Oftentimes I have to remind myself that the immense pressure I put on myself regarding the future–about who I am, where my life is going, and how it’s all going to end up–is completely self-created.  It’s one of those days where I need the reminder.  There is no Atlas of Life that is going to lay everything out & give me pictures of how my life should be. There’s no progress chart or percentile to compete with.  I know a couple of my close friends often struggle with similar issues and I wonder, does everyone?  Are the rest of you living a life with a constant pull inside telling you that you aren’t where you should be?  I have to fight that nagging feeling at regular intervals.  Most of the time I can pat myself on the back for being 100% satisfied with what is; for living in the moment and savoring the blessing of this journey called life.  I am generally at peace with the fantastic voyage I am on.  Today, however, I could use a reminder that the future is uncertain and the secret to having a wonderful future is to enjoy today.  I wonder if I should just ask Siri to set up a regular reminder on the iPhone.

It’s funny that the future can have such real psychological effects when it is really just our imagination. You cannot be certain of the future as much as I can’t.  And even those who can see into the future can only see a small slice, not the big picture.  And it’s the big picture that haunts us.  For example, does anyone remember the dream scene in Look Who’s Talking where Kirstie Alley is hanging from that big clock?  I get it now.  I get how a woman’s biological clock starts ticking and we feel our opportunities to create our family are about to expire.  For a long time it felt like I had sooooooo much time to worry about whether or not I wanted to be married (again) & have kids.  But these days creep up on you in your 30’s that just seem to scream at you that you’re nearing the end of the game and if you wanna make a play, you better do it quick.  It’s a horrible feeling really.  Pain from others I can understand and deal with; internal, self-inflicted wounds are often less obvious.  Which is why I like to blog and try to make sense of it all.

One thing I know for certain is that some decisions are good when they come with some pressure.  In fact, I specialize at making good decisions on the fly and make a great living at it.  However, some “decisions” are not best made when under pressure.  And the fact that the direction my life takes concerning a family is at the mercy of who enters my life just makes it very silly to worry about it.  I have no control over that.  I try to be a good person.  I try to learn from my mistakes and keep my mind in a good place.  That’s about the end of my control over the issues.  From that point, it’s up to fate, destiny, chance, God, karma [choose whichever you like] to bring people to me that may or may not be on the path best for me.  And, I must ultimately surrender to the fact that I don’t always know what path is best for me.  There’s not a road we can choose, there’s a bunch of tiny steps in the right direction that gets you to where you’re going.  So the pressure and the ticking clock inside me, that’s just in my head.  I can’t control these factors and I wouldn’t want to do so if I could.  I’m not qualified.  I trust a higher power.  I also trust that higher power has given me everything I need or will bring it to me so that I can make the best decisions when I do need to make them.  But that’s not today.  And if I’m grateful for every day up to today, why not let the pressure ease off and just enjoy this day?  Obviously everything has happened exactly the way it should have so the negativity needs to dissipate because it serves no purpose.  My life is full of glitter and awesomeness.  To worry about things out of my control is almost like not being grateful for the life I have now.  And that’s complete B.S. because it’s sooooo fabulous at apryl.me!

If anyone else is feeling some imaginary pressure about things that are beyond your control, let it go and remember how blessed and awesome things are right now.  Trust that you are being taught the lessons you need for your dreams to come true at the exact moment they should.  I’m glad it all came to me when it did, including you my dear friends!

“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” – Scott Hamilton

You know, that statement is very true.  I’ve found at age 33 that people are starting to really settle into their attitudes.  I’m the first to admit I’m guilty of this, especially at work.  After a decade I have become hardened and less creative.  I hope that acknowledging the problem is the first step to change.  I trace this attitude to something similar to what Einstein said–“To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.”  I agree!  I did not anticipate the track my career would take or the level of responsibility I would come to have.  I’m extremely blessed and I need my attitude to reflect that no matter how frustrated or busy I am.  Sometimes I act like my job is a curse when it is a huge blessing and I’m the luckiest girl I know to get to work in a never-boring atmosphere.  I’ve worked hard for it and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else because whatever “else” might be, I wouldn’t have earned it.  I have blood, sweat, & tears in this job and I can be proud of that.

My attitude outside of work can be snarky at times but I try to be positive.  It’s pretty easy considering I love my life!!  I have the best friends, I’m in an incredibly creative region, there’s a beach here for heaven’s sake, and there is always something to do.  I’ve found the Mississippi Coast fits me well because it’s a nice blend of things to do and yet relaxed and not as hectic as, say, New York.  Sometimes I wish I was in NYC and feeling that electricity, that buzz, that is simply the energy of a city that is moving at the speed of light.  It’s a palpable feeling of anticipation and imagination that runs through the streets of NYC and it sure was amazing to tap into that for a few days.  However, I personally would never even consider having a kid or a dog in NYC.  But I would like to go there a couple times a year for the rest of my life!!  Tony Robbins always says to make a change you need to first change your location.

