I have developed a new way of knowing who is and isn’t right for me. It’s mathematically based, so I feel like it is a true eureka moment. I call it the Dating Algorithm and I think it will make my future endeavors into the world of romance less painstaking and brutal. 

First off, there are two kinds of men in this world. Type A is the guy who drools over you and when sleeping over doesn’t care how much of the mattress space he gets-be it a sliver or a substantial slice-as long as he’s next to you. I should have married Type A. And everyone else is Type B, he wants to be comfortable and when it comes time to sleep, have enough room to do so. To begin to narrow down these guys, every man becomes a fraction; a numerical representation of how much space he will need. It is not 100% to scale, it is merely a value assigned for reduction. 

Why is this a solid means of analyzing the dating pool? Well, as I lay here enjoying 100% of the bed in silence, it hits me that to avoid any loneliness and gain pleasure  with a mate, I am going to have to give up part of my 100% domination of the mattress at some point. And really, life boils down to who is worthy of such sacrifice.  Obviously body type is the starting point. The smaller the dude, the less I give up. The bigger the guy…ok, you get it. To make me look fair, I’ll say we start at 50% across the board and then begin attrition. 

Further examining the plethora of Type B men available, some rules become evident to me. Baby Mama Drama? Hmm, that’s cutting at least an extra 30%. Why? Because though he will be sleeping (and probably snoring) quite well, this seems like a situation where I lose sleep. This now becomes a 80/20 mattress. Whoa. He better be rich, good-looking, and handle a sports car better than me cause 20% is too low. 

While we are on the subject of mama, Mommy Issues, Emotional Unavailability (my forte), narcissism (a close second as my natural gift), and commitment issues are pretty substantial. That’s a pretty big chunk. Those guys are coming into a relationship trying to work those matters out. This means they unintentionally end up stealing more than their fair share. Shoo shoo. Not worth my lack of comfort and draining me emotionally to try to make you feel whole. Go lay in your bed…alone…for like a decade… until you sort your twisted mind out. 

So now begins the process of analyzing data I receive from anyone I should encounter and sticking to my scale. This is solid research and statistics. Numbers don’t lie. 

😂😉😝