I almost started a new blog site today. Don’t put anything past me; I own 9 domains (maybe more). My reasoning was that life has taken such a drastic turn for the better. And for SO long this blog was fueled by a different set of emotions. But it hit me: all of this is me. It’s where I came from and how I got here. I’ve lived and loved off nothing but hope and faith for…for a while. Maybe years. If anyone wishes to psychoanalyze the entire blog and report back free of charge, I’ll publish your findings. Maybe not agree with, but will share. 😁 

I’m suddenly one of the people who would rather work or catch up on my personal stuff rather than sleep. Now don’t get me wrong, I love me some sleep. It just doesn’t bother me much to wake up at 4:30 and start my day. Hey, I tried to get two more hours in but my brain was having none of it. And I realized I could grab coffee and this mobile device and then watch the sun come up with a beautiful blonde lab licking my hand. “But the day is going to be so long! I won’t get home until 10 or 11pm!” That thought surfaced and then I just smiled. Damn right I won’t! I have a friend to support at EIGHT75 tonight!! Sure I could wrap my day at around 7, but I’m just excited about hearing her sing and mingling with acquaintances. And maybe, just maybe, I am so darn happy that a little bit of terrible white girl dancing will help me express that. 

Now if we did a follow up story at noon, you may not find so much enthusiasm. I’m certain that one particular department will manage to get under my skin before the clock strikes 12. But even that one negative is planned to turn into a positive. I could be overly optimistic here, but I think with some time and exchange of compassion, we can work together to generate more exposure and more profit. 

I think one reason I cannot abandon this blog is because everything up til now prepared me for this job aka my passion. Let’s think about it–I was one of those consumers with quite a bit of disposable income and time to spend it. I traveled the globe (some, not nearly enough, but more than a lot). I ate authentic Italian cuisine in all kinds of little restaurants. I drank fine Italian wine. I was opened to so much more than I could have been. And those are blessings. The fact that came with a broken heart that I had to mend was a small price to pay looking back.  Couldn’t have told me that until now but some curses are blessings in disguise. 

And I can look back over allllll the years and see that a path was being made for me. I was no spiritual guru or an example to follow, but damnit I held out and didn’t give up. I kept faith and held on fiercely to hope. At moments, there was nothing else to hold. It felt like everything had slipped away and I had lost it all. I’m glad I didn’t give in. I’m glad I was stupid and wise enough to tell myself to keep going. Sometimes that meant curling up in bed and not getting a shower for three days while going insane. And that’s ok. That’s where I needed to be. If I had NOT felt that way, would I rise before dawn so damn happy to watch the sun rise so I could catch this day and make the absolute best of it? No. No, I would not. 

And what about the years of misery with such a nice salary? Do I miss it? Let me tell you when I remembered what woke me up. I fixed my coffee moments ago and when I opened the refrigerator door the dream I’d been in the middle of suddenly came back to me. The fridge has French doors. And in my dream they wouldn’t seal. The cold air was getting out and I was pushing and fighting and angry because I couldn’t afford the electric bill if I didn’t get it shut. And that is reality now. I worry about the bank balance and not making ends meet. But I get to do so much more now at no charge than I did when I had a huge, fat salary. The smile on my face is genuine. So the question is do I want to ever go back to a time when I had to force myself to break even the smallest fake smile or do I want to pinch here and there (dear God, send coupons) but experience authentic and real happiness? That answer is so simple. The thermostat is on 80 degrees and Sadie has cheap treats and I eat cheap ass sandwiches and tuna versus going out for steak and lobster whenever I damn well please…but I’m so HAPPY. This happiness is out of control. 

And a reassuring thought also hit me: my life and relationships are far less effed up than most of the people I know with lots of money. Biggie said it best, “mo money mo problems!”