I swear there is music in my dreams. I woke up with “Me & Bobby McGee” stuck in my head. I was singing it (silently, as to not kill the goodness of the early morning), when I came to the line, “I’d trade all my tomorrows for one single yesterday” when I realized that was the part stuck in my head. And so instead of just keep going, I over analyzed it. Hey, it’s what I do!

First off, when I actually asked myself if I would trade any of my tomorrows for a yesterday the answer was a firm NO WAY. This isn’t to say I couldn’t go back to a few days in history and revise my behavior, but I wouldn’t go back and have them in lieu of whatever goodness may be ahead of me. And that’s how I knew I was healing. Maybe not healed, but healing. It’s in progress. It’s how I know I’m shaking the pain of 2014 off. 

I realize I have played the victim of life. I am now accepting full responsibility for everything that has happened and how I felt about it. I wouldn’t give the man that devastated me one more minute of my life. [Not that he would want it–he’s happily married for a third time (the complete irony of that statement doesn’t escape me) (and, oops, a small dig slipped in).] But it isn’t about him, loss of a six figure income, losing my Chloe, or any of the other heartache that came along. It’s about how I choose to hold onto the pain and also release it. In fact, I’m getting to where I thank the Lord for all the change and presumed hardships because I refuse to be reduced by it. 

For a long time it made me angry and changed a lot inside me. Slowly perhaps, but a shift occurred and not always for the best. I have a lot of work still left to do, but I think I see some progress and I am quite satisfied with the direction I am going.