I think the key to having a great attitude is to be in a spirit of gratitude constantly.  Not to shove my religion down your throat, but I make only one request for myself when I pray and that is “to be an instrument of peace & love.”  I’ve found that’s really all I want from God.  If I can ever succeed at that day in & day out, I’m as close as I can get to God.  And I have a lot of work to do!  Aside from that request, I ask for peace and love for anyone suffering.  I think it to be God’s greatest gifts.  Then, I always end my prayers with a list of things I’m grateful for.  That could go on & on & on.  Throughout the day, especially if I hear of tragedy, I thank God for how very small my suffering has been and–again–send those in need peace and love.  When I pay bills I remind myself to be thankful for the fact that while the money leaves the bank rapidly, it was at least there to begin with!!  I’m thankful to have known love and to have lost it.  I’ve never been happier so no reason not to be grateful for the lessons that got me here.  And I’m really grateful for the fabulous lunch today.  Yes, indeed, life is beautiful.

Those are the words of my dear friend, Trey.  Trey & I bounce our thoughts off one another a lot.  Comparing our life notes.  He’s probably my most trusted confidant.  Wait, he’s also my attorney–when/if needed–so I guess that’s a good thing!  His description today was brilliant (IMO) and it had me wondering what people would do if they actually knew what we thought of them.  If it were harder to lie or hide, would we we be happier or would we only be hurt continually?  If we found there were patterns about us, would we change?  I highly doubt the subject of mine & Trey’s conversation would describe themselves as such in a million years.  Or would they?  Would they even guess it was them?!?! LOL if anyone actually reads this–& according to stats there are only a couple of you–if you think you could be the mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma you just ask & I’ll honestly tell you yes or no. 😀

On another note, Sordid Lives cannot come soon enough.  I know that once I get into rehearsals 4 nights a week and weekend scavenger hunts for props I will be exhausted.  And by show dates, I will be ready for the cast party & strike! But…until then I anticipate the days when I can start watching the magic come together.  I love free time.  But I have an awful habit of being lazy and gaining weight when I’m not occupied with activity.  I chastise this part of myself severely day in & day out.  I realize the only thing stopping me from having everything I wanted in the world is me.  I know this because never have I put my mind to something and failed.  When my mind & my heart are in sync and motivation is high, I’m like a fire out of control.  That has its undeniable pleasures but also means I can be stubborn and unreasonable.  I’ve had to learn some things must be dropped for the sanity of myself & those I love.  And I have also learned that when I make that decision to let it go I must own it.  It’s always my decision to either follow or deny my passions.  Perhaps the greatest lesson of all is that when my passion means losing someone, that person wasn’t meant to go any farther on the journey with me.  And my greatest fear is that I will end up chasing my passions and dreams and succeed and then end up alone.

Do I know too much or too little?  If I know that success is nothing without people who love you… and I don’t want to go all the way only to look around and be alone… am I wise to gauge my passion and reign myself in and not dive in so deep no one can catch up?  Or, am I delusional & simply convincing myself there are reasons to be lazy?  Cause there’s lots of good reasons to push people aside and chase that dream but there’s also the thought that if I actually made it I would look around and have no one to share it with.  For me, that would be devastating.  I’d be a hot mess.  I know myself so incredibly well that I know that much.  Or would I just chase the next creative thought down until it came to fruition and die happy with myself?

So while that’s my greatest fear, my greatest hope is that I can both create success and share it.  I want more but I stop myself because I’m scared of the cost.  Which will immediately stop today because I realize–now that I’ve gotten to the end of this blog–if I am not happy and I’m not pursuing my own interests, I’ll make someone miserable.  It’s all about balancing isn’t it?

Wow, I kinda lost myself a couple times in that extended thought.  I apologize if that makes zero sense.  Well, you can take one thought away from this blog–she’s as messed up as I thought she was 🙂

So, it dawns on me (hahaha it’s 5:59am & I’m just getting to bed) that it is Independence Day.  I realize I should be more patriotic, but I’m just not feeling it this year.  In fact, at this moment I’d be willing to travel elsewhere so that maybe I will actually appreciate my country more these days.  Humans, I can’t live with them & can’t live without them. Eh.  The thought did strike me on my drive home that I should celebrate my own independence today.  I’m often referred to as an independent gal.  I’m not sure that is always complimentary, but I see how much truth lies in it.  I live alone (albeit not for much longer), I have a career that was self-made, I am not afraid to go out and try new things, I’ll travel anywhere in the world alone, I make tons of decisions daily without consulting anyone or anything.  I guess I do live a pretty independent life.

