I was a sleepyhead last night. I was in bed by 9…& here it is 4am and I’m awake. Wasn’t feeling 100% yesterday and my roommate has an upper respiratory infection. Don’t have time to be sick. Too much living and working to do. I love those Emgeren-C vitamin packs so I’ll continue to take those I guess. My, I wake up very rambly at 4…

I have already had an AHA moment today, which is impressive. I get a couple of daily inspirational emails so when I realized it’s a bit early to wake people up with my crafting, I opened my emails to read those. There was one today that struck me. See, my anxiety has been higher than normal (& my normal is pretty high anyway) and I thought it was because of “the endings” I wanted to see in my head. What I realized today is not that I am attaching to an ending as much as thinking how happy I’ll be when situations are wrapped up tidily and I can have certainty. Which is ridiculous. But that’s how anxiety tends to work–while you may have rational problems anxiety and stress compound them by making your body and mind dysfunction.

Basically attaching an ending of any kind to your happiness is failure. At least for me. Because ultimately the universe and people in it are going to do whatever they damn well please. You get to choose how much they affect your spirit and joy. I have been so caught up in my own emotions that I forget how inconsequential all of them truly are. Funny how everyone is doing their thankful monthly post and I was sort of rolling my eyes. Normally I participate every year. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday!!! One year I planned my list in advance and tagged a friend each day. Why was I rolling my eyes this year? Because I have lacked the spirit of gratitude and each post was a reminder of such lack. It had zero to do with the practice of others. Maybe today I will play catch up. Mine won’t be the same as years prior. And while my body is still tense and tired I think my mind is finally on the anxiety mend. I’ll include the quote today in case anyone needs reminding.

I have such little tolerance for remaining patient. I am not blessed with the patience some people exude. I don’t why that is. Perhaps I was given a generally restless soul when they were being handed out. Who knows. I am aware of my restless spirit and curious ways. I think my awareness makes it a lot easier to deal with. But it offers challenges.

I quit asking the divine forces behind our beautiful universe “Why” a long time ago. When I stopped asking and started accepting, it became easier. I still feel the compulsive nature inside me to but I don’t squander time away with questions. Worry, however, is a completely different beast. Like these days, I have few worries. There’s water damage being assessed but I have insurance and a mild deductible I can hopefully pay. It makes my heart race. Dog sick and dying, but I she’s not in much pain and she’s not ready to go. And the list rattles on. But more importantly, I have problems with solutions. Nothing is so big it can’t be handled. My health is fairly better and I have to wait for more tests. I guess the thing that surfaces here is that I’m waiting. And I’m not real good at that. I think that’s why I like making little crafts. It takes me away mentally from my worrying. And writing. Same there.

I need to work on my patience during this time. I kinda see that as being the test given to me right now. Other tests have come and still linger, but the patience thing is a doozy. I’m getting a gym membership and maybe I should start meditating too. Focus this energy somewhere until the answers come. And on that note, the sun has officially risen. Let the blessings rain down today.

I recall reading a book a long while ago called “Skipping Christmas.’”  That’s pretty much what I’m doing with Halloween this year.  If I get to leave work at 5pm, Amy brought home enough candy to sit on the porch and be entertained by the kiddos for a little while before dark and that’s the extent of what I’m doing for Halloween.  All my costumes and accessories are in storage and even if they were here, I’m not sure I’d feel up to it.  Work is a beast the last day of any month, today will be no different.  I’m soaking up what will likely be the only quiet moments of my day until 9 or 10pm and waiting for the beautiful sunrise.  Please, sun, take your time. 

