Dear Sadie, We had to create a new normal after you left. I think your wise, old soul knew it all along though it wasn’t outwardly said, you were my anchor for a long time. It will be a neverending debate which of us needed the other the most. That douchebag I dated had the audacity to message me and call it a “symbiotic relationship.” It sealed the hate I had for him. But also proved the point I knew all along, some people try and name it but can’t find words for the one thing that saves us sometimes-LOVE.

It was, and is, hard to come home with you not being here, Sadie Jane. You always deserved a better Mommy, sweet girl. I told you that. You know how dark it was inside when you came. But you also know the love and light you brought. You gave me a reason to care, to come home, to keep trying, to give a shit about not being homeless and giving up completely. I would sleep on the street and give up on me, but I would not do that to you. The love in your eyes and smile on your face gave me the motivation I needed. It was constant, calm, quiet and tender. It was what Mommy needed baby girl. Thank you.

I have one blanket of Sadie hair beside the bed that I can’t bring myself to wash yet. I know you’re not going to be next to me, but it’s a visual reminder of the love you gave to me when times were downright shitty and I lived in anxiety. You saw me through that and when I could laugh and breathe again, you stayed right there on the blanket same as always. The gurus teach that if we can find that same kind of silent peace inside us no matter what goes on around us, we will find heaven. Thank you for that piece of heaven on old blankets, Sadie.

Thank you for loving Wilbur. Maybe you knew you had to go soon and ushered him into the family for me. Thank god for him. He’s not exactly the anchor your wise, old soul was my dear Sadie. He’s a hot mess! He keeps me on my toes and his advice is quite different. Plus, he’s a boy! Yuck!! But he loves me and I love him. And I think you knew long before I did that young, little bones would bring me much comfort. He does. Thank you.

Before you got sick, Sadie, I hadn’t cried–really cried–in a couple of years. My heart was kinda shut down. You know that you opened it and showed me the first love in a long time. I know you know. I didn’t know until you weren’t here to kiss goodnight and good morning. So even though there is a lot of tears and snot today, most days are peaceful knowing you came and taught me what you needed to. I feel lighter and loved. I thank you so much.

You were the best damn dog in the world, Sadie. Smarter than I will ever be, my angel in fur. Thank you for letting me be the one you came to at the end and sharing it with me.

Love,

Mom