I have been asked at least three times this week why I am single. I don’t know what I’m expected to say about that: “I make bad decisions”? “Boys are mean”?  “Every time I take someone at their word when it comes to romance, I get a little bit burned”? What’s the right answer to that question?! I’m a smart gal, were there a simple and pinpoint response I think I’d figure it out.  But it is not simple; it’s rather complex. And after struggling for a the majority of my life with it, I give up. Going forward the answer is: because I choose to be. 

I’m starting a new meditation practice. I close my eyes and envision a table. I start putting words and images on the table. I fill this table with romantic love, people I am attracted to, people who have crushed me, children, wedding dresses, etc. ANY love-related image I hold inside goes on the table. Then, I blow the table up. In any variety of ways, I make sure everything there is nothing but dust when I am through with it. Now, in this meditation, the table survives (miracles happen in my meditation). But the table is now empty. And I decorate it. I put expensive table settings in place and a beautiful centerpiece. Then, I think of the things which are non-relationship oriented that make me happy and I begin putting those words and images on my table. What makes the cut? Let’s see, family, friends, Sadie, popcorn, books, music, television, writing, etc. Pretty soon my table is full and that is what I will spend my life focusing on. 

Some may ask, “why?” Because I’m just over the bullshit and bullshitters, that’s why. Because I don’t trust anyone anyway. And frankly, because it’s like the country song said, it isn’t so much I’m giving up on love as it is love has given up on me. So this is my last blog about anything related to romance. It’s off the table. Gone. Not an option. All it has ever done is make me miserable. And I have so very much to be grateful for with that gone!! Think about it, no one can have everything. I have a life filled with blessings and if romance and love are no longer on the table as something to have, then I have everything I’d ever want or need!!! So why leave it on the table? 

I’m glad some of you have true love and I realize I sound a bit jaded. But hey, this is just how it’s going to be.  A person cannot have everything and love is just what I don’t get. It’s cool. Please don’t set me up with “this really great guy” you know, please don’t ask me out, please don’t expect me to change my mind, and, most of all, if you know Marshall Mathers remember that this does NOT (repeat, NOT) apply to him. He’s my exception. A divorced Robert Downey Jr is also exception #1a. 

Maybe in a year or few I will change my mind. But, for now, I think this is really for the best.  

This is a hard day.  No, that’s not entirely accurate.  This is the END of some very hard days for everyone here in Mississippi.  For a solid week everyone has been bombarded with images of devastation.  [August to September is hard anyway.  I always think of Kimberly so much during these months.] And, some of us were forced to think about Aug 29, 2005 starting a few weeks ago.  So I’ll be glad when this day is over.  Truthfully, it’s like a break-up that keeps dragging out.  Katrina, let’s just go our separate ways, bitch.  (Yes, I dropped a B word and even that doesn’t paint a horrible enough picture of what I think about her.)

I posted my evacuation story and I didn’t really want to relive it.  And as I try and think of the days, weeks, months, and years afterward…well, I guess I am not a good enough writer to put the rainbow of emotions into words.  My story is one of hundreds of thousands.  I lost things, but in a different kind of way.  You see, Katrina forced me to look at my husband and the things we wanted and what we’d put each other through for seven years and a mere month or so after Katrina, we split.  I split, more accurately.  I took my truck, a suitcase, and left.  I came back a couple of weeks later for my Chloe dog.  Looking back on it, that’s a fucked up time to leave somebody…in the truck that I had to sleep a few nights in with him which eventually led to the breakdown/breakthrough that we were not meant to be.  Shortage of housing and I leave the a perfectly intact home to go share a bed with my best friend in the next town?  Damn right I did.

You see, that storm and being forced to sleep a in a truck together, brought up some very traumatic things between us.  And while I had been charading around and going with the flow for a long time, Katrina somehow was the biggest straw to ever break a camel’s back.  I don’t want to go into details–it’s sufficient to say that I sought a therapist who was practicing as soon as she opened and did give marriage counseling a try but ultimately, that marriage was over long before I left.  Someone had to say it and I was willing to have nothing if it meant I had peace.  