The words from my last blog still echo in my brain.  Now that I see how attached I get to stories I make up in my head, it’s a little stressful.  Someone once commented that I use “you” too much and not “me” on this blog.  While critics are welcome, I think that person doesn’t get me at all.  For one thing, I don’t believe anyone is on the journey alone.  We all have people placed in our path, sometimes with a timing so divine it makes no sense.  I completely get that my thoughts & feelings are just mine and I’m not pushing my ideas down anyone’s throat.  I assure you that if I thought I knew it all and had every answer, I’d be doing more than passing time and trying to figure my life out with a blog over coffee.  Read at your leisure and if you take something from it, more power to us.  Maybe you can enlighten me! I believe everyone has a unique set of gifts and thoughts that they bring to the planet.  I’m a wordy little thinker with a huge heart and a strong sense of self. 

I also get sidetracked easily.  The point of this whole blog was supposed to be letting go of attachments and the ghosts that haunt us (spiritually…call Ghostbusters if you got the real thing).  Since my last blog I have stopped myself from creating vast tales of what could/should be in my head A LOT.  Now, in my defense, I’m a writer and everything comes to me like “Oh this would make a wonderful plot! And then this could happen and that would go like this” and before you know it, I have a bestseller in my head.  What I’ve decided is that I think it’s time to get to work on some of those books and actually write a couple.  I want to be a self-help guru—meaning I aim to help myself.  Writing is how I do that.  Other people do other things.  So don’t take my “you”s so seriously.  More often than not, it’s aimed inward.  If it invokes some mysterious feeling you relate to, then great.  If not, that’s cool and you have a window into a tiny portion of my brain (edited and backspaced appropriately). 

I fell asleep last night focused on the word surrender.  Right now I’m trying to find a balance between faith, hope, and surrender.  Believe it or not, that’s really nerve-racking.  Once I identify a problem with myself that I think holds me back, I focus on it until I figure it out.  Some of that takes years.  That’s not something I’m proud of, but the fact I see potential strongholds in my mind and try to release them is a step in the right direction.  For example, I always think I need to be making something happen.  Goal-oriented, a mover & a shaker, ambitious, dreamy… all words you could use to describe me.  Last night I focused on just letting everything just be as it is.  Whatever shall be, will be anyway.  Learned that a long time ago.  But every now and again my mind goes into overdrive and I start overthinking.  Every now and again being everyday, of course.

What I decided is that faith, hope, surrender, and my ability to change the world in some small ways are all intertwined.  And, for me, picking which one I give power at any moment about every small thing, is critical.  And, furthermore, I’m sure I’ll keep screwing that up time and time again.  But, if I make the right choice just a time or two, surely it would pay off in a big way.  The last thought I remember having before I fell asleep was “what’s causing this reaction?  where is it all coming from?”  And as I slowly shut down I remember thinking of pains and aches in my soul that I ignore.  But there they were.  Maybe I should have shot up in bed and blogged then but instead I was like “Oh yeah, that old ghost again.”  And then I fell asleep.  I know why I react the way I do sometimes and today, I make a difference choice.  Happy Halloween!

The last 24 hours I’ve been pondering the mysteries of the universe quite heavily. (Shocking, I know.) I’ve identified one of my setbacks is the attachment to how things should be in my mind.  And, furthermore, I’ve reached the conclusion that one never really has true faith until you let the way you hope it turns out free and instead decide that there is far more than you’re brain can comprehend unfolding and you have to just let it all be.  Whatever ending you’re predicting or hoping for is quite unlikely to occur.  Not to say you can’t have goals and such, because come on I’m far too results-oriented to go that far, but I think you need to draw a line.  And, perhaps, my line is moved quite a distance farther than it was.

This has been quite conflicting since so many gurus say you have to develop a picture in your mind of what you want and be so clear that nothing can stray you from your course.  Today I wonder if what if the picture in my mind was simply “happy.”  If so, then I’d be at 100%!  I don’t think a day can go by on Earth where us humans don’t encounter some form of unpleasantry, dysfunction, or irrationality.  Or shit, sometimes you just get a flat tire for no reason.  So first thing is noting life has its moments and your days will come with surprises.  A lot of which aren’t jolly.  But the main thing I’ve discovered is that it really doesn’t have to make you unhappy.  And by placing perfection in the same category as happy, I see a ton of friends, family, and strangers suffering so much more than they need be. 

