Modest Mouse said, “I know that starting over’s not what life’s about” but I am tending to disagree today.  I thinking starting over is exactly  what it’s about.  Sometimes.  Things always end, new things begin.  Seasons change.  People in our lives change.  Jobs change.  When ALL those things change, it’s starting over.  I feel like it’s what I’m doing now.  I’m starting over.

I’ve spent enough time in misery over what’s passed.  I have no choice but to look to the future.  It’s scary.  It’s hopeless at least one moment in every day, but it’s also full of possibility.  I mean, I don’t have work.  I’m jobless.  Zero income.  That’s not cool.  But on the flip side, I can go do anything.  And ironically, I’m wanting to do things I’ve never done before.  Things that will allow time to write, time to go to the Mary C and do lunch, go have lunch with friends, take my dog to the vet.  Night time employment in the service industry.  Who would have thought?  I’m sure it’s filled with BS like every other job but for me, I’m excited!  I want to pursue it.  I want to learn a trade, talk to people, come out of this shell, laugh with people.  I’m pretty enough on the inside and out to make a decent bartender.  I just have to learn to mix drinks.  And even that’s exciting–it’s like chemistry and math and cooking had a baby and we call it drinking.  I’m intimidated by it, but I am going to ask around and see if someone is willing to take me under their wing.  I can promise whoever it is that puts faith in me, you’ll have one hell of an employee.  I’m loyal. Anywho, it’s one avenue.

I have all kinds of experience elsewhere and maybe it’s more profitable to go use that in another office setting.  It’s kinder to the aging body (although I got to admit, my genes are doing a phenomenal job with this aging thing…I kinda like getting older…I get better!).  And if it’s good pay, benefits, and some time off, then I might pursue that.  That’s what starting over is: endless possibility.  I have options.  I don’t see them, but I know that they await me.

Everything happens for a reason.  It’s not much consolation when you hear that in the midst of the crisis–and Lord knows my life got flipped upside down the last year–but looking back maybe the universe was screaming at me to start over.  To be happier.  To let the horrible things go and embrace the great ones.  I don’t have a paying job nor do I receive unemployment, but I got to be the happiest unemployed/going broke person I know.  I’m not going to stress this.  As I gave Sadie her Oscar Meyer chicken laced with pills to strengthen her body, I told her, “Sadie, we got to have faith.”  And we do. And she kissed me when I said it. Just got to trust the universe to keep showing me.  I spent a few hours on the resume and once it’s tweaked (13 years of building a company from a shithole with a gravel drive to a multi-million dollar facility and over 100 employees takes a lot of thought on how to consolidate that into a single page document), I’ll pass it around and start asking for favors and sending prayers.  I just need a foot in the door.  Just like I did 13 years ago, I can prove my ability undoubtedly. Not to get too spiritual here but I am already asking the universe to open the minds and hearts of people to help me.  To show them favor and hope that when my smiling, eager face walks in they feel that I have been sending those thoughts their way. It might be silly to some, but it sure can’t hurt.

So tonight I’m going back to that last blog where I stated I just have to love my life the way it is.  It may seem like a mess but the pieces can all be put together.  And I’m starting to feel grateful.  Lawd, I am so grateful.  It was a shitty situation, but I’m grateful to be gone from the people who didn’t respect or deserve me busting my ass for them all those years.  It felt like a stab in the heart a few months ago.  Now, maybe it was a blessing.  You have to breakdown to breakthrough.  I think Iyanla said that.  Or maybe that guy who does that show Deep Shift on OWN on Sundays.  Hurts from every angle, I got to quit dwelling on them.  They are going to pull me down and wreck me if I don’t.

Spring is here, time for renewal and things to start growing.  Time for me to renew myself and plant my happy butt somewhere new and develop a new routine.  That’s exciting.  It’s fearful if I think about it too long, so I don’t.  I focus on the future.  The people I might meet who become instrumental in my greatness.  I am hopeful.  I am passionate.  I am not ugly.  I am smart.  I am kind.  I have SO much to offer.  I’m excited to see where I can get in and fit in! Shit, I’m excited to be sitting here at midnight not dreading the next day! So grateful.  Now, Universe, do your thing.  I’m listening.  🙂