I woke up very ranty today.  Before I even looked at my phone I wanted to go on a rant about thigh gaps [how you gonna judge a skinny person but not want to be judged back?! WTF is that hypocrisy] and the Confederate flag [you stupid fuckers, the South totally fucking LOST the war FOREVER ago and has been part of the US for 150 years now.  GET OVER IT.  It’s NOT rising again fucktard and that flag is a symbol of wanting to keep human beings enslaved. Take it down.  It’s 2015.  The British flag used to wave here too but we don’t keep it up “for history’s sake”.  That’s what a textbook is for, dumbasses.]!!!!

So I had to ask myself, “why all the rantyness??  What’s going on here?”  The answer was kinda slow.  First off, I awoke from a bad dream.  I was in the 12th phase of sleep [yes, I am aware there are only 5ish] and I was walking in my work clothes.  I smiled at a man walking the opposite direction and he smiled back.  He took one more step and then reached around and grabbed me.  He was going to kidnap me [how do we “know” things about our dreams when they don’t even happen?].  That’s when I awoke with a start and a pounding heart. Combined with my ranty morning thoughts I decided some sort of inner conflict is going on.  I got some sharks swimming in my subconscious.

Maybe it’s the recent break up.  No break up is good but the one that comes about 11 months after it should have is just…ugh.  Everything was harder than it should have been from the word go and I guess the break up shouldn’t be any easier.  Or am I making it too hard?  Can you be sad about doing what’s best?  Shouldn’t I be happy that it’s fizzling and ended and life can finally go back to normal?  Yes, I should be.  Why am I not?  I’m still kinda hung up on some anger.  Angry at him, angry at me for sticking around so long and believing so much bullshit when actions said otherwise.  Angry that I still think about him.  Angry at myself because I have so much anger!  How do you even untangle that web??

I can only think of one other person in the universe I don’t wish well towards.  So my list of people I hate is up to 2.  And hate is even a tad strong.  It’s just that I don’t wish these guys the best.  I wish that they get what they deserve.  [insert the smirk emoji face]  I wish I could have a crystal ball that would let me see them getting that very deserved shit storm.  Maybe what I want is for two people to acknowledge they caused undue pain.  Well, Apryl, good fucking luck with that.  If I hold onto that desire, I will only continue to hurt.  People like that don’t ever look back and say, “hey, I’m so sorry.”  Why?  Because they got some shit deep inside them that they aren’t capable of facing, much less fixing.  Bless their hearts.  They suck.

Sigh.  That’s an incredible admission I just made.  It means I may never feel like that there was a lesson to gain from all the screwing up and pain I have.  And I’ll even be fair to the last guy and say I still hurt from the one before THAT.  I thought THAT one was for sure something solid.  I thought the games were over, we’d find a way, everything I’ve ever read in books or saw on TV inspired me to believe that it was magic and therefore where I had will, a way would be given.  And then BAM.  Like an umbilical cord cut, I was suddenly the only one thinking about that and if I wanted to breathe and survive it was only to be done alone.  So I drank.  And tried to numb the pain.

In stepped the next guy with all sorts of promises and saying he was a good one.  The other guys before him?  He called them weak.  And it was just what a woman in doubt of the world needed to hear.  My prince charming didn’t meet any of the visions of what princes do and I was perfectly content with that.  Except, early on he became not so charming.  And then, he would do something great.  And then, he’d do something mean, thoughtless, or just plain shitty.  And so began a tragic tale of wanting to be with someone who wasn’t who they said they were.  You know, I might hurt, gotten the wind sucked out of me the last year or so, and have some anger issues but oh my god at least I’m true to myself.  I can’t forget what I figured out above:  those aren’t my issues, those are his.  Why anyone would do such things is not beyond me: it’s right there in front of me.  Without coming out and calling him a lying, cheating, pathetic, insecure, narcissistic, fake, lost fat kid who never grew up and still has Mommy and Daddy issues I’d just rather say he is incapable of intimacy and providing what’s best for me and what I deserve.  He’s looking for my replacement, and I wish him well on that endeavor.  Big breaths, Apryl.  Bigger breaths, Apryl.  The sooner I get over this, the sooner I can be receptive to a better man.  And perhaps in the meantime, it wouldn’t hurt to tweak the screening process a tad as to avoid this shit ever again.

Long pause for coffee, a cigarette, and watch Sadie go pee pee.

Two thoughts struck me during that break.  One, it’s Independence Day.  I should be celebrating that both on a national and personal level.  Two, I take zero accountability for the douchebaggery mentioned above.  Subject 1 has two failed marriages and like five deployments under his belt and I think he won’t have commitment issues?  Where was your brain, woman?!  Subject 2 aka Prince Charming can’t rescue himself or treat himself decently and I think he’s going to do right by me somehow?  Brain, hello, do you fucking work??

And I hate the fact that now I’m the whiny, crying, little victim inside.  Vulnerability is a bitch.  I didn’t even mention the other curveballs life threw that I had zero control over during the last year and a half.  I got to fix this shit.  I can’t change anyone else but I can change my reaction.  Bless their broken hearts.  Bless my broken heart.  Life will tear us down and I guess I was in a position to buy a ticket on the Titanic of love boats.  But I know better and I have to do better.  Better by me.  Better choices for me.  I can’t carry that anger around or else it will consume me.  It already has!  Time to move on and let it go.

I’ll never hear an “I’m sorry” and if I did, I’m not in any place to accept it as authentic.  I have to decide that yesterday is over and it’s really fucking with my today.  “You can’t reach for the stars when you’re tied to yesterday’s regrets.” -Steve Aitchison.

 
I found that last pic the following day. All prayers are answered.