I could give you a laundry list of items that could get in the way of my happiness.  And, if we wanted, we could sit together and review your own list of things that suck, hurt, disappointed, and fell apart at the seams.  And maybe we’d feel better.  Or maybe we could have spent the time doing something productive instead.  Crafters? Drinkers? Writers? Music lovers? Anyone?  We can find something to do that would bring joy instead of using that time and energy discussing what doesn’t do us any good.  Not that isn’t healthy and useful to vent.  I just think before you vent consider the real challenge and focus on what truly matters.  Most of all, remember all the times if things hadn’t gone wrong you might have missed a gift that you didn’t know you even wanted!  The universe works like a supermarket in my head.  But one that has a contest going all the time.  You didn’t want to run out of milk and have to stop in, but after twenty minutes in line and $4 later they announce you’re the 4 millionth customer and you win $1000 gift card.  (I don’t know how my brain operates, just go with it)  I think everything in general is kinda like that.  You envision going home and cooking without burning the house down only to find out there’s no milk but you win!  Sometimes you run into friends while you’re in line and say hello.  Maybe your smile or something you say makes their day better.  I dunno; the possibilities are endless. 

So I’ve been practicing the last 48 hours when I catch myself formulating some story of in my head of how life should be or “wouldn’t it be awesome if…” I will instead elect to breath deeply and say instead “the universe will work it out exactly how it’s supposed to.”  There’s usually a need to repeat that more than once for my brain to comprehend and actually stop the thought train.  Luckily I’m A.D.D. and Amy’s playing with glitter so a definite stop in thinking is always in my immediate future. 

I used to buy things and now I search for experiences. When that thought crossed my mind just now, I knew I had reached adulthood. I’ve often blogged about my retail therapy that proved unsuccessful: I saw something, I simply must have it. I mean, think how stunning and happy it will make me! So I would buy it. And the joy would quickly erode. But not to worry, there was expendable income, advertisers, and a need to please to carry me into the next store for the next purchase. A mound of debt later, I can look back and tell you the happiness I sought and tried to fill with things was something inside me. And you can’t purchase on credit cards enough stuff to fix that.

God bless the day I acknowledged that desire inside me. It wasn’t healed just by saying, “Ok I’m searching for fulfillment and authenticity and worthiness outside that can only come from inside.” No, if anything, that acknowledgement itself led to a purchase or two while I really digested this truth. We live and love in a society driven by dollars and created to make us think we’re missing something. I believe it’s a pack of lies. That’s probably why when people ask if I’ve seen a commercial the answer is usually no. I skip them (thank you 21st century)…unless it’s a football game. Oddly those commercials are driven to propel men into buying something not women so that’s an easy dodge.

The cold, hard truth–which I wanted to avoid–is that you have the power to make yourself happy in any circumstance. The great unraveling of yourself is knowing that the power of your destiny lies in your hands. It’s a big step forward and sometimes I have to remember not to judge others who haven’t made it yet. And not to judge myself when I relapse into a powerless state of mind. The ultimate secret is to embrace your feelings and get even deeper below them to the root of your soul. WHY did it make you mad? What about your experience here on earth makes you feel unloved, not recognized, or unworthy of love? And most powerfully, I absolutely had to learn that the story I told myself inside my head about things was not the truth. Still, today, I have to take time to evaluate the thoughts that spin and weave sordid tales inside my mind and step out of them long enough to pick out what’s useful and what is not. I had to find why I told myself some things, how my perfectionism and other lies had served me and then fight to let it go.

The wonderful thing about life is that once you know a truth, the universe conspires to help you fight your demons so that you can live in that truth. The tests of life have insured that I know the lesson well and am ready to level up on my journey. Maybe I need a lot of personal space because I can actually stand to be alone with myself as I age. I have learned to nurture the parts of me that need to be given attention and meet my own soulful needs. When you do that, so little is left that the dollar bill can buy.

