Sadie came to me a few minutes ago–as she always does–and just stood beside me as I was sitting on the patio. We are almost eye to eye. I leaned over–as I always do–and showered her sweet face with kisses. It instantly calmed me. After 12 days straight of going to work, I was tired by 7pm yesterday and I was pretty happy about the weekend. I thought I would sleep like a baby last night. I did. I got a maximum of three hours sleep and I feel like crap.
My brain wouldn’t turn off. It’s odd. But I think it’s stress. Turning off is a practice and something requiring diligence to achieve. It’s why some meditate. Calming the mind and body is a skill. I laid down to sleep and my jaw ached. The pain is spreading into my ear. This had me suddenly panicked about what nine million diseases I might have. And so I tried to think of something peaceful. After such a long stretch at work I didn’t want to focus on that. Besides that means notes and to-do lists and that’s not peaceful; however, it can be productive. Productive wasn’t what I aimed for at 3am. Enough whining and detailing: I was miserable what little night I had.
But when I kissed my Sadie just now, it all finally washed away. And it struck me how I saved Chloe when she was a puppy at a shelter, but Sadie? No, Sadie is the one who rescued me. And I think, just maybe, I am leaving survival mode and going into thriving mode. My 90 days are up, I have a better understanding of my job, the company, the mission. But when you have spent 11 months feeling like everyday is ride or die, it’s hard to step back and say to yourself, “relax. Everything is fine. You’re good now. The sea is calm.” For 11 months I spent most days clawing my way out of depression and not knowing how I was going to eat that night. I had no assurance and promises from someone who I couldn’t trust. You get used to that pattern. It’s a hard cycle to break.
I was Chloe’s mommy. She was a substitute for a child I desperately wanted. She was nurtured and spoiled rotten. Sadie on the other hand came to a different woman. Sadie came to a woman who had only housing, love, and went through savings to treat her health. Most of the meals I prepared here at the house cost under a $1 or $2. Weenies and Mac and cheese. Canned tuna in 99 different ways. Sandwiches with the cheap meat. Chips because good god a woman has to have something decent!! Sadie’s food might actually break down to costing more than I had the first few months we were together.
Life was a struggle and when I felt like giving up, here was this dog with nothing but loyalty and love beside me. I cried, she laid with me and licked me. I rested, she was in my eyesight resting beside me. I wanted to go outside, she accompanied me. A silent and constant reminder I was not alone and to not give up despite having no idea what life might throw at me next. It was fight, flight or freeze and I was fighting to stay alive.
I suddenly realize I can close that chapter. I can finally look back and see I am out of the tunnel that was long and dark. My subconscious doesn’t get that. It’s still looking for the next storm. There is no storm. Sadie walked beside me out of it. Chloe got a different Mommy but I will forever hold Sadie as the one who pushed me with nothing but love through the darkness. Sometimes it was her face that kept me from not falling apart. Today I realized we are both off the streets and safe and maybe now I can rest.
APRYL.ME 