I decided within the last 24 hours that my favorite word is (drumroll)…”together.” And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it isn’t everyone’s favorite word. Ok, “plethora” and “cornucopia” get honorable mentions. But seriously, don’t humans have a basic need of bonding and togetherness?

It’s funny that I was with my friend Dawn when I found my favorite word. And it was also Dawn who–most unusually, in a polite manner–helped me realize the root of my bad mood isn’t because the coffee was gone or because the kitchen faucet is loose. It isn’t because the Cowboys lost to the Bears. It’s because I want to be with the one I like and we can’t be together. (I’ll leave it vague and say “global issues” keeping us apart). She was super kind in her agreement that there a couple of facts: 1. I am single, employed, no children and have some expendable income 1b. This means I do what I want, when I want. 2. I’m in management so I’m kinda used to getting my way (although I have a team beside who usually stops my runaway train from derailing when I am wrong). So if I want to take a trip to NYC or the Grand Canyon, I just do. If I want a new sweater, spray tan, book, or whatever knickknack attracts me temporarily, I go get it (read: click “add to cart” button on Amazon). And if I can’t have or do something, I replace it immediately and make a new ok.

And that leaves me, for the first time in a long time, wanting for someone whose physical presence is an impossibility. The universe, working on my behalf I trust, is teaching me patience. Something I lack. Oh, I’m pretty good sometimes. I’m fairly easy-going in situations. I’m along for the ride. Until I really want it. Then the goal-oriented, business gal who was taught by her administrators to seize the moment and grab life by the horns kicks in. I am at the stage where I must confess that “global issues” win and I am at the mercy of time. I have to wait. Not a short wait, but it could be a lot worse. (Furthermore, business ideals don’t necessarily work in the best interest where human beings are concerned and I’ve learned that too)

Now, just for shits and giggles, let’s add worry to that. Oh yes, my dearest friend Worry. Never far from my side and always there when I don’t need her. There can be nothing to worry about and I’ll let some minute detail creep in and wreck chaos in my brain. Y’all read about the calm after the storm (or at least once I’ve calmed enough to sit and detail it). Worry has a twin sister: Insecurity. They travel together. When Worry sleeps, Insecurity is awake and telling me all kinds of lies. And while I shouldn’t listen to either one, they exist and they speak directly to my brain all the time. While they are both full of nonsense, it’s hard to see that when they echo inside your frontal lobe.

Now, for the final ingredient, Holidays! Yay Christmastime! Now this is not my first Christmas alone. And it surely won’t be my last (or could it?!) but it doesn’t make it any easier. I have to be at work and my family is 9 hours away. I could fly in–at an astronomical rate–on Christmas Eve and back out Christmas night but that’s not a holiday. That’s a “hello, love you, gotta go.” And instead of being there just long enough to get a hug and eat,
I’d rather stay comfy in my pjs and not throat punch another crazy at the airport. But when you miss your family, you miss your family. You want to be “together.” Many people miss loved ones. Many people don’t have the luxury of being able to pick up a phone and say Merry Christmas & I love you. So for that tiny bit of consolation, I’m grateful.

I guess the point is, if you are with someone you love (or just kinda like) for the holiday, don’t forget how lucky you truly are. If ya got a family you can go see and drive you insane, go grab that insanity by the horns. If you can be together, by all means, enjoy it. I’m determined (and I have some hope and faith behind that) together awaits me. In it’s perfect timing, the universe brings us together with the ones we need. And that’s why it’s my favorite word. Sometimes the togetherness of ordinary, imperfect, flawed human beings is the greatest gift ever.

Normally I buy myself something for my birthday (19th) and Christmas that I really want. The signed Eminem lithograph has got to be one of my all time faves. This year, I have a few items I would get anyway on a “pending cash” list (new glasses, good makeup, etc) but nothing has the “man I gotta splurge and get it” feel. In a lot of ways, I think it’s pretty accurate where I am these days. What I lack, cannot be bought or obtained.

I have more art, gadgets, trinkets, baubles, and crap than one woman needs. Now Lawd, whoever thought I would say that?! Let’s not get too carried away, there’s always a cheap but cute bracelet or necklace I want. I loved Brandy’s lotion more than anything but she doesn’t sell (sale?! Eff I hate sell/sale!) it anymore. Music? Meh. When it strikes me iTunes brings instant gratification. Shoes? Where the heck would I put them? Everything else is out of my budget. Unless I dip into accounts I’m not supposed to touch and never look at. And it ain’t worth all that.

