Hemingway said, “write hard and clear about what hurts.”  I hate to be uber-artsy and abstract, but I think the journey of writing will lead to my knowing what hurts.  Because truthfully, I feel what hurts, but I can’t legitimately nail down what it is.  I kind of picked up some pain and just kept walking with it.  I didn’t address the pain when it came–and in all fairness life came undone rapidly.  And just as quickly, it brightened again.  But much like walking out of a dark room into direct sunlight, it can take a minute to adjust.  I’m adjusting.  I’m examining it.

You know how Oprah has “aha” moments?  I hate to be unoriginal and steal that, but I had about 100 aha moments this week.  I started reading Pema Chodron’s The Places That Scare You and I got 20 pages in the first two days.  Keep in mind, it’s under 200 pages; I figured I’d finish it in a couple of hours tops.  Nooooo.  I have to stop and think after every paragraph.  Sometimes, every sentence in the paragraph is a “whoa, let me read that seven times” kind of moment.  It has made me think more about that ball of pain I talked about in the last blog.  The one I feel like weighs me down; something so heavy that I carry around inside me each and every day.  It’s very inconvenient.  And, quite unnecessary.  

Wayne Dyer always said, “there are no justified resentments.”  Before Chodron’s book ever arrived, I went and found his book 10 Secrets for Success & Inner Peace days ago just to read that chapter again in full.  I was meditating a week or so ago, that statement came to mind and it has stuck there. I have been trying to find a way to put it into practice.  With Chodron’s book, I’m finally starting to put the pieces together.

Here’s the thing: I don’t hold the guy who broke my heart accountable for my pain.  Sure, it could have been different and I suffered every emotion imaginable that year.  But it’s been a year and half since I was in therapy one day and realized there was nothing he could ever say to make my vision of “how it was supposed to be” come to pass.  At that moment, I began to accept the reality of what happened and, more importantly, started living a tad bit more in the moment.  It was a small, but important change.  A couple of things happened, one a boundary was built.  Though we were no longer in contact with one another, something clicked and made me realize he was no longer welcome in my space.  Neither my physical space or mental space.  

A second–and far more freeing thing–is that I don’t hold someone else accountable, it’s MY pain.  I own it.  The hurt and disappointment I feel has slowly become mine.  I take responsibility for feeling this way.  I’m holding onto it.  It’s like a car title I put in my name. By taking it as my own, I have the power to change it.  Otherwise, I’m a victim and manipulated by the pain.  Feeling like it was a force I had to fight, I drank too much, made bad decisions, carried around resentment, etc until the point I felt bullied by it.  The day I said, “Oh, this is my pain and I have complete ownership of it” is the day that pain became half the size it was.  And now, after reading just 20 pages of Chodron’s book, it’s more clear than ever that I only carry it around because I choose to.  Hard as that is to admit–here I have been living as a victim for two years and fighting something imaginary–it’s also incredibly freeing.  

That heaviness only comes with me everywhere because I allow it.  If I let go of the resentment and just accept with love and much simplicity, “It didn’t work out” and live in today, I feel more alive than ever before.  My energy level increases.  The attention and love for everyone and everything increases.  But having loved someone and not being loved in return is only a piece of a much larger picture. If I am honest, it’s a combination of a lot of things changing very quickly.  And I think I’m going to have to pick them apart, one by one.  Like removing layers and layers of peeling paint on a wall, I’m going to have get down to the surface and see what’s really there.

Now, where do I start?….Maybe I just did.    

The last couple of weeks I’ve had migraines attack in my sleep.  I wake up in enormous pain.  I don’t have any hints they are coming.  Ice packs and tons of ibuprofen and aspirin usually back the pain down, but they are becoming more frequent and painful.  Today I woke at 1am in some of the worst pain yet.  I remember getting ice and an 800mg ibuprofen and laying back down.  I didn’t get back to sleep and I somewhat remember the storm coming through.  Adam said it was pretty strong.  I remember Sadie trying to get into the bed and me trying to pet her and keep the ice pack underneath me.  I went back to sleep at some point after she had calmed down.  When I woke up, I felt like I had been in a fight.  My muscles going all down my neck and into my shoulders are sore.  I have an appointment at the clinic to talk to the doctor later.  Praise the Lord for benefits!

I hate sick days because I don’t know how to be sick.  I feel nothing but guilt and like I should be doing something.  When I get text and emails from work, it only heightens the anxiety and makes me feel more like I’m a bad person for being sick.  But I knew I couldn’t keep fighting these things with ice and ibuprofen.  It’d be really nice to know what the hell is going on.  I have a list of things to take with me to the doctor so he/she can help narrow it down.  Of those things, a couple are first time issues so I’m guessing it’s them.  Need the experts to narrow it down.

I tried watching The Bachelorette finale, but social media had already spoiled the outcome.  It’s a silly, shallow show.  I’d love to change it to actually be some sort of meaningful endeavor, but I guess that isn’t what America wants.  Besides, it just reminds me that almost anyone can find love.  And then the previews for Bachelor in Paradise just made me think that anyone I did think was decent is just a piece of crap.  Or, perhaps, beautiful and desperate with some serious self-esteem issues.  Sheesh.  People will do anything these days for a little bit of money and fame.  I challenge how happy it has made them.  Having trashed the show I just spent 8 or so weeks devoted to watching, I will just put it out there if Luke Pell wants to go out and grab dinner and a movie, I’ll clear my calendar. 😉  

Happy loving!