Not to harp on it more than I already do but some of that independence is circumstance and not personality.  I mean, who exactly would it be that I would depend on?  I’m alone.  I am forced to be independent.  At times it feels like solitary confinement.  Unfortunately, this puts me in the position to have one person to worry about, to examine, and to judge.  The more time that passes the more I desire for there to be a partner, someone who I can put a little energy towards and take me out of the spotlight a little.  Perhaps some children that can totally ruin all this independence.  😉  Until then, the only subject under my mind’s microscope is me.  Apryl.me.  I reckon I am severely harsh on myself.  With no one else to blame or meter, I’m constantly finding my own mistakes.  And, it feels, overly so.

What’s the Socrates quote, “the unexamined life is not worth living?”  Heh, well I have to now ask, is the overly-examined life worth living?  It’s starting to get ridiculous.  Such as, I saw a friend was online when I logged into FB.  Then, less than a minute later, she went offline and I was thinking, “Oh man, did she see me come online and didn’t want to chat so she went offline?”  And that’s when I knew I was an over-thinker.  Because, let’s say this is exactly why my friend went offline–to avoid me, who the fuck cares?  Did I log in to chat with her? Nope.  Did I have anything significant that she needed to know?  No, that’s why I text.  Or send a FB message that can be read later.  And finally, it’s a tad narcissistic and psycho to even go down that road in my head in the first place.  And I do this to myself all the time.  I’ll be walking and tell myself this nail polish really makes my toes look longer than they already do.  I will constantly wonder what’s wrong with me or find an imperfection to ponder.

Today, I am relieving myself of this self-imposed duty.  I am becoming independent of the scrutiny.  I am going to try to do it one day.  I’m sure my natural thought flow will lead me down that path but I have the freedom to choose another thought, and I’m exercising it.

Happy Independence Day!

I’m bloggin’ in my black broom skirt.  Members of the “Coven” -as we’re affectionately known- understand this means it’s about to get serious, yo.  Today’s mystery is the labeling that goes on in the music industry.  Post-punk set me off.  I mean, what IS that supposed to mean?!  Was every other adjective in the dictionary unavailable the day someone repeated it.  I’ll give the original user that we all have bad days and sometimes the creativity is turned to 0.  But for someone to repeat it as if it held authority?  Well, that’s just lame.  If you want to build a set of rules & restrictions around musicians, at least find something fitting.  Grunge?  I mean, we didn’t know what that was in Sherman, TX in 1991.  Quickly we learned and at least it’s something descriptive.  It’s unique.  Post-punk makes music sound like architecture.  While I enjoy architecture, I need my music to sound, well, like music.

And what musician wants to be labeled?  Let’s say Joe Dirt says, “I want to be the best country star in America!” then doesn’t he, by definition, then limit himself?  Garth Brooks–not my favorite all-time musician but I have been known to have a few Coors and find myself digging some Low Places or wailing “bring me two pina coladas”.  Say that man had limited himself in his own mind.  Would he have crossed the pop boundaries? became a superstar? changed country music?  I don’t know.  As a writer, I cannot allow myself to pick one avenue of a defined genre and call myself that particular type of writer.  I have on more than one occasion suggested it to myself and when I do it’s like the circuits break.  I cannot narrow my tastes, no matter how well intentioned I am, because it seems to cause me grief.  If it’s non-fiction I tell myself to sit down & ponder, than I feel like I have to kill the creativity and nonsense that fiction elements bring into my writing.  I cannot do that.  If I try to write poetry intentionally, I find myself looking like an idiot, staring into space.  I’d think musicians (for the most part) do not work well within the confines of traditional labels.

I don’t even know why the use of post-punk set me into a blog but it did.  Perhaps it’s because I hate molds and labels in general?  I find labels useful in certain circumstances.  Ex: He didn’t call when he said he would?  Obviously, he’s a douchebag.  File him in category: DB.  I suppose that’s a coping trait and I’m sure if I googled “psychology behind labels” I would find answers as to why most humans like to label things.  It’s obviously not because I’m a disorganized pack rat that I break free in my own mind from them.  I use them, I need them.  Just like everyone else.  I just do not like overuse. Especially in music.  Music is a passion and to label something is to say with authority that you know or have ability to put the writer where he/she belongs or understand where the piece comes from.  No, you don’t. 

