I think the men and women who allow themselves to feel whatever it is they feel and express it are the strongest of our species. I’m not talking crazy or angry; but when they hurt, they cry. They weep. They allow themselves the moment to actually honor what’s going on and sort through it. It may feel vulnerable but it’s actually so incredibly powerful. It’s the highest expression of self esteem I can think of right now. 

I wish I was like that. I wait until it builds up and then I cry. All the while a voice in my head is saying, “suck it up, buttercup. No need to get this worked up about anything. This isn’t worth it…” and on and on and on that voice goes. Naming a litany of reasons I should just never cry or feel strongly about anything. Look voice in my head, some things just hurt ok? And sometimes I need to sort it all out.

I wonder how it got that way. I think the voice telling me to ‘get over it’ and ‘nothing is worth my tears’ has been there a long time. Probably since Italy, but for sure since Chloe had to go. The day Chloe left was my last real sob. Maybe that baby girl just took a piece of my heart with her. I still remember being immobilized by grief that day. And with the blows that followed, I just had to be strong for fear I wouldn’t make it if I caved and looked too deeply in the eyes of what caused me pain. 

Hard times followed. But this morning it’s an odd crying. An involuntary thing. My eyes filled with tears and that voice started in again telling me to just suck it up—get on Facebook, smoke a cigarette, take a sleeping pill–anything to not deal. But I need to deal. Because today it was Sadie’s face and birds chirping and then…tear drops. I want to experience them. It was a sad/happy moment. I wanted to soak it in yet I’m underslept and exhausted. I wanted to tell the Universe how beautiful the chaos is and how the simplest things move me so much…an admirers hand on your back or around your waist, my friends/mentors making me laugh and knowing they care, a giant, heartfelt laugh from the belly, a shared look between friends that says I can count on them and vice versa. In all the tragedy and emotional tornadoes, life gives us these moments in between. Thinking of them this morning has my cheeks tear stained. 

It’s a crazy beautiful life and I’m not anywhere near done. Please God, hear the prayers inside my tears and let me have many, many more years. I have music, poetry, books and love inside me that needs to come to fruition. Thank you for giving me this day. Please let me share it with people who love me and those I love.  Grant me the ability to permit myself to experience the absolute joy of life on this day and all that follow.