I got a raise after Katrina.  Well, I deserved it.  I left my husband and married my job.  [please note, I just realized how incredibly hard my teeth are gritted just recounting all this] But first, I had to find housing.  I found a duplex that had one hole in the roof (that was awesome, FYI).  They promised it would be fixed by my move-in day.  Move-in day came.  I loaded the truck and unlocked the door.  Surprise, the hole was still there.  I don’t recall how long–week or two or a month?–I slept with the closet door closed since it had a hole in it and listened to the critters coming and going as they pleased, what very, very few of them were left.  And then came a call from a friend who had gone to Florida and decided he was going to stay there.  Would I like to rent his house from his landlord?  Heck yes I would!  A lawyer friend got my money back for the duplex with a hole and me and the dog and the truck went to Ray Road. [insert Beverly Hillbillies theme song]

I guess I won’t hide the fact that after I left my husband up to the point of the move to Ray Road, I met a man and he ultimately caused me serious pain in a short amount of time.  Emotional and physical.  Being forced to recall this time in my life as I have been, I suppose looking back that it’s only because of the therapist and friends that I got through all of it.  But at the time, I just kept going without thinking about it.  Day after day.  You see, I was incredibly blessed through this time.  I didn’t lose my home, job, or loved ones.  And I don’t think that, despite the shitstorm my life was at the time, I ever lost sight of that.  In fact, at the new house on Ray Road I had extra bedrooms and a friend had lost everything.  I said, “you take the master, I like the other bathroom better” and we were a patchwork family at that point–my “brother”, my dog, and me.

He’d been in the attic with an ax in rising waters.  Already one not to sleep, my “brother” wasn’t sleeping well once he’d moved in.  With all the emotions running through me, neither was I.  One of my fondest memories is waking up and letting Chloe out in the middle of the night.  OMG, you never knew what I was going to see.  One night I smelled food, wandered into the kitchen, found my friend cooking lamb chops and singing to Bob Marley.  We ate and taught Chloe the song “Three Little Birds,”…every little thing is gonna be alright.  Another night he had found my unused yoga ball and was kicking it across the one-and-a-half acre yard in the middle of the night.  Seemed silly to let him kick that giant yoga ball around by himself so I joined him.  It was white and there weren’t any trees so the moonlight and security lights around the house provided plenty of light to make the game interesting.  One night we found my hackey sack from college.  The porch became a battlefield.  We also would randomly sneak up and throw it at one another the entire duration of our roommatery.  I think I hid it from him a couple of times, but I couldn’t resist not launching it at him and running down the hall with Chloe.  Once, he got me by propelling it at the shower curtain while I was soaking wet.  He one-upped me for sure.

We’d go back to sleep a couple of hours until the sun came up, I’d wake up and write for a while, and then we’d head off to work.  I’m minimizing the painful events and emotions, because the point is we just found a new normal.  Friends became my family.  There were bonfires every Friday night on Ray Road.  Hell, plenty of firewood fall/winter 2005!  And even if I was going to a bar that had (finally) reopened, I stopped by the bon fire first and visited with my neighbors/friends/family to catch up on the week’s events.  What I remember most about post-Katrina life is how so, so, so many people came together.  It wasn’t anything we talked about I don’t guess, but the community known as “the Coast” was one big family.  Quietly, without fanfare, we helped one another however we could and rebuilt our lives.  I can count at least 4 people who came to volunteer after the storm that I met and are still friends today.  One in particular; if I call Fred at any time and say, “Yo, I need help dawg,”  I know he’s on his way from Michigan.  He also ended up living at Ray Road for a time.  

After my “brother” left, my best friend and her father moved in.  It was some of the best times of my life.  We met a guy named Mike the Milkman.  That’s what we called him.  Before he’d left Minnesota to come rebuild the Coast he worked at a dairy.  Mike had a philosophy I quickly adopted after several of us loaded up in his Camaro and went to Florida one weekend to just get away from the mess and see something that WASN’T torn all to hell.  Mike would say to everything, “You’ll have that.”  Guy was a douchebag? “You’ll have that,” he’d say.  Work was a bitch all day? “You’ll have that,” Mike would tell you.  Brokeback Mountain came out on DVD?  Mike laughed and said, “I guess you’ll have that.”  I couldn’t have needed anything more at the time than Mike reiterating that with everything, it just happens.  Take it gracefully.  Katrina ripped the life we knew away?  You’ll have that.  He said it at least once an hour.  Soon, my little group of friends/family were all telling each other that.  I stayed on Ray Road until Aug 2008, when I bought my current house.

