Writers. Block. Ugh!! At this point I feel starved. I NEED to write just like I need air. So what is it? I can attribute a definite amount to jaw pain. According to the professionals, I clench my jaw and grind my teeth in my sleep. Wearing a night guard for a few weeks, no chewing gum (hello mints, my new BFF), and taking 1800 mg of ibuprofen a day should eliminate the problem. Until then… I wait. 

But you know what I keep thinking? Wayne Dyer. “There’s a spiritual solution to every problem.” For some reason I can’t let that thought go. And I wonder, “what inside me is clogged up?”  It’s gotta be a matter of the heart. Everything else in my life is freaking stellar. Nothing is wrong. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m not hurt OR overjoyed. Maybe it isn’t writers block at all; maybe it’s balance. Ok, it doesn’t feel good so even I can’t buy that load of crap. But it’s true. Nothing is wrong, things are going well in all areas. I want to get up early every day my jaw doesn’t hurt and race to work! I got my dog licking me and just started season one of Sex and the City. Could I be any happier? (That was my best Chandler Bing)

Yes, truth is I could. And if I really get down to it, I’m still kinda…I don’t know what the exact feeling is. It goes back to the lying sack of crap who led me on for weeks. This from the cheater posting crap on his Facebook like he wants want more conversation with someone up in heaven. Well what would they say about your ways here on earth?! Think on that, ass hat! Ok, yes, I finally broke down to see what he had posted. A bit o’cyber stalking. (Still in style since 1999.) And deep down I hear a very faint whisper saying “hahaha bless your broken heart, you can’t pick a good one to save your life! All you find are crap bags!” And dear god, it’s true. As much as I do not want to listen to that voice within, maybe I need to. And so then I start thinking of the most recent and go back down the line. I haven’t dated a decent dude in a good couple of years. Nearly three. Crazy, selfish, creepy, lying, and more issues than Oprah Magazine is a brief summary of 2013, 2014, & 2015.

I did something this weekend. I reached out to what I think is a nice guy I met almost a month ago. We are going out Saturday. Half of me is hopeful and half of me thinks I need a back up plan. I’m really trying not to listen to the voice that says give up, you aren’t going to find someone, stop trying. Hope is dead. 

Something else I did this weekend? Bought a new Tag Heuer. Yeah, I was going to use the income from roommate to pay off a credit card and save more. Well, now I’m just paying two and saving none. But this thing is tight! And for a few minutes every day I look at it and think, “you go girl. You have some serious issues picking out the worst men in the universe, but damn you got diamonds on your timepieces!” So yeah, I’m really bad at______

AHA!!!!!!!!!! OH. MY. GOD. THAT IS THE ISSUE. I LIKE BEING GOOD AT THINGS. I DON’T ENJOY BEING ALONE, YET MY KRYPTONITE IS THE ABILITY TO FIND A WORTHY SUITOR. 

Pause. 

And no wonder me and my brain refuse to ‘bye Felicia’ (yes, I just made that a verb) and move on. I feel like I made a mistake. I did, but then again, he’s a slimy snake pretending to be a bunny rabbit! How could one know any sooner?! I’m holding myself hostage over other people’s problems. I got problems, but difference is I am not hiding behind lies or guilt. I am who and what I am. Most days, that’s a damn good person (accessoried nicely with a Tag Heuer). Ok, let’s put the Tag purchase on front street: should I have financed jewelry for 60 months?! Hell, NO. Only a wedding ring should be……<— and would you lookie there, the truth fell out. I believe in wedding rings costing enough to finance for five years, but not something for myself that I love and work for every day. 

Now does that make any sense?! I am fully committed to wearing these watches for the next decade. Or two. They are classy and timeless. (Get it?) Yet in that sentence I just valued relationship a higher priority than buying something nice for myself. Whew. Revelations are coming forth. So much to think about now.