I almost started a new blog site today. Don’t put anything past me; I own 9 domains (maybe more). My reasoning was that life has taken such a drastic turn for the better. And for SO long this blog was fueled by a different set of emotions. But it hit me: all of this is me. It’s where I came from and how I got here. I’ve lived and loved off nothing but hope and faith for…for a while. Maybe years. If anyone wishes to psychoanalyze the entire blog and report back free of charge, I’ll publish your findings. Maybe not agree with, but will share. 😁 

I’m suddenly one of the people who would rather work or catch up on my personal stuff rather than sleep. Now don’t get me wrong, I love me some sleep. It just doesn’t bother me much to wake up at 4:30 and start my day. Hey, I tried to get two more hours in but my brain was having none of it. And I realized I could grab coffee and this mobile device and then watch the sun come up with a beautiful blonde lab licking my hand. “But the day is going to be so long! I won’t get home until 10 or 11pm!” That thought surfaced and then I just smiled. Damn right I won’t! I have a friend to support at EIGHT75 tonight!! Sure I could wrap my day at around 7, but I’m just excited about hearing her sing and mingling with acquaintances. And maybe, just maybe, I am so darn happy that a little bit of terrible white girl dancing will help me express that. 

Now if we did a follow up story at noon, you may not find so much enthusiasm. I’m certain that one particular department will manage to get under my skin before the clock strikes 12. But even that one negative is planned to turn into a positive. I could be overly optimistic here, but I think with some time and exchange of compassion, we can work together to generate more exposure and more profit. 

I think one reason I cannot abandon this blog is because everything up til now prepared me for this job aka my passion. Let’s think about it–I was one of those consumers with quite a bit of disposable income and time to spend it. I traveled the globe (some, not nearly enough, but more than a lot). I ate authentic Italian cuisine in all kinds of little restaurants. I drank fine Italian wine. I was opened to so much more than I could have been. And those are blessings. The fact that came with a broken heart that I had to mend was a small price to pay looking back.  Couldn’t have told me that until now but some curses are blessings in disguise. 

And I can look back over allllll the years and see that a path was being made for me. I was no spiritual guru or an example to follow, but damnit I held out and didn’t give up. I kept faith and held on fiercely to hope. At moments, there was nothing else to hold. It felt like everything had slipped away and I had lost it all. I’m glad I didn’t give in. I’m glad I was stupid and wise enough to tell myself to keep going. Sometimes that meant curling up in bed and not getting a shower for three days while going insane. And that’s ok. That’s where I needed to be. If I had NOT felt that way, would I rise before dawn so damn happy to watch the sun rise so I could catch this day and make the absolute best of it? No. No, I would not. 

And what about the years of misery with such a nice salary? Do I miss it? Let me tell you when I remembered what woke me up. I fixed my coffee moments ago and when I opened the refrigerator door the dream I’d been in the middle of suddenly came back to me. The fridge has French doors. And in my dream they wouldn’t seal. The cold air was getting out and I was pushing and fighting and angry because I couldn’t afford the electric bill if I didn’t get it shut. And that is reality now. I worry about the bank balance and not making ends meet. But I get to do so much more now at no charge than I did when I had a huge, fat salary. The smile on my face is genuine. So the question is do I want to ever go back to a time when I had to force myself to break even the smallest fake smile or do I want to pinch here and there (dear God, send coupons) but experience authentic and real happiness? That answer is so simple. The thermostat is on 80 degrees and Sadie has cheap treats and I eat cheap ass sandwiches and tuna versus going out for steak and lobster whenever I damn well please…but I’m so HAPPY. This happiness is out of control. 

And a reassuring thought also hit me: my life and relationships are far less effed up than most of the people I know with lots of money. Biggie said it best, “mo money mo problems!” 

  

I’ve gained four pounds this week.  Combined with some anger (see last post), I knew something was going on.  I woke up and went outside.  I had my coffee and my dog and I just sat in the peacefulness of a summer shower and asked, “please show me what is going on inside me that’s making me act like this?”  The answer did not hesitate and instantly came to me: WHAT IF I FAIL? The new job. Failure.  Oh yes, that makes so much sense!  The F word I hate.  That F word will make me a complete mess quicker than anything else.

