I’ve gained four pounds this week.  Combined with some anger (see last post), I knew something was going on.  I woke up and went outside.  I had my coffee and my dog and I just sat in the peacefulness of a summer shower and asked, “please show me what is going on inside me that’s making me act like this?”  The answer did not hesitate and instantly came to me: WHAT IF I FAIL? The new job. Failure.  Oh yes, that makes so much sense!  The F word I hate.  That F word will make me a complete mess quicker than anything else.

PR is something I have never done exactly–I’m just primed for it because of administrative and writing experience combined.  I make the perfect trainee.  But doing something totally different and wishing I could be of more help when my supervisor is completely swamped makes me question if she made the right choice.  And so there it is.  THERE is the reason I have been binge eating and my mind is a mess.  Oh yes, if you want to see a girl come undone, let me feel on some level that I’m failing.

And that F word flows over the relationships I also mentioned.  Complete failures.  Well, now realistically are they failures?  No.  The truth as I know it deep down is that everything happens for a reason.  I also know that God has my best intention in mind.  He wouldn’t give me something unless I needed the lesson it brought.  And maybe that lesson is how to fail and get back up and be bigger, brighter, happier.

Yesterday I took a good long look at my finances.  Something I can bear to do now that a paycheck is getting deposited.  There’s a monthly shortage between paycheck and bills, so I began to trim things.  I was amazingly calm throughout the next few hours.  Immediately went from over 400 TV channels to 4.  That saved $50/month.  Cut the internet speed and saved $10/month.  And then I saw an envelope I needed to open with the bills.  Old life insurance policy I’d had through the old employer.  It has a cash value.  And my taxes, I hadn’t done them.  I said a prayer (not a joke) and started filing my 2014 taxes.  Between the two items, cashing in my life insurance and the tax refund, I will have $4,000 give or take.  That creates a safety net for my food and gas the next few months without going into savings.

So after the “F” word epiphany this morning, I smiled.  I am so silly.  Here I am creating disharmony inside myself when God put this wonderful job inside my hands and within a couple hours fixed my financial troubles with things I had sitting right there on the kitchen table.  Turns out, finding an apartment that will reduce my monthly expenses enough isn’t as easy as I had thought it would be.  So renting the house may or may not be the best option.  If not, then I am thinking a roommate would instantly solve the shortage and even allow for the TV channel to increase. 🙂  So there are options.  God’s got this.  I don’t need to worry so damn much.

That silly F word.  It will wreck havoc on my insides if I don’t watch it.  I can’t be busy looking at doors behind me when the ones in front of me are opening.  Failures are opportunities for everything to turn around and get better.  Failures are blessings if you see what all they can teach you.