He is my Jerry, I’m his Elaine. We do art, music, parties, hotspots, restaurants… you name it, the last few years have created many a memory. And whether I was dancing, crying, lonely, happy, bored or scared shitless in my recliner wondering if they got all the cancer cells off my leg…he was there. Jerry is advancing in his career and moving just an hour away, but it feels much further. My heart delights for him. He has worked very, very diligently and dedicated himself 100% and is deserving of the new role. 

But a tiny bit of me aches today knowing we spent our last night as Jerry and Elaine together. Few are the people who come around and are the rocks–the ones that just are always there whether it’s day or night. He’s steady and always brings the practical side to my whimsy. It’s just a friendship that has an uncanny balance full of laughs and amusement. Well, we amuse ourselves. That’s all that matters. 

So here’s to Jerry for always being there when I needed him. And hopefully Elaine has done her part and reciprocated. No need to get a tissue out. Love to Jerry and congrats as you adult so well my brother! 

Back in the day, I remember a string of devout believers always wanted to know your zodiac sign.  Then when you did something, it’d be, “oh, typical sagittarius” and whatnot.  At age 3(cough), I find we’ve all had time to blow the lid off our zodiac destinies and kind of fall into just who we are; defined now by our experiences and decisions.  And let’s face it, our own string of crazy.  So after some discussion with on a non-date, the topic of “what’s your crazy” came up.  I did not have an answer handy so I took a while to reflect on it and I came to a two part answer.

The first sign of Apryl crazy creeps in when my passion is submerged.  Note that this is the first blog since August.  I used to blog daily.  Sometimes, more than once a day AND I have always kept a private journal.  While the video blogs are at least a comical routine addressing the daily struggle of someone trying to start over in life unexpectedly, they don’t really replace a good dose of blogging and journaling.  Hence, I woke up today to the song of the birds singing and two pups sleeping and grabbed the laptop.  I don’t care if my blogs get 1 view, would drive the AP police crazy and mean nothing to the world.  To me, they are–and have always been–cathartic. And maybe that’s why I’ve grown more bitter, negative, hopeless and losing faith by the pound.  I need to release the mental thoughts I hold captive whether they are right or wrong so that I can ponder them and make room for new ones.  When I stopped doing that, I began to feel less Apryl-like and nothing is worse than losing yourself.  So while you shouldn’t expect a link posted to social media every blog, DO expect more blogging.

The second crazy I have is insecurity.  This is the faster acting, more escalated crazy.  I listen to a lot of Wayne Dyer and last night before falling asleep I listened closely to him speaking on “there are no justified resentments.”  That is a concept I’ve often heard him speak and at one point, probably had mastered.  The problem is that while I may not look at the past as anger, I definitely feel it it lurking in the shadows of my soul as insecurities.  No haunted house compares to things inside us that we don’t talk about.  Imagine walking through an exaggerated, larger than life version of some of the things we keep inside us.  Truth be told, I fell in love with a guy who was stationed in Italy to get out of Afghanistan… only to find out he didn’t feel the same, but he wouldn’t just come out and openly say it once he figured that out.  That did something.  That made me a little crazy.  Add to it some pretty horrible choices when it comes to men after and yeah, I’m a little insecure in my ability to pick a partner.

The alarm now says I have just enough time left for coffee and daily reading to my day started on a positive note. If you care to think about it or you already know, everyone has a crazy side, what’s yours?