An exception should be when the musician labels the piece.  Musicians are oftentimes forced to place labels on their creation, sadly.  As if the label of “rock” or “alternative” or “metal” will define if we like it or not.  I give more credit to people who take the time to conjure up a description of the sound and don’t try to place music in a box.  Music, for the most part, is outside the box.  Not always, but I admit that I really did like Britney Spears “Toxic” at one time.  Please, judge me.

In my mind, music–like people–either does something for you or does not; is good for you or is not.  Get a thesaurus and tell me what I really want to know about music. 

-post-Apryl

It took like 15 minutes for my computer to warm up & act decent enough for me to get to the point where I can even write a blog.  Unfortunately, I only had about 20-30 minutes to write.  So, let it rip.

My day started with Chloe tossing & whining.  I was saying “No! Go back to sleep!” and that’s when she farted in my face.  My attitude changed immediately as the air around me began to change.  So, up we were.  I was grouchy but then I realized I have no reason at all to be in a bad mood.  Sure, my life isn’t perfect.  For a decade I was driven into thinking that money would change that.   I make approximately 5 times what I did in 2002.  It’s been comfortable and convenient, yet it never managed to fill a gap inside me no matter how hard I shopped.  My mindset was always on “when I get one of ___” instead of “I am so glad I have ______________________” and please note the latter is a a lot bigger than the former.  So lately, I’ve come to believe and feel that no matter what I buy, I can only fill anything inside me wanting for a more perfect self with more of me.  No car, condo, or outfit is going to change a thought or a feeling.

It’s quite freeing.  But you’d think I’d have had more money! 😀  The trip to NYC wasn’t expensive as one might guess (I guess) but it drained me.  Now with unexpected tiny costs mounting up, I’m not free to buy anything.  And I’m kinda–in a weird way–very happy about it.  It’s like a challenge to myself.  “There, you can’t go buy your way out of this, work around it.”  Being forced to stay home and not go out several nights a week is going to be the biggest challenge.  I should write or clean.  I did clean a little last night but I also caught up on my DVR some, read some, played some internet games, potted some plants and mostly loved on my little dog.  Unsure of tonight’s adventure but I’m hoping a little creativity might creep up on me and lend some artistic endeavor of some sort, especially welcome any of the linguistic nature.  I have a script idea that needs to be worked out and put onto paper.  Or digital paper.

Don’t forget to be grateful today.

One in a million.  Sometimes, at those rare events, you feel like you are one in a million. Like no one could ever possibly feel this exhilarated, accomplished, loved, or whatever the feeling is that is pushing itself up from your diaphragm to your throat and swelling inside your chest.  Whatever it is, you know for an instant it is just yours.  Like you captured a falling star.  You tasted the last drop of dew from the last rose on earth.  Your face flashed before billions of others and they smiled when they saw it.  Your melody made one persons heart explode.  Like you were inside the tomb with Jesus Christ himself and you rolled that stone away.  When someone laid eyes on you they decided never to take them off of you again. Etc. Etc. Etc.

~

And then there are times when you have to remind yourself everything you can imagine was & is already here.  [google “All You Need is Love” lyrics]  Every emotion has crossed paths with millions of others on billions of occasions and though it is fresh for you once again, it is nothing more than a necessary ingredient to keep the globe spinning.  Oh, I don’t mean to sound dismal and pessimistic, not at all actually.  Just stating a fact that I don’t think we humans care to acknowledge on the regular.  Those wonderful, fateful moments rush through us and we experience the glory…and then they are over.  And that is how it was meant to be.  And I don’t know about the rest of you, but a whole lot of people I know live for the next moment, the next rush of blood to the head.

That’s fine I suppose—I await one this instant myself!  But I have to remind myself that moment was mine and now it’s time for someone else’s.  We each have our moments and they are the same feelings and of the same quality that first began in the Garden of Eden. Yes, I experienced it and now it’s time to give it away.  It’s your turn.  Or his turn.  Or their turn.  Life is unfolding exactly as it should and exactly as it has always been.  You get to hold onto it and then you get to watch it fly away like a balloon in the sky.  One in a million for an instant.

apryl.me is up and running!  I am going to try to keep this a very positive spot.  I’m a writer and writers share feelings and sometimes sharing feelings isn’t always positive.  There are negative feelings that exist and sometimes we just have shitty ass days.  Oh, and yes, I’m gonna be a potty mouth because…well…um, it’s Apryl.  Overall, I know the good will beat the bad.  Today, not so great.  Tomorrow, bound to be better as long nothing I did today gets me fired.