Yesterday, in line at the bank, I got a compliment from a 60s-ish looking lady.  It was the first time in 36 years I’ve ever received this compliment.  It has changed my life.  The lady first glanced my way and then did a double-take.  I used the double-take to issue a standard Apryl Smile.  Surprisingly, she smiled back and looked me over head to toe without missing a detail.  I have never felt more insecure in my entire life.  But let me back up a bit.

Saturday is the first greatest day of the week.  It’s the first chance to sleep in with no alarm waking me up and the possibilities are endless when my eyes do finally open.  I knew I had to go to the bank and go see my best friend.  That was my to-do list.  There was a myriad of other items I’d like to accomplish, but the rest of the list was basically negotiable.  That’s a Saturday kind of attitude.  Which is why Saturday is the greatest day.  And I awoke this particular Saturday more in love with life than ever before.  Having a better idea of my mindset, you can now see why I laid out two or three outfits that were very bold.  I was taking the world on, feeling like a million bucks [which is interesting considering the $560 I was paying on a loan yesterday felt like giving away a million…anyway, I digress, as usual].  I ended up in my bright red high heels, shorts, a navy sleeveless tank with red polka dots, a cute navy cami underneath, and my hair was free to curl and fly away from my head as it desired.  I picked out some complimentary jewelry, including a ring with a single ruby [totally fake] on one hand and another ring that was $45 and made so well it looks like a $5,000 diamond ring [Premier Jewelry, I love you].  Completed the look with my red lipstick.  It’s Saturday at 9am, but why the hell not. Purse? Navy & red. Bam. Let’s go see my bestie.

So here I am, a bit bold maybe but in love with my life, standing there to drop a huge payment on the loan I am trying to pay off ASAP with this lady judging me.  About the moment I’m internally telling myself I look classy enough for Gulfport, Mississippi and not like a cheap whore this lady says to me, “My, you are very well put together.  I’m so jealous.”  You could have knocked me over out of those heels.  I smiled a warm and genuine smile [I wanted to hug her but that would be weird so I didn’t] and said, “Oh no I’m not put together at all but thank you so much.”  People, especially long-time friends and readers, did you hear that?!  ME, WELL. PUT.  TOGETHER.  WHAAAAAAAAT?! But my heart instantly sank.  While we waited in silence for the cashiers to say, “Next please,” I so badly wanted to throw my purse to the ground, grab her by the shoulders, and look in her eyes and plead with her to see that it took 13,387 days, 22 hours, 10 minutes and 50 seconds of screwing up, starting over, missing the mark, making huge mistakes, treating myself poorly, and learning new ways to get to that moment.  I wanted to get on my knees and beg her to see that no one was more put together than her because no one can do her any better than she does herself.  And by being so kind to me that day, she had changed the world.  

But all I could say was thank you.  And then, when we were leaving and I got into my red car, she said, “And your car matches too!”  I laughed and told her I hoped she had a fantastic weekend.  What I wanted to do was march over [as fast as one can in those damn shoes] and explain that I was no more put together than anyone else.  I haven’t figured out the secret to life, I’m just finally happy.  Happy to be here and take every breath.  Happy to look in a mirror.  Happy to come home.  Happy to go to work.  Happy with what I have but unafraid and hopeful for more good things to come.  But I didn’t come into the world like this and, quite frankly, this feeling peaceful and happy is all still very new to me.

PLEASE, lady, don’t see me as a snotty, classy and perfect human.  I am sooooooo not.  I wanted to sit in her car with her and tell her my dog is old and will die way too soon.  My family is far away and I miss them so much my heart aches. And lady, is that a wedding ring on your hand?  Do you share meals with someone and sleep next to them?  Is there someone around to drive you batshit crazy and also make you laugh every now and again?  Lady, did you have kids before it was too late and didn’t have to realign your dreams and thoughts once you hit your mid-30s and realized it wasn’t happening??!  Do you know how blessed you are to have played in the yard with your kids and had a honeymoon with your husband of god knows how long?!  Cause lady at the bank–who someone likely calls Nana or Memaw–I laid in bed crying a lot of nights before I learned to accept not having those things and making peace with them. Dear bank lady, please don’t say you’re jealous.  It’s all I can do to keep this house up alone.  If you open my closet, credit card bills, a suicide note, divorce papers, and size 16 clothes are gonna hit you on your head.  And that’s just the beginning.  The rest will knock you down.  It was only through sheer willpower, faith in the universe, and love of family and friends that got me back up to a point where I can put on my red heels and red lipstick today.

It has had me in shock and thinking a bit about what people see today and forget that my yesterdays weren’t all smiles.  Do people think I brag?  Probably.  It’s easy to see the rainbow and forget the tornado that preceded it.  But you know what?  All that does is make me even more grateful for everything.  If you see me as put together and full of life and love and blessings, well, I don’t have to tell you anything about the acts of faith and the number of prayers and tears it took to get here.  I’m finally to a point in life where I don’t justify the good or dwell on the bad.  So while I wanted to go have coffee with this lady and explain all this, I just told her thank you and gave her the effervescent smile I carry everywhere with me now.  I don’t have to explain anything to anyone.  Those who know, know.  And if you didn’t know, well, here’s a blog to inform you that just because you walked in on this chapter doesn’t mean you know the story.  Only ⅓ of it is through me, the rest was god or whatever controls this spinning chaos and love from those closest to me…and not a moment goes by I don’t know that.