No, this year is different. I’m planning a vacation in the spring and that’s got me so excited I could pee! (Well and I have to pee). So despite it being the big 3-5, I think I’m all set. No big splurges. And, quite honestly, no one else is getting much either. I’m not up for shopping and crowds with having little energy and no holiday budget. I’m making gifts this year from the Hobby Lobby stash. At first I was intimidated. That voice in my head, “Oh your crafts are so lame, imperfect, and nobody would want that!” But then I realized how few presents I get each year that I adore and use. No offense to anyone out there but I’m kinda hard to buy for. I have lots (see above), I buy everything I want (see monthly credit statements), and I like heartfelt and simple things. Lawd, somebody detailing my car, giving me Amazon gift card, or Cowboys gear would rock. But really, I don’t have a wish list. Not until I have my house back to myself can I buy the things I’ve been wanting.

So a great deal of time today was thinking about this and some things that came up that I do want are just impossible. My family is far away and travel is neither cheap nor an option considering work right now. My dog. If I could either make her youthful again or have her pass in her sleep painlessly and quickly that would be a Christmas miracle. Again, out of my control. And finally the Mariah Carey song–which is my favorite carol–echoes as I blast it daily: “I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know”. Oddly, I’m not really sad to be alone this year. I’ll probably go somewhere for dinner (cause I love holiday cookings!!!!) but I’m not the only one out there who isn’t with the ones they cherish. It’s just the way life designed it. And the universe has it’s own way of designing things in perfection.

I may spend Christmas more like thanksgiving: being grateful for all the stuff, loving on my poor, sickly animal who teaches me daily that when the body gives up the spirit does not, and remembering how so, so very blessed I am.

Sometimes, not very often, a see a picture of myself or, like just now, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And instead of thinking something negative the thought that crosses is my mind is,
“That lady is on a wild adventure. She’s quirky, definitely nerdy, but she smiles a lot and her laugh is loud and heartfelt. She likes jokes, writing, animals and children. She’s amazing. And I get to decide her future.” For a brief moment the world is still, calm, and peaceful. And I’m perfectly content with spending a holiday alone in my pjs doing things that relax me (which includes football; although the first half of that game was intense).

Yesterday I was grateful for the toilet flushing. Not that it ever hasn’t, I just realized I take for granted the small things and that’s one that definitely deserved the “blessing” label. The refrigerator light coming on when I sneak a midnight piece of pie is another. The car starting, the washer running, the faucet proving water, and a bunch of bubble bath. All so simple…until they aren’t there or don’t function.

So I guess although I didn’t think of myself in a “thanksgiving” mood, it would appear that I actually have been. For weeks. I don’t take this life for granted. Every hour I’m alive is a gift. To whomever is running this joint, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

“When the power of love overcomes of the love of power, the world will know peace.” –Jimi Hendrix

I saw a picture with that quote on it and it really struck me.  Well, being a control freak (in recovery) and all.  I see being a control freak as just an attempt at power.  When you have some power, you have some control.  I’ve come a long way.  I’ve learned that most times I tried to control something or someone it was because my own sense of self-empowerment was missing.  The day I accepted that I am in control of one person–just one person’s feelings, actions, words, and life–was a world-changer.  Too much time before that was spent looking for results completely beyond the power of my own little self. 

And you have to dig deep and really get to know yourself well.  That happened to me unwillingly… and it was exactly the place I needed to go.  I withdrew.  Then I went to new places.  Then I made new friends.  I read a lot of books.  I made a lot of changes to my habits and my thoughts.  I spent my time analyzing and trying to understand myself as opposed to focusing so much on others. And I cried about a million tears along the way.  If you’ve never gone on a very uncomfortable soul search, I recommend it. (Because you can see how much it resembles a Disney Cruise, right?)  Only when you’re able to know without a doubt you are a complete person and you are enough can you ever experience the power of love.  I came to that conclusion after realizing so much of me was involved in the love of other people.  The story I had told myself about my life involves others—sure, doesn’t everyones?—but I had laid truths about ME inside their hands.  And I made peace with each story and decided to write a new one.  No one gets out of childhood or teens without some pretty deep emotional scars.  I was absolutely no different.  Now add drugs, sex, divorce, and other adult problems and you got the ingredients for a big ole pot (like the size you make gumbo in) of crazy if you wanna make a batch.  But over time I came to realize a lot of what I thought was about me was not.  And I took ownership for my behavior.  And then, I laid that shit to rest.  You see, it’s all very simple:  we did the best we could with what we had.  The end.  No, really, the END.  You stop there and accept it.  And move on. 

