Some people pick up a paint brush, some a power tool, and others a musical instrument.  My outlet is through words.  And I’m completely out of practice, so pardon the mess.  But inside me is a mess and so that’s how it comes out I guess.  [Eminem, that rhymes and I’ll let you take it] After 12.5 years, I am no longer with my employer.  It was a change I didn’t see coming.  And honestly, I’m really, really over that happening, 2014.  Take your change and shove it up your ass.  NONE of this year has gone the way I expected it to go.  It’s a true wake up call that I don’t write the story.  Maybe that’s why it’s hard to write nowadays–if I can’t be confident about what the next breath holds how can I be confident about my own thoughts?

It’s a wake up on other levels.  Values, self-esteem, money, time, friendship, passion…too many issues surfacing all at once.  It overwhelms me.  It wasn’t just a job as it turned out.  And I knew that.  I poured my heart into it even when it drained me, annoyed me, took precedence over my personal needs, made me unhappy, and even when it hurt others.  My life went into it and it was held on a dangerously false belief that I mattered a great deal because I gave it my all.  There are moments in every single day I want to cry.  Sometimes I do.  I cry because everything inside and out feels like it was burnt.  And now I’m left with nothing but a heap of ashes and damaged goods in my soul.

I struggled with my faith all year long.  It was fragile, to say the very least.  Now?  There’s a tiny speck of light that I can see–but can’t necessarily get to through all the smoke and flames–and that’s my faith.  And I’m smart enough to know how I handle this and get through it will determine my attitude and quite possibly, the rest of my life.  No pressure though!  Seriously, how we get through life-changing events is what sets the course of our life.  Honestly, I’m not exactly sure I’m equipped to deal with it all.  That’s the truth right there.  If it weren’t for a few people who have reached out, given me the hand in cleaning up the mess, I wouldn’t be here right now.  I try to focus on being grateful, but it’s a really hard thing to do.  Because I really just want to scream, break a lot of stuff, and then fall into a pile on the floor and beg for everything to go back the way it used to be.  What I knew and what was secure.  Where I thought I belonged and how I lived.

The desire to go on isn’t inside me but I feel like I have no other choice.  People have told me more than once, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” but I have to be honest here and tell you that I think it’s bullshit.  I can’t digest that right now.  If I could book a meeting with God, I would walk in his office screaming “WHY?!!! WHY!? WHYYYYY?????” and I’d probably throw a punch.  Just because.  I’m angry, sad, shocked, hurt, and feel betrayed.  On top of that, I’m 36 now.  I had to get older and none the wiser?!  Really?!

But I can’t book a lunch with God, I can’t break anything (fuck, I might have to sell it to pay the electric company), I can’t waste time in a heap on the floor, and I can’t let down the people who love me find me so….so…broken.  I have to dive into the next chapter.  The page is turned.  It feels like a divorce.  And I always held I wouldn’t go through a second one of those, but here I am again.  Everything I held sacred is washed away and gone.  The days are no longer what they were.  The people I love aren’t there everyday.  Everything I knew is no more.  And the pressure of “now what do I do?” is weighing on me every second I’m awake.  They say there are 3 responses in nature: fight, flight, or freeze.  Can I simultaneously do all 3?  Maybe, I’m super good at multitasking.  (I just sneezed and vaped at the same time as if to prove the point)

The thoughts I used to get me by before are no longer applicable.  And it’s a damn sad day when the image of being Mrs. Eminem no longer makes me smile.  However, some of his lyrics run through my head randomly when throughout each day and I guess that’s the power of art.

Is every moment dark and painful?  No; please don’t take away that impression.  The majority? Meh, maybe.  It’s a toss up.  There’s a fighter inside me.  There’s also a reasonable individual who knows it could always be worse.  Sadly, I live in fear that it WILL get worse. [the refrigerator motor (?) just made a loud clanking sound reminding me it’s dying] And I guess that’s what it boils down to: I wonder when it will stop, how much more I can take, and what is going to fall next?  And damnit, I hate that.  I fucking hate people who are like that… and now I’m one of them.  I’m a scared, pessimistic, hurting creature.  Thank goodness I know to be grateful, frugal, and stay focused on that tiny light of faith coming through in the dark.  I just have to sort through the mess inside me to get to it.  And hence, the blog.  I pour it out to make room for the light.

I don’t give enough love to those who try to help me up right now.  I know that.  You know who you are and bless your hearts.  I love you.  And I don’t thank God enough for giving me one thing at a time (although the fridge is an issue I can’t handle right now).  I don’t give enough praise to my friends, family, wine, pajamas, my BFF hooking me up with vape supply, tv, and my boyfriend who is doing all he can (& then some) to comfort me and pick me up when I cannot walk.  Believe me, I’m SO glad I bought in bulk so I have laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, dishwasher cubes, and wine to get me through a month.  I apologize for not being in the spirit of Christmas.  I apologize for the absence of my humor and my laughter.  Believe me, I miss these things too. Focus on the light…focus on the light…focus on the light…