PR is something I have never done exactly–I’m just primed for it because of administrative and writing experience combined.  I make the perfect trainee.  But doing something totally different and wishing I could be of more help when my supervisor is completely swamped makes me question if she made the right choice.  And so there it is.  THERE is the reason I have been binge eating and my mind is a mess.  Oh yes, if you want to see a girl come undone, let me feel on some level that I’m failing.

And that F word flows over the relationships I also mentioned.  Complete failures.  Well, now realistically are they failures?  No.  The truth as I know it deep down is that everything happens for a reason.  I also know that God has my best intention in mind.  He wouldn’t give me something unless I needed the lesson it brought.  And maybe that lesson is how to fail and get back up and be bigger, brighter, happier.

Yesterday I took a good long look at my finances.  Something I can bear to do now that a paycheck is getting deposited.  There’s a monthly shortage between paycheck and bills, so I began to trim things.  I was amazingly calm throughout the next few hours.  Immediately went from over 400 TV channels to 4.  That saved $50/month.  Cut the internet speed and saved $10/month.  And then I saw an envelope I needed to open with the bills.  Old life insurance policy I’d had through the old employer.  It has a cash value.  And my taxes, I hadn’t done them.  I said a prayer (not a joke) and started filing my 2014 taxes.  Between the two items, cashing in my life insurance and the tax refund, I will have $4,000 give or take.  That creates a safety net for my food and gas the next few months without going into savings.

So after the “F” word epiphany this morning, I smiled.  I am so silly.  Here I am creating disharmony inside myself when God put this wonderful job inside my hands and within a couple hours fixed my financial troubles with things I had sitting right there on the kitchen table.  Turns out, finding an apartment that will reduce my monthly expenses enough isn’t as easy as I had thought it would be.  So renting the house may or may not be the best option.  If not, then I am thinking a roommate would instantly solve the shortage and even allow for the TV channel to increase. 🙂  So there are options.  God’s got this.  I don’t need to worry so damn much.

That silly F word.  It will wreck havoc on my insides if I don’t watch it.  I can’t be busy looking at doors behind me when the ones in front of me are opening.  Failures are opportunities for everything to turn around and get better.  Failures are blessings if you see what all they can teach you.

I woke up very ranty today.  Before I even looked at my phone I wanted to go on a rant about thigh gaps [how you gonna judge a skinny person but not want to be judged back?! WTF is that hypocrisy] and the Confederate flag [you stupid fuckers, the South totally fucking LOST the war FOREVER ago and has been part of the US for 150 years now.  GET OVER IT.  It’s NOT rising again fucktard and that flag is a symbol of wanting to keep human beings enslaved. Take it down.  It’s 2015.  The British flag used to wave here too but we don’t keep it up “for history’s sake”.  That’s what a textbook is for, dumbasses.]!!!!

So I had to ask myself, “why all the rantyness??  What’s going on here?”  The answer was kinda slow.  First off, I awoke from a bad dream.  I was in the 12th phase of sleep [yes, I am aware there are only 5ish] and I was walking in my work clothes.  I smiled at a man walking the opposite direction and he smiled back.  He took one more step and then reached around and grabbed me.  He was going to kidnap me [how do we “know” things about our dreams when they don’t even happen?].  That’s when I awoke with a start and a pounding heart. Combined with my ranty morning thoughts I decided some sort of inner conflict is going on.  I got some sharks swimming in my subconscious.

Maybe it’s the recent break up.  No break up is good but the one that comes about 11 months after it should have is just…ugh.  Everything was harder than it should have been from the word go and I guess the break up shouldn’t be any easier.  Or am I making it too hard?  Can you be sad about doing what’s best?  Shouldn’t I be happy that it’s fizzling and ended and life can finally go back to normal?  Yes, I should be.  Why am I not?  I’m still kinda hung up on some anger.  Angry at him, angry at me for sticking around so long and believing so much bullshit when actions said otherwise.  Angry that I still think about him.  Angry at myself because I have so much anger!  How do you even untangle that web??

