your soul.  It’s a basic NEED.

Your ball is created between you & the universe.  It’s your responsibility to protect and nourish it.  If you cannot do so, and your ball fluctuates in size and shape, that’s also between you and the universe.  If you give some away, then you must use the universe to fill it back up.  No other person or object can fill the needs of the heart.  There are things called emotions and prayers that build a strong ball and keep it safe.  And are you ready for the catch?  While you alone are responsible for your ball, your life is incomplete without meaningful engagement with others.  Your ball has to be exposed and it has to radiate so that it is felt by someone else.  It’s a tricky scenario and I see a lot of people ensnared by unhappiness simply because they’re comparing balls and not maintaining their own.  I can certainly relate.  I was on a break from maintaining my ball and a friend loaned me all the knowledge of her ball.  This was an epic fail on both parts.  I cannot be complete without my own ball, and she can’t give so much of herself that nothing is left at the core.

I’m gonna go play with my ball now.  Thank you, Amy for the gift of the Ball of Happiness analogy which I have had so much fun with lately!