In 2013, I was a spiritually sound person. My life was perfect, unbeknownst to me. It didn’t feel it at the time; I was just too busy being comfortable. I trusted the process, I trusted the people close to me, I trusted the grass below and the skies above. I trusted my ability and skill. I trusted the future would be brighter. 

But 2014 ripped most of that away. I can’t think of more I could have lost between March 2014 and June 2015, but it could have been worse. It could always be worse. At my breaking point, with boxes packed and using my last dime to get me back to my parents, life suddenly said, “Here’s a bone called a job. Keep your house. Stay by your friends. Start life over.” 

I know it’s a gift. I know the people who played various roles in making it happen are divine blessings. And make no mistake about my story, I’ll go down refusing to be the victim. I could always have lost more than material things… Although heartbreak, medical setbacks, and various losses occurred, what I miss the most is my trust in life and God. In fact, the admission that it could be worse is a damaging sort of limbo where I can’t help but be grateful and at the same time look over my shoulder to see what horrid event is coming next. 

I’m going to show my age, life felt a great deal like the original, arcade version of Mortal Kombat. A constant barrage of new characters enter and I have had to fight to stay alive. And I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of looking over my shoulder to see what troubles are slowing creeping up behind me. It has made me weary. My body hurts from my head to my toes. 

In the dark silence of a sleepless morning, I realize I need to surrender. To who or what I have no idea. Nothing in this life is guaranteed except that nothing comes with a guarantee. Jobs and people will screw you over. That’s what I have learned. And if I could learn to not care so much about either, I’d be free again. What’s meant to be will find a way, right? It will have to seek me out because I’m too exhausted to chase one more thing down only to have it pull out a weapon and try to destroy me.