This Hendrix quote ties in with my blog from last night well.  According to the spiritual theory that every thing we do comes from either love or fear, I deduce that an attempt to control something/someone beyond me is an act of fear.  I am thinking of two very great examples in my life presently ongoing!  That need to know and prepare is hardwired.  And I think the old me would have jumped to, “Apryl, you suck!” when I realized that today.  Instead, when it crossed my mind I literally laughed out loud.  Cause it’s funny that our programming sticks with us so unconsciously.  So, I’m making a new choice.  I’m fighting fear with love.  Ironically, when you aren’t so busy letting every imaginable outcome or ending to a situation cross you’re mind, you find “endless possibility” as the one that stands out the most.  Hope rises when you give it half a damn chance.  But that instinctive need people like me are born with to have some power is a fierce fighter.  You can beat that bitch’s ass if you really train.  I even did it without medication today.  High five. 

There is a theory that every action is either based out of fear or love. The days I put my head on my pillow and see more fear than love in the day, all I can do is sigh. And try again tomorrow. But that’s not much consolation; tomorrow is never guaranteed. Maybe it’s moments like this I need to remind myself I am merely human. I will make mistakes each and every day until I take my last breath. Hopefully in the end I have made the majority of decisions on love. What I can tell you is while I was blasting my iTunes playlist in the car in the cold rain tonight, I can at least say the majority of the decisions overall in this life I have made out of love and not fear. And those decisions always set well with my soul. They led to awesome adventures, friendships, moments of ordinary goodness, and simple but the most fulfilling smiles and laughter of my existence. So instead of beating myself about what I could have done differently, I make a new choice. I will try to be more conscious, less selfish, and retain hope. Everyone and everything is a lesson that can be learned. Today was the reminder I needed. And for that, I am grateful. Brief, but honest.

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I’ve documented the health issues I struggle with and I guess I should update the three devout readers I have. First off, MY HAIR IS NOT FALLING OUT AS MUCH. That may sound like nothing that deserves some all caps, but it is. I could write a very long essay on women’s attachment to their hair. You start losing it at a very noticeable rate and you’ll understand how much we take it for granted. The body pain is also lessened. I still take some Bayer everyday because my lifestyle (read: job) doesn’t accommodate movement but thank the divine the days of sitting in agony have departed. It’s still a little mentally challenging to sit there 😉

My next goal is to become physically stronger. A gym is in my future. I could have gone out and immediately joined at the first inclination but I have learned to sit back and let these type decisions simmer. This requires commitment and time that I truly do not want to give. But I do have it now to give. And it’s what my body is telling me it needs. So, expect a membership soon. I am actually thinking of e-fitness in Biloxi. I hear they have swimming pools and movie stars. Sans movie stars, the Beverly Hillbillies was in my head. It’s a massive place and it’s pricier than the good ole planet fitness. I have been waiting to see if I can afford it.

Speaking of affordability, I have reached some small goals in the Wonderland of my finances. It’s little head ways but it’s very, very rewarding to PAY OFF DEBT. Maybe this time next year my only bills will be house and car! It’s possible and it means a lot of tiny luxuries (Victorias Secret!!!) will be nixed but hey, I think the result is worth it.

I gotta get out of bed. Happy Thanksgiving.

I need a course in relaxation. Seriously. This weekend consisted of cleaning, laundry, crafting, writing a tiny bit, reading a tiny bit, and watching a couple movies. Now, this sounds perfectly normal doesn’t it? But I have for sooo long always had obligations or deadlines or commitments that I had forgotten how much time there really is when a person has none of those to contend with. It doesn’t suit me well. Yet. I need to let go of my anxiety over not doing anything and get used to it. Minus the overeating. That part sucks.

