With all the imagery on Facebook, the interwebs, our televisions, etc I have found myself rarely struck heavily by much. But it happened today. It was this:  

When I saw it, someone instantly came to mind. And it’s the rawest spot inside me. But I felt the pain in my chest, I stopped breathing a second, and tiny bits of water came to the cornea. Because it’s true. Though all too brief, truth. Amazing what the truth does to our minds and our bodies when we see it and feel it. That’s how you know it’s true. 

I can imagine that we’ve danced this dance a hundred times through many lifetimes. In many galaxies. I have caught glimpses of you and your beautiful soul on tens of planets. We’ve seen and done it all. But right now, for this lifetime and this heart, I had to leave you and say goodbye. 

There are two things that bring tears to my eyes: Chloe and you. And so after the tears sprang up, the positive fool inside me said “well maybe that’s not all.” And I thought about my best friends. And the same is true. But instead of tears, I smiled. 

I always had this vision that people who were unemployed or worked from home should have the cleanest houses.  Today, I proved that stereotype wrong.  So wrong.  This is two-fold.  One, I was busy with a resume (and Trivia Crack) and at one point, during a strong thunderstorm, cuddling a very shaky and scared 65 lb lab.  I also ventured out of the house.  I had two meetings, one of which got canceled and the other…it was longer than I’d thought.  And another fact, when you’re unemployed and need work it’s hard to focus on anything BUT that.  It’s pretty nerve wracking.  You feel like you should be doing SOMEthing–however small–to take a step towards employment.

Like I said, I put the “finishing” touches on the resume.  It’s never finished; I will over-analyze and redesign it until I get hired.  And after that, it may be such an ingrained habit that I do it just in case.  And I had to let a couple people review it for me.  And of course, I’ve missed chatting with my friends so I did that.  I also signed up to be an extra on some tv and movies being filmed in the area.  I just threw up a couple of photos and completed the profile.  Nothing fancy at all.  Either they call or they don’t.  But again, there’s a need to do something every day.

Unemployment is stressful.  It’s a battle to keep the anxiety under control.  It’s a faith tester for sure.  I remembered to pray a few times for different people–some names and faces I know but some for strangers–asking the Universe to please show them favor, open the doors so I may come through, and open their minds and hearts.  It’s all I know to do.

And then I read something about people living their dream and not giving up.  From real people I had met recently who had achieved success despite odds.  And I think, “if they can do it, I can do it.”  I have plenty of examples.  But what is my dream?  What is my purpose?  Well, that’s easy:  to write.  But thus far, blogging doesn’t pay the bills.  And oh god, don’t get me started on that “make money blogging” stuff.  No, this is a personal blog from a real (crazy) woman.  I’m not going to pollute it with links and ads.  Bleh!  No.  Call it stubbornness or a misuse of my talent, but this is my place to vent.  Sometimes I post a link on Facebook, but it’s pretty rare.  If you want the address, it’s in my info.  If you want to know my thoughts, here they are.  I don’t want to use my talents for marketing someone else.  It’s the whoring out of writers in my opinion.  Would I do it on someone else’s blog that’s in need of a good writer?  Absolutely!  If I could make money sitting here writing–no matter what it is–I’d do it.  But as for apryl.me?  It will stay real.

OH, and I tried to downgrade my tv.  Those bastards won’t let you do it on their site.  You have to call!  Too bad I attempted this late in the evening because they are closed.  But tomorrow, unemployment gets the upperhand in the battle against AT&T and a bill I cannot afford.  Sadly, I actually tried to watch tv a couple of times.  But I cannot stress enough how the anxiety angel sits on my shoulder and says, “Is that what you really need to be doing right now?”  No, I guess the angel is right.  And if I am feeling super ballsy tomorrow, I will call and cut my package back down to 4 channels a month at $19.95 and kiss tv goodbye for good.  Praise the lord my DVR is full. (it’s mostly Storage Wars and since I’m out of the game that’s 36 episodes of pointless)

Sigh.  Tomorrow is another day.  I’m keeping a couple of notes in my planner.  Email this person, call this one, go see this one.  The printer is out of ink and won’t print the resumes so, Office Depot ($$$…fawk!) it is–unless someone lets me pump a few out at their place.  (I have my own paper)

So, I guess just like I told Sadie a few minutes ago, tomorrow we march on.  We keep on keeping on.  We have to have faith.  Take a few small steps each day until something pops up.  I got some leads, I know a few people.  Networking begins now that the resume is built.  (But I want it to pop and inform!)  We continue this venture tomorrow.  And maybe get the floors and dishes done if we’re lucky.

Modest Mouse said, “I know that starting over’s not what life’s about” but I am tending to disagree today.  I thinking starting over is exactly  what it’s about.  Sometimes.  Things always end, new things begin.  Seasons change.  People in our lives change.  Jobs change.  When ALL those things change, it’s starting over.  I feel like it’s what I’m doing now.  I’m starting over.

