I have been thinking, meditating and praying a lot about where I am in life right now. It’s very odd and new. It’s a new start and a lot of what I once knew and did and had is gone. I think I’m taking it well. I try to always remain grateful. For sure, life is better now than it was. But there’s new challenges (read: finances) and I haven’t gotten my new career down to a science just yet.  Those things have a way of letting doubt and fear creep inside me. Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Do I got this?! Haha I don’t know but it I do know if I don’t pray and focus on the positive things, those thoughts steal the joy.

Sometimes it just feels like I’ve been racing and scrapping by so long that I’m drained. Other times, I sit in peace and joy and completely soak up the good that has come to me. And I suppose that’s how life goes: two things at odds with one another both real, true, and present in the same space. I did have some rough waters to navigate and the newfound joy comes with some it’s own set of tests. The thing I have to remind myself of is that I am prepared now for any test. Life tested me and I have passed. 

I am quitting smoking today. The only reason I bring this up here is to hold myself accountable. I sat paying bills today–and got a nice fat headache–and the one thing that will immediately reduce my expenses is that. In addition to the hundred other reasons, it’s time. It will not be easy. It isn’t meant to be. But like all other things, I can do it. 

I saw this quote and it made me pause and think a bit so in summary, I shall share it. The storm has changed me and I’m not the same person. I’m better. 

I think my writers block is a direct result of what’s going on in life right now. I’m in R&D mode: learning new ways, soaking up the good things, taking everything moment by moment, observing new creatures, watching the circus wondering how they do that…and all the while not forming any hypotheses about it. Hard to write when you aren’t even sure what your role is. 

I hail from a state with a lottery.  Playing and fantasizing about a lottery win was part of being 18 and adulting-ish over there.  My ex husband won several grand on a scratch off (before we met; it was long gone when I came along).  A co-worker at BlueCross BlueShield had a brother who won one of the largest in history.  Next time I saw him he had a new truck…with a matching Corvette…and a matching boat (true story!).  Driving to Louisiana to get lottery tickets for fun–but mostly when the amount reaches news level–is something I’ve been known to do (“did she just say 2-5-0 tickets?!” Yes, lady, I’m HAM! Can’t you see?!).

Up til now, I’ve had your basic lottery win fantasies.  A big house, a shiny new car or three, a charitable organization, a housekeeper, a gardener for my extravagant garden in which I could spend the rest of my days blogging and petting my puppies.  This morning I woke up and started trying to figure out if I had time to get to Slidell, LA before the drawing.  As I stretched my arms, I thought, “God, if I could just pay off my student loans and this house I’d be a free woman! And if I can’t get that much, could I have just $10,000 to make ends meet for 2016?!”  That’s when it hit me: I’m the adultyier adult people speak of.  

I don’t wish for anything extravagant anymore–I just want a lighter burden.  I don’t need any more stuff–I just want the stuff I have to be secure.  I doubt I’d even buy another watch! You know it’s my thing–Tag Heuers, the epitome of all things beautiful in my opinion.  But I have a platinum and a black/platinum.  I have one for every occasion!  What would I do with a 3rd?  It would make the choices difficult, not easy, and I no longer desire that road in life.  I’d buy some clothes, but not a lot.  I have nowhere to put them! And besides, I’d keep working for certain and as long as my butt will fit into what I own, I don’t need anymore.  (*Note to self: less bacon)

I’d buy great coffee, incredible wine, and Sadie would be the most well-groomed dog around.  I’d go to see movies in the theatre–and not wince as the price of popcorn.  I’d get that tire patched on my car.  I’d probably get the housekeeper if I had enough, but only after a bunch of other things lined up.  I’d buy fresher foods, not packaged crap that I know is bad for me, but very cheap.  I’d probably get a bottle of nice perfume because I do miss that luxury.  And for sure, if there was any left over, I’d travel to new places and see the sights, sounds and people there.

It’s odd how desires, wants, wishes and dreams change as we age.  I thought the guy with the matching triplet autos was a badass mofo…he was my hero!  Now, I want nothing to do with that maintenance.  I’d find time to pay for gas for friends with boats and buy everyone dinner and drinks and go out on the water for a sunset cruise and tell them all how much I love them.  That’s my dream.

Crap, I’m gonna be late for work!