And over the last few years, experiences are so much more important than appearances. Vacations mean so much to me now!!! Seeing the sun set and stars shine over the Grand Canyon was a moment close to divine. Being on the streets of New York with its smells, tastes, and sounds was also a heavenly experience. Both times, I was just standing there. Alone. Why was this powerful? Because it reminded me this was alllllll created just for me. And that I am part of the experience here. In other words, I matter. Not any more so than other people, but I acknowledged the gift of my life. It’s a responsibility to honor it. I can be skinny, tan, blonde, and rich with earthly goods; and, while that meets the criteria of the United States for beauty, if I do not keep the inside prettiest of all, it’s absolutely worthless on the journey. I’d rather have a dinner with my mate, watch my dog lay around, write nonstop, read books, go see the beauty of the globe, learn a new hobby, or–best of all–inspire or help someone. My credit card only helps a little bit with that, yet I remain thankful for everything and everyone. Especially anyone who read to the end of my rambling lol!

I am finally starting to feel like the old me again. The irritability and body aches are far decreased and my spirits are raised. It’s not been an easy few weeks but what doesn’t kill you, right? From now on when I think things are bleak I have experiences to teach me they could indeed be much worse. Example: I had too little sleep last night but enjoyed being with my friends and my soulmate. (Yes I used the S word and that is an entire blog all on its own for another day). It made what would have been an incredibly stressful work day had I been well rested even more stressful. But in the height of the mania I realized 1. I was so, so grateful for the night before 2. I could be in much tougher spots. I actually used that moment to count my blessings, take some deep breaths, and realize the amount of work to do was not going to get done. Knowing I was tired made me decide to slow down and triple check things. Advice I need to give myself more often.

And I feel the power of hope spreading all across the board with my life. There’s some projects that need my attention ASAP, the government “shutdown” (JJ Watt could show them a real shutdown but whatever) is starting to affect those closest to me, and little Chloe is not showing any improvement with her mobility or her skin. Despite that clutter, I’m pretty hopeful that it will all turn out ok. And, as stated a few months ago, even if it’s not ok it’s still ok! A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have been able to say I was aligned with that statement but today I can.

The hard times really can benefit us if we let them. Doesn’t make it easier but knowing I come through everything happier and wiser is enough for me. There’s so much I am looking forward to each and every day. To think I didn’t want to even face the days a short time ago shows how much gooder I feel! So stay hopeful friends, the curves in the road takes us where we need to go. Please be wise enough to keep your eye on the signs as you travel through life though!!

One thing I’ve learned with age: the way we judge others always has something to do with ourselves more than it does the other person.  Here lately I’ve been a little hot mess.  My health is not great and I think my mind and heart are suffering from my constant worry about it.  When I’m not necessarily practicing full out & out “worry,” you’ll find me hating the repercussions of whatever illness is raging.  I will just go ahead and admit it now that the person who loved mirrors after losing weight avoids them now.  And I hate that.  But it’s a reminder that there are areas I need to embrace and work on.  I have to get it through to my heart that these 5 lbs and the strands of hair do NOT make me who I am.  In fact, giving them the control over me that I do is probably more detrimental than anything else going on in my life.  And it keeps me focused on me.  While some “me” time is essential to the racing mind, too much of “me, me, me” throughout every day and inserted into every conversation I have is probably a clue that I’m reaching outside for what is only found inside—acceptance and beauty.  I’ve blogged about beauty a long while back when my weight loss journey began so I will not do so again. 

