They scooped a tiny bit of my thigh. They are going to scoop a bigger portion in a couple of weeks. And then, it felt like a giant, cold, metal old timey ice cream scoop took a part of my heart. Some point in the wee hours of this morning, it all overwhelmed me. I just didn’t have the energy to keep going. What more can possibly be thrown my way? I know, it’s a horrible day of agonizing self-pity and zero optimism. You’ll have those days. This is mine. 

And then I heard a bird start chirping outside. I wanted to yell at the bird and ask what it is so damn happy about. But I thought about it and maybe the bird isn’t happy. Maybe his chirp isn’t joy. How do we know what he’s saying? Maybe he’s out there yelling that his heart hurts too and he doesn’t understand why he has to be the only bird around. Maybe he needs some help over at his nest and none of the other birds are there. It’s just a thought. 

13-ish hours later or so I’m still here and it’s totally silent. The bright sunshine is fading away and the only noise is the sound of my breath and the fan blowing on me.  Lord, trust me y’all when I tell you I hate the victim card and I hate the dark times that crush my heart. I detest them. They bring out the ugly in me. I’m just so tired of going uphill! I need a break. I am a good person. The last few years have challenged and changed me. I don’t understand why things just can’t stay on track for a while. 

I want somebody to love, a wee bit of security, to feel like my faith in something bigger isn’t meaningless, and to share all things joyous and wonderful. I guess it’s too much to ask. With each tearful goodbye, I close up a bit more. Life is scooping what’s left of me out little by little.