So, as I laid awake tonight thinking about everything Aug 29, 2005 meant for me and Mississippi, I heard Mike the Milkman’s voice.  God only knows where he is now, but that little saying must have crept into my subconscious and it became my mantra.  I used it for YEARS after he was gone.  But here in the last couple of years, I haven’t said it much, if at all.  It’s time to bring it back.  As I watch the sunrise Aug 29, 2015, I think about all the shit, the pain, the joy, the death, the love, the loss and I just think, “you’ll have that.”  For everything and everyone there is a season.  A time to remember Hurricane Katrina and a time to forget.  I don’t speak for everyone, but a lot of us have paused this week and saw things and thought of things we didn’t want to relive.  We’ve cried our eyes out.  Today, I want to just appreciate that mattresses aren’t in trees.  That new buildings and homes are around me.  That I see birds and squirrels again! That my friends/family are amazing.  And that this place I have chosen to be my home for 14 years (almost to the very day) is the most resilient place on planet Earth.  You’ll have that.

**note that in my recollection below, I think my dates are off; Aug 29 was Monday*

written Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Hurricane Katrina Experience

Saturday morning, August 28th, I went to work knowing we would be preparing for the worst. I work at a truck lot and trucks are lined up against buildings, secured by the thickest rope I’ve ever seen. I covered computers with garbage bags, lifted them off the floor, and put files in cabinets. All of this was nothing new. We’d done it several times the last couple of years. Afterwards I went home and watched the Weather Channel off and on. No big deal. However, I did a couple of loads of laundry just in case we decided to flee.

Sunday morning, August 29th, I knew this one might actually hit us in Gulfport. I finished up the laundry, took out the trash and got out suitcases. By 10 o’clock we still didn’t know we were leaving for sure. I slowly packed everything up. At noon we watched more tv, local and national, and we decided this time we’d leave but not go as far as usual–no more going “home” to TX just to turn around 24 or 48 hours later. So, at 1:30pm we left our house. I haven’t been back to see it yet.

——————————————–

We drove up Hwy 53 and ended up in Natchez, stuck in a bunch of traffic. We called Keesler AFB and were advised to go farther northwest. Local tv had instructed MS residents to go east or northeast and we’d heard reports of major congestion on interstates in that general direction. We decided Alexandria, LA would be a good place to stay the night. It was already dark. We made our way there without incident and laid down in the truck to sleep. Our dog Chloe was not sure what was going on but dealt with it. After a couple of hours there, Shawn decided to go to Shreveport to Barksdale AFB. So, we slept most of the night in the Visitor Center parking lot.

I awoke to the sound of my cell phone. My mom had woke up and was checking in on us. Told her where we were and that we were fine. Laid back down and was again awakened by the cell phone. We decided to give up sleeping at all and drove onto base in search of a shower. We found one in the fitness center (gym). A tv was on. There were only radar pictures. Nothing else. We no longer were in range for NPR out of MS so we decided to head east. We ate lunch at Logan’s in Monroe, LA. A TV was also on there. The storm was raging. No live pictures still. We didn’t know how bad or good the coast was. We decided to head back to Natchez. Once we got there, the power was off in parts of town. The cable was out at Walmart. NPR had very little info. We drove to Brookhaven. The winds were pushing the truck. We saw power lines down. In Brookhaven, trees the size of a Mini Cooper were pulled up with their root systems in tact. We turned around and went back to Natchez Walmart. We parked with a bunch of motor homes and listened to NPR. Slowly word trickled in, Biloxi, Gulfport, the entire Gulf Coast hit hard but no pictures, no callers. It was scary. Text messaging was working on our cell phone, friends in Arkansas were seeing pictures that brought them to tears.

Tuesday, August 31st. We woke up a lady in the nearest motor home came up to talk to us. Her husband had gone into Bay St Louis the night before. Their house, their business, everything was gone. It was the 3rd one they’d built and that had been destroyed. Their neighbor was floating in their yard, dead. Anguish and misery and worry filled her face and it suddenly hit me–this hurricane had struck us and struck hard. Hell and high water had came. Word came in New Orleans was flooding. We got a TV and plugged it into the cigarette lighter. We saw few images of MS and lots of New Orleans.