Why I say all that is to try to give an accurate account of my mind these days.  The awesome thing about life is that an AHA MOMENT can come at any time and bring you the awareness and peace you need. Today, I woke up and my little brain is firing up and rapidly trying to lay out what must get done today as I make my coffee and let Chloe out.  And I think back on what a difficult week it’s been emotionally.  And suddenly, I had that AHA.  We judge people in areas we’re insecure about.  Let me paint this.  Y’all know that I am open to new ideas.  I’ll hang around for any conversation at least for a minute.  And sometimes I’ll speak up and sometimes I’m just amused.  But here lately I’ve felt stirred up emotionally—for no justifiable reason!  About the stupidest shit on the planet! There I was one minute being awesome and “whoosh” the hormonal monster comes out before I know what’s going on.  I am despicable at those times. 

Last night I had to really, really examine this.  Part of it has to be because there’s some hormone imbalance.  For anyone never experiencing this, your hormones are a science project and mixing it up wrong means a volcano erupts in your soul.  When everything is in tact, it’s a peaceful little mountain with no worries.  So look here, if you aren’t suffering from hormonal imbalance you need to say a prayer of gratitude right now.  But hormones are no excuse.  I firmly believe there is a peace and love inside me that I can access at any time and it’s my piece of the divine universe (see my blog about the balls of happiness).  Hormonal imbalance makes it harder to live from that place than it usually is, but I’m not going to make an excuse.  While the hormones rage, the core of my being is readily available IF I’m willing to access it and live from that.  Which goes back to my vulnerability reflections.  You have to put yourself out there. 

I think a combination of hating myself and not wanting it out there is important to acknowledge.  Mainly because you HAVE to love yourself to get love and give love.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  I am at a place where I don’t love my body.  Oh how quickly we fall.  Epic fail, me.  Today I realized I have to embrace this body and love it and care for it with the mindfulness it deserves.  It is what it is—hormones, hair loss, and 5 lbs.  It could be a helluvalot worse.  So I will slap my hair in a bun as I have been doing and wear my size 6 when it should be a 4 and go have fun and love life… with the bun and the size 6.  That’s totally doable.  If all someone sees of me is my hair thinning and my jeans tight then they are pretty lucky—there’s a hormonal villain inside that could scratch their face off at any given moment! [jokes people, jokes]

And finally, and most profound, is the fact I’ve jumped all over an undeserving subject (whom we will just call Chris) about his ‘need to be right or argue.’  I sat all night wondering if it was my hormones, the fact I have issues with not being enough, or what the hell is my sudden issue here.  We’ve conversed for months and suddenly I freak out?  Dude, weird!  And that’s when I woke up and realized I point these things out to make me feel better because I often have the need to be right [and right now I just feel like I’m all wrong anyway] and what is perceived by me as an argument is merely a perspective.  But it makes me insecure.  For one thing, and I think I wrote about this a long, long time ago, I battled the need to be right for years before I got to the happiness spot.  And, when he finds flaws with my logic or counters me, I take it as “he’s telling you how wrong you are and you can’t do anything right, Apryl.”   Let’s be clear, that’s not what he says.  It’s me and my issues popping up. It’s the voices inside lying. But when the thought struck that “I’m judging him in an area I feel insecure,” bells went off. 

The reward of self-reflection and tears is knowing more.  So today I’m going to give myself a break.  Even if it’s just one day.  I’m going to forget the hormones, forgive my imperfection, and go show this man a less beastly side. It may be a challenge but I am going to love my body today and live from the spot of calm and happiness that I worked so long to build. 

I had the comment made from a friend who just “wants me to be happy” that I am still young, I look really good now, and that I don’t have to settle down. The implication was that since I get hit on, I could be out there dating a ton of guys. It kinda rubbed me wrong until I realized the perspective. This friend does love me, wants me to be happy, and would support me always. But we are very different. What we want out of life is also different. And I respect that. I love her and want the same happiness for her. But it made me realize that there may be something more in the bigger picture.