I can only think of one other person in the universe I don’t wish well towards.  So my list of people I hate is up to 2.  And hate is even a tad strong.  It’s just that I don’t wish these guys the best.  I wish that they get what they deserve.  [insert the smirk emoji face]  I wish I could have a crystal ball that would let me see them getting that very deserved shit storm.  Maybe what I want is for two people to acknowledge they caused undue pain.  Well, Apryl, good fucking luck with that.  If I hold onto that desire, I will only continue to hurt.  People like that don’t ever look back and say, “hey, I’m so sorry.”  Why?  Because they got some shit deep inside them that they aren’t capable of facing, much less fixing.  Bless their hearts.  They suck.

Sigh.  That’s an incredible admission I just made.  It means I may never feel like that there was a lesson to gain from all the screwing up and pain I have.  And I’ll even be fair to the last guy and say I still hurt from the one before THAT.  I thought THAT one was for sure something solid.  I thought the games were over, we’d find a way, everything I’ve ever read in books or saw on TV inspired me to believe that it was magic and therefore where I had will, a way would be given.  And then BAM.  Like an umbilical cord cut, I was suddenly the only one thinking about that and if I wanted to breathe and survive it was only to be done alone.  So I drank.  And tried to numb the pain.

In stepped the next guy with all sorts of promises and saying he was a good one.  The other guys before him?  He called them weak.  And it was just what a woman in doubt of the world needed to hear.  My prince charming didn’t meet any of the visions of what princes do and I was perfectly content with that.  Except, early on he became not so charming.  And then, he would do something great.  And then, he’d do something mean, thoughtless, or just plain shitty.  And so began a tragic tale of wanting to be with someone who wasn’t who they said they were.  You know, I might hurt, gotten the wind sucked out of me the last year or so, and have some anger issues but oh my god at least I’m true to myself.  I can’t forget what I figured out above:  those aren’t my issues, those are his.  Why anyone would do such things is not beyond me: it’s right there in front of me.  Without coming out and calling him a lying, cheating, pathetic, insecure, narcissistic, fake, lost fat kid who never grew up and still has Mommy and Daddy issues I’d just rather say he is incapable of intimacy and providing what’s best for me and what I deserve.  He’s looking for my replacement, and I wish him well on that endeavor.  Big breaths, Apryl.  Bigger breaths, Apryl.  The sooner I get over this, the sooner I can be receptive to a better man.  And perhaps in the meantime, it wouldn’t hurt to tweak the screening process a tad as to avoid this shit ever again.

Long pause for coffee, a cigarette, and watch Sadie go pee pee.

Two thoughts struck me during that break.  One, it’s Independence Day.  I should be celebrating that both on a national and personal level.  Two, I take zero accountability for the douchebaggery mentioned above.  Subject 1 has two failed marriages and like five deployments under his belt and I think he won’t have commitment issues?  Where was your brain, woman?!  Subject 2 aka Prince Charming can’t rescue himself or treat himself decently and I think he’s going to do right by me somehow?  Brain, hello, do you fucking work??

And I hate the fact that now I’m the whiny, crying, little victim inside.  Vulnerability is a bitch.  I didn’t even mention the other curveballs life threw that I had zero control over during the last year and a half.  I got to fix this shit.  I can’t change anyone else but I can change my reaction.  Bless their broken hearts.  Bless my broken heart.  Life will tear us down and I guess I was in a position to buy a ticket on the Titanic of love boats.  But I know better and I have to do better.  Better by me.  Better choices for me.  I can’t carry that anger around or else it will consume me.  It already has!  Time to move on and let it go.

I’ll never hear an “I’m sorry” and if I did, I’m not in any place to accept it as authentic.  I have to decide that yesterday is over and it’s really fucking with my today.  “You can’t reach for the stars when you’re tied to yesterday’s regrets.” -Steve Aitchison.

   
  

  

  

 
I found that last pic the following day. All prayers are answered.