My 37th birthday is in six weeks. I’m not taking it well. AT ALL. Apparently the heavens agree because it’s been nothing but grey and rainy since I realized that yesterday. And since I counted it up, the dooming thought of turning 37 is eating me up. I painted my toe nails about half an hour ago. I looked down just now and realized this color is not 37 years old appropriate. I’m not sure this bright purple is 36 years old appropriate! But I’m too lazy to change it now. 

This aging thing isn’t depressing because of nail color; that’s simply a reminder of bigger issues. One day I was 30 and had all the time in the world to find someone and start a family. Now? Well, it’s kinda creeping up on me fast. And I’m smart enough not to chase after any old person just to do it before it’s too late. But that leads to the issue of, “might be time to accept it isn’t happening.” And that is what can be depressing if I let it. I’ve always been stubborn and had visions of the way things should be and slow to let that go. I can do it…it’s just gonna take a minute so please bear with me over the next six weeks. 

One helpful thing is asking myself what would I do differently? Any step off the course I have taken would not have given me the fabulous life I have now. So would I change anything? Maybe. Maybe not. I would tell a younger me to not waste time with people who don’t deserve me. That’s the biggest one. I’d tell the younger me to be alone than with people who suck the life and the good out of me. I’d have learned sooner the difference between alone, lonely, and identifying people who make me feel lonely in their presence. There were many times I put people I loved and their needs far ahead of mine. I’d do less of that if I could turn back time. 

I’d spend less time in bad places, saved a crap ton more money when I could have, and spent more money on experiences and not on useless things. I would have gone out into the world quicker. Found kickboxing sooner!! Quit smoking. Fearlessly be me before now.

Oh the “what ifs” in life will break you down if you let it. So I just won’t let it. I can either be sad things are not the way I thought it would look at 37 or celebrate a life full of lessons. A lot of people didn’t make it this far with me; they too had lots of stuff still left to do and no clue they didn’t have enough time. I might not make it six weeks. Would I rather enjoy the days or mourn what’s already passed? I think I know the answer to that!