I recently wrote and abandoned a blog called Pain Changes Us.  While the blog was good, it felt incomplete.  Forward to last night.  After half a bottle of Pinot Noir [holy crap, welcome to my life you little red devil and mad props to our sommelier for bringing that into my life], I went to a Trace Adkins show.  Some of the songs I knew.  And then he started, “Every Light in the House is On.”  I gauged the audience.  I saw people instantly cheer in recognition and start swaying and singing the song with Trace.  And I saw how emotional the collective audience became.  Me?  I realized I sang along but while I tried to find the original emotion I recalled having to the song when it was new, I came up empty.  

Who would I leave the lights on for?  [Sadie; the answer is Sadie]  The song I actually related to most was something about finding middle ground between Jesus and George Jones.  Being a weird, artsy type of person, the remainder of the show I watched how music touched people on an emotional level.  And then I went to a lounge and the nightclub, and watched the same thing.  I knew the lyrics to just about every song, and people would react in a way that I seemed to recall once feeling, but it was lost on me.  I Facebook’d the observation that when you don’t have love, love songs mean less.  Followed up by the comment this morning, “I heard songs all night and recalled music used to make me think of a name, face, smell, feeling or SOMETHING. But not anymore. I have nothing to attach them to. It was semi-relieving. I don’t think I’m missing it.”

And that’s when it all came full circle: the blog about pain changing us and my reaction to music, once upon a time music alone could get into places inside me nothing else could.  Since late 2013, my heart has trusted people and then absolutely shattered when they broke that trust.  Most recently, Tuesday.  Upon hearing that I’d been lied to just about all summer, I sank.  For about an hour I held back tears and I thought, “damn, you can’t trust anyone these days.”  I even considered just giving up on the entire world for a moment and jumping off a parking garage! But the reality is that I didn’t want life to end, I wanted to NEVER, EVER feel that feeling inside me for the duration of my life.  Whatever was left inside of me that resembled hope for finding someone was completely abolished that moment I found out I’d trusted someone who was nothing but a lying sack of dog crap [and even my Sadie’s dog crap is too good for some people, he being one].  

And yes, I’m getting very personal but this isn’t about the bad people, it’s about what grown people do to one another.  40 is swiftly approaching.  I don’t play the games and quite frankly was not very clever at them anyway; it always felt deceitful.  I am who I am, take it or leave it.  [I do believe I’ve noted previously that apparently most opt to leave]  And in the case of Tuesday?  Well, that’s best summarized in two words:  BYE FELICIA!  How some people walk around living with themselves is beyond me.  As for me, my head is high because I’m proud of what I’ve done, where I’ve been, where I come from, what I have, and yes, the things and people I have lost.  It was all great learning experience.  And I’m so very happy today.  

So maybe there is a part of me that died.  Maybe when when we grieve a piece of us does in fact die with every heartbreak.  I didn’t think that before, but I realize that’s what has happened.  And I’m so happy about it.  It feels like a weight is lifted.  I won’t fall to my knees and sob because of a man ever again.  No one will ever get the chance to get close enough to hurt me and that is nothing to be upset about.  That’s a bold strategy.  It goes against everything I’ve ever thought up to this point, but pain changes us.  Hurt people, hurt people…or so they say.  So stop hurting.  I no longer hurt.  Personally, I feel more alive, more creative, more confident, more beautiful, and more engaged with life than ever before.  Fix your broken ass self-esteem, get some integrity and values in your life, take your pills or get on some, and be a respectable human.  It’s your job.  The universe lets you breathe every single day and have unlimited potential while here and the absolute best some of you can manage is to be a sack of crap? Shame on you.