I wonder when I became addicted to “doing” so much? Was it theatre? I know when I finally pulled the plug on doing anything (can it really have been less than a year ago?!) I went into the same kind of detox. My mind gets used to tallying and itemizing for whatever cause. Then my health took unexpected turns and here I am, doing what I am supposed to do–nothing. But I do it so badly! I’m an awful relaxer. I keep re-thinking things that need to be left alone. And that is a challenge. But now that I put it out there, I feel better. I am at a point in my life where I can sit back and relax. I’m lucky. These have a tendency not to last. And maybe that’s the problem. I always have a plan of what to jump into next and now, there’s nothing on my agenda. No play, no deadline, no dinner parties, no holiday feasts to prepare, no undertakings.

I understand people need goals and objectives but I think I have overdone it the last few years and it’s time for a break. Again, minus all the food! I vegged. It was wonderful. But tomorrow morning I’ll have regret all the anxiety over doing nothing and wish I had soaked in it as the phone rings, people interrupt me nonstop, and problems surface. I think the lesson today that life is trying to shout is to enjoy the moments. Enjoy the busy times and sit back and enjoy the nothing times. Be at peace with nothingness.

I’m one of those people who believes everything is a lesson God must have us learn. It’s REAL hard to see the reasons during the middle of a heartbreak, crisis, death, or otherwise uncomfortable time. But upon looking back, I can name a thousand things I needed and gained after such incidents that I otherwise would not have today as part of who I am. I have learned to be grateful and even joyous about things that could have broken my spirit but did not.

My friend died when we were 17. It took until I was 30ish to be able to finally say I was glad it wasn’t me. That’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever learned but really it did take that long. Depression did not help that at all. Majority of the days in between I could tell you how much more good Kim would have done on earth than me. Now I realize we were all put on our individual paths for all different kinds of reasons.

Everybody who knows this white girl knows almost all things Oprah I embrace. The show with Iyanla Vanzant on OWN is my favorite. Right now I’m pausing to cry as I hear Iyanla speak of burying her daughter. I suddenly thought what if I have not been given children because I would have had a tragedy occur? What if in its divine knowledge the universe has spared me some horrible events and where I see a lack of love and family, instead I am garnering the strength I may need to be a great partner and mother and example for my kids? What if I never have them because I do not have the lessons under my belt to deal with something? It’s quite possible and I’m quite ok with that.

A glass of sleepytime tea and a cold or something coming on.  I think that’s what I got right here.  I tried to sleeping but that plan was epic failure. And I took two Xanax. So the only things I got left are listening to music and blogging.  And a box of Puffs tissue (the ultra soft kind, don’t hate).  I’m gonna start this blog based off a list I created a few days ago when in deep concentration and we’ll just see where it goes.  The list I made contained reasons I have not found (and retained) a spouse. 

1. I didn’t know myself for a long time.  Spouse#1 & I met and fell in love when I was 19.  It’s easy to look back and see that every day I’ve been on the planet, I’ve been the best me possible.  I just had a lot of problems expressing it and coming to terms with the fact other people might not be as receptive to that.  Especially if they aren’t comfortable with who they themselves are—the good, bad, & imperfect.  I believe that once you fully understand yourself—and can give others the freedom to do same—then you’re ready for love.  I put myself in some relationships that finally boiled down to the other person and said “I’ll never get used to tolerate you because you are not content with or even acknowledging the crazy bad decisions you make. Peace along that journey.”  And it was not easy, but it was the best decisions I’ve ever made.  So my experience is, know what you can tolerate and cannot.  I need space for my stuff, time to write alone uninterrupted (unless you’re Chloe), and coffee.  And that’s just before noon.  I’m optimistic.  I put myself in places and around people that I think are going to entertain or enlighten me.  And then I also have to go to work to a very stressful job.  These are the facts.  Don’t try to change me.  I have flaws and I work on them.  Help me, don’t hate me for it. But the bottom line is that until I had all that knowledge under my belt, I wasn’t ready for someone else until the person in the mirror excited me and was all I needed to have a great day.  Then, suddenly, the rest of the world magically appeared ready and receptive to the peace I summoned.  I knew what made me happy and saw my negative reactions that needed mending to be happy.  It prepared me for a spot where I can share that.

