You know, I can only count one person on the planet I can’t forgive. I realized that this morning after spewing out an angry text. Even I didn’t know I could be that mean. But hey, it’s true.  It’s my truth anyway.  I know certain people–like this one–show everyone a different side and then have so many little images built up that depending on who they are around depends on what guy you see. And if he’d just leave me alone, it would probably make forgiveness come sooner. But more likely, the universe is trying to teach me something. 

Am I happy after I spit fire and feel nothing but ice in my veins? No. 😕 The guilt of being hateful eats me up …and swiftly. You know what else eats me up? Someone with no respect for me, for boundaries and who will gamble in one night the entire sum of money he owes me. If it weren’t for that, I’d block him entirely. Pathetic, but I guess he keeps that hanging over my head as his way of making contact with me. And I know the person behind all the masks. I know he’s a bad person who has nothing nice to say about anyone. And I stoop to his level every time we come in contact. It’s still toxic months after it’s over. And, if I could afford it, I would find a way to pay the loan without his money and then I could block him. 

But like I said, maybe this isn’t about him as much as it is about me. Of all the things I could name and this is the one person I can’t forgive in 36 years. I keep thing of the prayer of Saint Francis. I think my answer is there. It’s the how can I do it that trips me up. How can I find away to thank him for treating me so bad and continuing to do so? What can I do inside me to just let that shit go? 

For now, I shall repeat this until I figure it out.