I began thinking that there is a distinct difference between pleasure and happiness. Many things please people that do not bring them happiness: alcohol, food, sex, drugs…if you can name it, it’s probably used by someone as a pleasure. And to be very clear, many of those bring me pleasure. But often they are abused because we think they will bring happiness. Anytime in my life I have based my happiness outside my soul and into these pleasures (among a thousand others), I have ended up unhappy. A series of pleasures does not equate happiness.

My biggest personal changes occurred when I withdrew some of the above mentioned pleasures. I had to cry for a long time before I came to a point where I realized I had all the control from that moment forward to live happily or not. All it had to do was come from within. I began a transformation that will likely not be complete even upon my death. I cannot give or love enough to mankind in one lifetime. Having said all that, pleasures have their time and purpose in life. The ultimate goal is to have a lasting happiness filled with sprinkles of pleasures.

I understand people–even the ones nearest & dearest to us–don’t derive happiness in all the same ways. And what pleases one doesn’t please all. I have always had the good fortune of talking truth to myself when I needed to find out what I really wanted. Not always easy and sometimes it took a blow in life to really listen to my heart, but once I did I found what I needed. I had to face my own abuses and realize I used pleasure to avoid pain. And that what I was doing was not a formula that yielded any long term gain. But I don’t assert here that I know what others need. I want my friends to be happy and experience all the pleasures of the world that supplement inner peace.

Perhaps my demeanor lately is what sparked concern. I have had too many days lately filled with snapping at people and not smiling. For those closest even I don’t think I let on what’s really going on, although I’m trying. I am in pain more days than not recently and undergoing tests and seeing specialists now to determine what exactly is off inside my body. But I am trying very, VERY hard to just make my mind up that if I had to live bald and in chronic pain for the rest of my life then I can do it with a positive attitude. I owe much of my help in creating that to Chris. I am not satisfied with my level of achievement in the attitude area, but it’s coming along with fewer self-reminders. And that’s a start. Of course, being Anxiety Girl, I go to worse case scenario. But if I can make myself happy with that, there’s no reason not to be content and let life unfold as it shall.

Days like this one, all I want is a Life Manual. A field guide on what to feel and what’s ok to express. I don’t want to sound like a whiney ass, yet I’m genuinely hurting and feel like a person should be able to admit when they are weak. And possibly I need to explain since I’m inadvertently making people feel like I’m mad at them. Today is probably the worst I’ve felt since the downhill slide of my health began. After being quizzed by the doctor yesterday, I realized the decline started much earlier than I had noticed. It was small things, such as my nail strength going from ok to shitty, that should have been a clue but I didn’t associate it as one. My symptoms now are just too obvious to ignore. And every single moment spent waiting–between making the doctor appointment to getting there and now waiting on lab work to come back–is anxiety filled!  I want to know the cause and get back to my life as it was!

The body aches and pain are constant now and every day gets worse. I thought my hair falling out was bad and that it couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong. Hair falling out AND being in nonstop pain turns out to be worse. It’s just so frustrating. Physically and mentally. It’s impossible to keep the attitude 24/7 that “all things are lessons to be learned” and “this is happening for a reason.” However, I’m trying very hard to go through my whining and self-pity stages and get back to being grateful. Because I truly believe all this is happening for reasons I haven’t figured out yet. For now, my mind constantly pulls back and forth in these directions.

And people think I’m mad at them or just mad in general. No, it’s not that at all. Every fiber from my waist up feels like it’s turning into stone or hurts. I’m not mad. It’s just hard to smile.  I have tears behind my eyes that I fight all day. I’m not even mad about whatever it is that’s going on—I’m a little scared, in lots of pain, and I just want to go to bed. In addition to that, my mind flies to every worst case scenario and I have to stop myself from googling crazy diseases to make sure my symptoms don’t fit those. I know I should relax, take a deep breath, and just let it be. I totally know that but doing it isn’t so easy. All I ask is that you bear with me until I’m back to normal. And, if you’re a pray-er, send some of those. If you’re not, but you can send some positive thoughts, that’s appreciated just as much.