2/3. I thought my life was incomplete or that I was just missing something everyone else had(2) and I didn’t understand the difference between a want and a need(3).  A little research—and listening to my friends talk about their marriages or relationships—quelled my fears.  And then after a while of this—and accumulating my own fearless independent adventures and fun—I realized people enhance, not complete.  Be it lover, friend, partner (or all the above if you get really lucky) never “completed” a single life.  But they can add something to it if you’re ready to listen and go outside your comfort zone.  You can’t go out a zone you aren’t in so re-read #1 if needed.  Life can be a lonely abyss and this I also know firsthand from depression battles since I was 17.  But you have to fight the battle within before you ever see the good outside yourself.  And once you discover the difference between NEEDING someone and WANTING them, things get really calm.  Appreciation of the someone else’s gifts is an act of gratitude and not desperation.  Being thankful is like saying a prayer; gratitude is living the answered prayer.  Expectation vs acceptance is the key difference and makes a huge leap when you want to connect with someone. 

4. This one is a little hard to admit.  Fact is though in hindsight, I played the victim and blamed someone else for the problems.  Well, truth is I was there and regardless of their shitty decisions I made choices too.  Not all of them for my own good.  Took me a long time and a lot of tears and shredded some relationships.  In fairness, items 1-3 clouded my judgment on this.  I didn’t realize my own power or strength.  I didn’t draw boundaries of how much of me people get to consume. Now I know I can control my destiny and again, it makes the choices a lot easier when I take responsibility.  If there’s no one to blame, there’s no reason to sit in misery.  I had things to discover about me and a lot of time was wasted not seeing that.

There’s more items on the list but I think that Xanax kicked in and I’m going to stop here.  My hope is that people will take the time to wonder how they can change directions if they aren’t happy and embrace their dreams and control the destiny.  Having said that, life is a joyous adventure full of mystery that never stops.  So embrace you—take time to review why you said or did something—and right yourself back up without remorse.  Above all, don’t get hopeless when the feelings of what you did wrong (like all the above in my example) is finally shown to you.  In fact, be SO freaking happy you have the knowledge.  It took me years of small insights before I could sit down and look at it objectively.  I can promise every day afterwards is a more peaceful way of life.  Even on my bad days that spring up, I can ALWAYS think of a time I was worse off.  Now I’m so happy that even my 35th birthday isn’t quite as haunting.  It’s still there, might as well have a party right?

Sometimes I crave assurance that is not there. Life didn’t come with a manual and it’s all very unpredictable. People, their hearts and minds, all change. Time has a way of transforming everything and everybody. And that’s where we become divided. Some people subscribe that things go downhill. Or that all change comes with loss. While I understand sometimes, I subscribe to the second theory. And that would be that all these changes and time create beautiful gifts and lessons that make life more abundant and for that I am grateful.

That doesn’t make me any less anxious about what’s coming next. I came from my mother with a distinct need to know attitude. It’s something the universe has been telling me to relinquish my whole life. Some days that anxiety grips me and we wrestle like it was taking the last box of Cheezits. Some days we wrestle like it was taking the last box of Cheezits and the very last beer on earth! Today was a Cheezits and beer day. But after long, drawn out thoughts and analyzing it all I reach the same conclusion I have come to time and time again: It’s all gonna be ok and even if it’s not ok, it’s STILL ok.

Anyone who has anxiety knows how old it gets. And anyone who loves someone with anxiety is probably used to the frustration. Also, humans in general can understand and possibly relate. We want to know what tomorrow holds. What does it all mean?! alas, we aren’t guaranteed our next breath and we sure as hell can’t predict the future. And really, if you take a hundred deep breaths (and steal that beer back!), do you really want to want to know? If you had a crystal ball, would you look? I wouldn’t but I have a fiercely independent spirit. For me, the details that unfold are the beauty of the ride. I don’t want to see how the book ends. I, an avid reader, have not once ever skipped to the end to read how the conflict resolves itself. Or to see if the girl gets the guy. Or if the bad guys live or die.

So as much as I get into the grip of incessant worry and thinking, in the end I want the universe to unfold with my assistance but with my ignorance as well. There’s never ending possibility that way. And hope. And when the universe taps me hard enough to point me in the right direction, anxiety becomes hope and–eventually–hope turns to faith. Once I have faith in a situation, I can rest easy. It’s a battle I fight continually on every level but I never give up. I’ve got 34 (now that 35 is knocking look how proudly I say it) years under my belt of experiences and life that beat my expectations. And all that awesomeness gave me the courage to battle even my anxiety at its worst day. All the plans I had were smashed to pieces and instead the creation of a good life with good friends and good times were placed in my path. For that, I shall never be so anxious that I forget to be grateful. And people did go. They did change. And some of that ended up being the best surprises I had ever freaking had. Now pass the Cheezits and beer asshole.