Shawn made me decide-we either head back to Gulfport or go to Sherman, TX. It took a while, and it was a hard decision. I had friends and a home and a job and school in Gulfport. I didn’t want to turn back on that town I loved. But ultimately news broadcasts made it clear, there was no immediate return so we headed to Texas and arrived Wednesday morning at 2am.

We finally had real TV. I couldn’t recognize the usual landmarks. As days went by I suddenly realized I would never be the same. I would likely have friends living with me for a while IF I had a house. Indeed, word did come that my office and my home are intact. I have a job to return to and until then I telecommute. I don’t ever want to leave Gulfport. It’s part of me now. And yet, just yesterday, before we’ve even seen our house, the Air Force is telling Shawn to pick a new place to move to. I’m adamant. I’m staying, I’m rebuilding with others in my community. And I’m waiting on word that I can return to my home.

Yesterday, in line at the bank, I got a compliment from a 60s-ish looking lady.  It was the first time in 36 years I’ve ever received this compliment.  It has changed my life.  The lady first glanced my way and then did a double-take.  I used the double-take to issue a standard Apryl Smile.  Surprisingly, she smiled back and looked me over head to toe without missing a detail.  I have never felt more insecure in my entire life.  But let me back up a bit.

Saturday is the first greatest day of the week.  It’s the first chance to sleep in with no alarm waking me up and the possibilities are endless when my eyes do finally open.  I knew I had to go to the bank and go see my best friend.  That was my to-do list.  There was a myriad of other items I’d like to accomplish, but the rest of the list was basically negotiable.  That’s a Saturday kind of attitude.  Which is why Saturday is the greatest day.  And I awoke this particular Saturday more in love with life than ever before.  Having a better idea of my mindset, you can now see why I laid out two or three outfits that were very bold.  I was taking the world on, feeling like a million bucks [which is interesting considering the $560 I was paying on a loan yesterday felt like giving away a million…anyway, I digress, as usual].  I ended up in my bright red high heels, shorts, a navy sleeveless tank with red polka dots, a cute navy cami underneath, and my hair was free to curl and fly away from my head as it desired.  I picked out some complimentary jewelry, including a ring with a single ruby [totally fake] on one hand and another ring that was $45 and made so well it looks like a $5,000 diamond ring [Premier Jewelry, I love you].  Completed the look with my red lipstick.  It’s Saturday at 9am, but why the hell not. Purse? Navy & red. Bam. Let’s go see my bestie.

So here I am, a bit bold maybe but in love with my life, standing there to drop a huge payment on the loan I am trying to pay off ASAP with this lady judging me.  About the moment I’m internally telling myself I look classy enough for Gulfport, Mississippi and not like a cheap whore this lady says to me, “My, you are very well put together.  I’m so jealous.”  You could have knocked me over out of those heels.  I smiled a warm and genuine smile [I wanted to hug her but that would be weird so I didn’t] and said, “Oh no I’m not put together at all but thank you so much.”  People, especially long-time friends and readers, did you hear that?!  ME, WELL. PUT.  TOGETHER.  WHAAAAAAAAT?! But my heart instantly sank.  While we waited in silence for the cashiers to say, “Next please,” I so badly wanted to throw my purse to the ground, grab her by the shoulders, and look in her eyes and plead with her to see that it took 13,387 days, 22 hours, 10 minutes and 50 seconds of screwing up, starting over, missing the mark, making huge mistakes, treating myself poorly, and learning new ways to get to that moment.  I wanted to get on my knees and beg her to see that no one was more put together than her because no one can do her any better than she does herself.  And by being so kind to me that day, she had changed the world.  

But all I could say was thank you.  And then, when we were leaving and I got into my red car, she said, “And your car matches too!”  I laughed and told her I hoped she had a fantastic weekend.  What I wanted to do was march over [as fast as one can in those damn shoes] and explain that I was no more put together than anyone else.  I haven’t figured out the secret to life, I’m just finally happy.  Happy to be here and take every breath.  Happy to look in a mirror.  Happy to come home.  Happy to go to work.  Happy with what I have but unafraid and hopeful for more good things to come.  But I didn’t come into the world like this and, quite frankly, this feeling peaceful and happy is all still very new to me.

