You are about to be a witness to thoughts forming.  That’s how I roll on dis hurr blahg: I get a spark of an idea and I grab my Chromebook to think it through.  I shall attempt to prove my hypothesis that vulnerability has led to my recent confidence.  What had happened was…I was going to go through and delete someone’s existence from my phone.  Oh, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about: screenshots, pics, contact info, FB messages, etc.  Pretty much, I can wipe his digital imprint (which is far too easily accessible) out of my life.  Now, obviously the memories and the writings and tangible souvenirs are around.  I want to be clear, this isn’t the drama-filled crazy “I hate you, I can make you disappear” emotional rant with snotty crying and high emotion.  Nope, it was the peaceful kind of wipe.  The kind that says, “I have to let you go and all the things you said that I believed and all the hope that those things would come to fruition. That is my past, not my future.”  It’s a peaceful farewell to things I’ve been hanging onto for months & months.  [For the record, I was considering a Print option from phone to wireless printer and stuffing everything in a keepsake sooooo….]

So I go to start this task and I see a video at the beginning of where he entered in my life.  I’m like, “Apryl, what did you hold up your phone at the TV for?”  Turns out, an Oprah Lifeclass with Brene Brown and the subject was what to do when you’re ready to be vulnerable but your mate is not.  Now, I ask of the Universe, how the heck did I know that was going to be essential information way back then?  It must have struck some chord, although I can’t tell you now what it was last year.  [Well, holy shit.  It just dawned on me it’s nearly July.  “Last year”…dude, no wonder I’m peaceful.  This is long overdue.]  It ends up a discussion of the premise Brene Brown says: when you cannot ask for help for yourself without self-judgment, every time you give help, you also do so with judgement.  [Why are judgment and judgement both correct?! Damn you English language, you little bastard of linguistics!]

I subscribe to that theory.  Asking for help, accepting you need it, and being at peace with yourself despite whatever rough spot you’re in–whether it’s financial, emotional, or physical–is a hard task.  Took me a long time to get there.  But I’ve also learned it’s much faster to just admit and accept what is (then go about doing the lifework of making things better), than it is to torture yourself with thoughts and action that bear no results.  The Universe will make you do that–think you can find the answer and act as if you could change some things.  It’s mental thrashing.  And no one does it better than I.  I hold like the championship belt of wildly independent “solution” seeking.  When I could have just admitted, “Bro, I’m like totally out of my element and could you offer some assistance?”, gotten the info/help I needed, and moved on.  The good news is that in trying to figure life out all by myself, I researched.  I have read some major life changing books and identified in the process the ways I was sabotaging my own effort at peace.  So, yeah, I thrash mentally a lot but I also learn so much.  Thanks, Universe, high five.  As part of that research a year or two ago I started reading Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability.

Vulnerability carries the tarnished image of weakness.  We use that word in society as politely inferring something negative.  I did it; until I read about vulnerability, authenticity, and success stories of people who make their dreams come true.  Your dreams are gonna shatter like glass until you open yourself up.  I don’t care how big you go, how high you get–if it isn’t authentic, it isn’t lasting.  Like writing this–this is a very open discussion of my person, who I am.  But I’m unashamed of my journey, who I am, and how I respond to the world around me.  I’m not going to apologize for the Universe making me this way and no one else should have to either.  That doesn’t mean I can’t improve or make my impact for good on this world a little bigger; it just means I’m on the journey and I allow myself to enjoy each step and find the value in the valley.  I come with flaws AND THAT IS OK.  I love them.  I’ve taken the time to battle them and finally I reached the conclusion that being human means we all come with a little hidden label that contains ingredients and–like all awesomeness–some stuff that’s bad for you is inside.

Growing up means monitoring the intake and output of those ingredients.  Maybe you learn to substitute or change the recipe a little so you don’t damage yourself and people you love.  That’s what I do.  I see people all around me too…….too…….fuck I can’t find the word!  Why aren’t you being YOU and loving yourself damnit?! Why do you keep acting so self-loathingly?  Why are you spending your days and time with people who bring you down instead of up?  GAW.  It’s like seeing the craziest chicks in the world–whose insecurity and drama fill up a room–walking alongside the most gorgeous, kind, and creative geniuses and he’s all like, “Yeah, I got me a hot chick.”  Dude!  Really?!  She’s with you for the attention of YOUR accomplishment and to steal your thunder.  Or the guys who think snagging the megahot chick IS an accomplishment for themselves.  Hollywood’s red carpets are lined with it.  Go to the supermarket (bless your heart) and read the tabloids.  Those couples–and it can be men & women, men & men, I don’t care–are struggling publicly over someone’s private battle inside themselves.

Shiz, all I got here is a little blog.  I don’t really care who knows about my inner struggles.  You only learn from people who expose the truth.  I firmly believe it.  The truth can change.  The truth isn’t a constant, it’s a variable.  As you do all that lifework and open yourself up, you morph.  Therefore, how you respond and the way you live your life is going to morph as well.  But the struggle doesn’t stop until you actually face the demon.  It’s like all the hype and trash talk (which I love!) before a game or a fight.  It’s why people place bets.  We anticipate that and find some sort of joy in the build up.  But it all comes down to the actual game.  I talk shit every week during football season but I don’t know if the Cowboys are gonna win (but they might!) until the clock runs out.  And they could go undefeated, but that would be life changing.  In the same sense, I don’t expect to have an undefeated season either.  But if I do, I’m gonna celebrate.

I got off topic.  Like serious.  But I have appointments and things to do today so I’m wrapping it up like this:  “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.”-Dr. Brene Brown