I’ve spent enough time in misery over what’s passed.  I have no choice but to look to the future.  It’s scary.  It’s hopeless at least one moment in every day, but it’s also full of possibility.  I mean, I don’t have work.  I’m jobless.  Zero income.  That’s not cool.  But on the flip side, I can go do anything.  And ironically, I’m wanting to do things I’ve never done before.  Things that will allow time to write, time to go to the Mary C and do lunch, go have lunch with friends, take my dog to the vet.  Night time employment in the service industry.  Who would have thought?  I’m sure it’s filled with BS like every other job but for me, I’m excited!  I want to pursue it.  I want to learn a trade, talk to people, come out of this shell, laugh with people.  I’m pretty enough on the inside and out to make a decent bartender.  I just have to learn to mix drinks.  And even that’s exciting–it’s like chemistry and math and cooking had a baby and we call it drinking.  I’m intimidated by it, but I am going to ask around and see if someone is willing to take me under their wing.  I can promise whoever it is that puts faith in me, you’ll have one hell of an employee.  I’m loyal. Anywho, it’s one avenue.

I have all kinds of experience elsewhere and maybe it’s more profitable to go use that in another office setting.  It’s kinder to the aging body (although I got to admit, my genes are doing a phenomenal job with this aging thing…I kinda like getting older…I get better!).  And if it’s good pay, benefits, and some time off, then I might pursue that.  That’s what starting over is: endless possibility.  I have options.  I don’t see them, but I know that they await me.

Everything happens for a reason.  It’s not much consolation when you hear that in the midst of the crisis–and Lord knows my life got flipped upside down the last year–but looking back maybe the universe was screaming at me to start over.  To be happier.  To let the horrible things go and embrace the great ones.  I don’t have a paying job nor do I receive unemployment, but I got to be the happiest unemployed/going broke person I know.  I’m not going to stress this.  As I gave Sadie her Oscar Meyer chicken laced with pills to strengthen her body, I told her, “Sadie, we got to have faith.”  And we do. And she kissed me when I said it. Just got to trust the universe to keep showing me.  I spent a few hours on the resume and once it’s tweaked (13 years of building a company from a shithole with a gravel drive to a multi-million dollar facility and over 100 employees takes a lot of thought on how to consolidate that into a single page document), I’ll pass it around and start asking for favors and sending prayers.  I just need a foot in the door.  Just like I did 13 years ago, I can prove my ability undoubtedly. Not to get too spiritual here but I am already asking the universe to open the minds and hearts of people to help me.  To show them favor and hope that when my smiling, eager face walks in they feel that I have been sending those thoughts their way. It might be silly to some, but it sure can’t hurt.

So tonight I’m going back to that last blog where I stated I just have to love my life the way it is.  It may seem like a mess but the pieces can all be put together.  And I’m starting to feel grateful.  Lawd, I am so grateful.  It was a shitty situation, but I’m grateful to be gone from the people who didn’t respect or deserve me busting my ass for them all those years.  It felt like a stab in the heart a few months ago.  Now, maybe it was a blessing.  You have to breakdown to breakthrough.  I think Iyanla said that.  Or maybe that guy who does that show Deep Shift on OWN on Sundays.  Hurts from every angle, I got to quit dwelling on them.  They are going to pull me down and wreck me if I don’t.

Spring is here, time for renewal and things to start growing.  Time for me to renew myself and plant my happy butt somewhere new and develop a new routine.  That’s exciting.  It’s fearful if I think about it too long, so I don’t.  I focus on the future.  The people I might meet who become instrumental in my greatness.  I am hopeful.  I am passionate.  I am not ugly.  I am smart.  I am kind.  I have SO much to offer.  I’m excited to see where I can get in and fit in! Shit, I’m excited to be sitting here at midnight not dreading the next day! So grateful.  Now, Universe, do your thing.  I’m listening.  🙂

March 8–A few times in my life I’ve had profound, life-changing thoughts.  Remember the one time I decided the key to my loving my body was to love it just the way it was at the time?  I was like 150+ pounds (carried well too).  That one thought, and the actions I took afterwards to back it up [those are going to sound silly but I would say, “I love my body just like this” every time I was dressing or getting out of the shower, I listened to “Love Your Body” by Louise Hay a million times until it sunk in, I read the book by Joyce Meyer “Look Great, Feel Great” twice, I started tracking my food with an app, etc etc etc], all were part of the change I made in my life.  And the beginning led to more motivation so I joined a weight loss challenge, used Herbalife products, and then kept it up until now I’m a size 0.  I literally have no size as my BFF pointed out! LOL. If I ever see 150 pounds again it will because of an illness or because (miraculously) I fall in love and get preggers like the rest of you people out there [how did you manage THAT?!].

And today, everything hit me.  I’m feeling overwhelmed.  Just totally lost adrift the sea of life.  I decided I needed to write an action plan.  There are about 10 ideas I have as to what path to take.  And I have no idea which way to go.  I want to do that which makes a difference, means something to me, but I need income.  My house is a friggin mess.  I have to get my resume together.  But what if I want to go back to school?  Deadlines, applications, loans to live off of, sheesh.  And beside me is dear, sweet Sadie –who needs expensive treatment in two weeks (and some food today).  And when you have ALL these thoughts going on at once, just a complete overload, it’s hard to sort through.  But I had an AHA moment as I put my hands in my face and asked Sadie, “Where do we even start?”  You have to start where you are, exactly as it is.  Just like with my weight, I have to take everything I have right now and LOVE IT.

How?  How do you love what looks like a mess? How I don’t yet know [hence why I write], but seems like first place is to embrace the mess.  Before I make a single step towards change, just accept everything the way it is.  Myself included.