PLEASE, lady, don’t see me as a snotty, classy and perfect human.  I am sooooooo not.  I wanted to sit in her car with her and tell her my dog is old and will die way too soon.  My family is far away and I miss them so much my heart aches. And lady, is that a wedding ring on your hand?  Do you share meals with someone and sleep next to them?  Is there someone around to drive you batshit crazy and also make you laugh every now and again?  Lady, did you have kids before it was too late and didn’t have to realign your dreams and thoughts once you hit your mid-30s and realized it wasn’t happening??!  Do you know how blessed you are to have played in the yard with your kids and had a honeymoon with your husband of god knows how long?!  Cause lady at the bank–who someone likely calls Nana or Memaw–I laid in bed crying a lot of nights before I learned to accept not having those things and making peace with them. Dear bank lady, please don’t say you’re jealous.  It’s all I can do to keep this house up alone.  If you open my closet, credit card bills, a suicide note, divorce papers, and size 16 clothes are gonna hit you on your head.  And that’s just the beginning.  The rest will knock you down.  It was only through sheer willpower, faith in the universe, and love of family and friends that got me back up to a point where I can put on my red heels and red lipstick today.

It has had me in shock and thinking a bit about what people see today and forget that my yesterdays weren’t all smiles.  Do people think I brag?  Probably.  It’s easy to see the rainbow and forget the tornado that preceded it.  But you know what?  All that does is make me even more grateful for everything.  If you see me as put together and full of life and love and blessings, well, I don’t have to tell you anything about the acts of faith and the number of prayers and tears it took to get here.  I’m finally to a point in life where I don’t justify the good or dwell on the bad.  So while I wanted to go have coffee with this lady and explain all this, I just told her thank you and gave her the effervescent smile I carry everywhere with me now.  I don’t have to explain anything to anyone.  Those who know, know.  And if you didn’t know, well, here’s a blog to inform you that just because you walked in on this chapter doesn’t mean you know the story.  Only ⅓ of it is through me, the rest was god or whatever controls this spinning chaos and love from those closest to me…and not a moment goes by I don’t know that.

I received an email soliciting me to buy some personalized products. The subject was, “It’s a Hall thing.” Cute, eh? Except I looked and Sadie with tears and said, “the Hall’s are in Texas so it’s just our thing precious face.”  That email made me feel more alone than ever. Thanks, personalization company. You can forget me thinking of you positively ever again. Actually, it was a very cute product idea. If there were an actual family here, I would scoop up something with our names. 

Not to say that Sadie & I aren’t a family. If you saw the way I ran around looking for her after noticing I was folding clothes alone you would see we are clearly attached. Ok, I am attached. It was like I had lost a toddler in a store. I’m so incredibly used to that dog being beside me that when she wanders outside on her own, I freak out! That’s a family thing. We are one person and one dog, but we love each other. Our family doesn’t look very traditional I suppose–not in the way the email inferred–but we are a unit. 

I’d be lying if I denied telling myself that just to make me feel better. I have a list a mile long of stuff I need more arms and muscle to accomplish around here and yeah, there’s an empty spot that wants the family name to no longer be Hall (no offense, Dad; I’ll hyphenate if you want).  Everybody seems to have somebody or kids or siblings and I see pictures of you all on Facebook. It just drives home that of all the things I wanted when I set out on the journey of adulthood a long time ago, the feeling I long for most has yet to be part of my life.  And I don’t see the vision coming any closer to reality. 

In fact, I’m thinking the miracle of life is one I will never experience. Oh sure, I can physically and maybe even do it alone as so many suggest. But, that isn’t what I want. I don’t want a child just to have a child. I want a family. I want a partner more than just a body or a sperm donor. At this stage of the game, looking at a calendar, I think I would rather travel and experience things together rather than rush to procreate in the finite timeframe I have available. I mean, I’m not shutting the door completely–who knows what life will bring when you least expect it!!–but realistically, I cannot imagine building the kind of relationship and stability I would want to give to a child in a matter of a few years. And damnit, that’s not easy to swallow. Maybe my standards were too high? (Comments not necessary…the douchebaggery on the list of BF’s past doesn’t escape me…that’s a whole other blog)