I think crappy days serve a purpose.  It didn’t dawn on me until just now–when I’m preparing to end the day and started reflecting on how crappy it was.  I’m quite lucky in that the external universe didn’t really have anything to do with it.  No, today is the epitome of being my own worst enemy.

I wish I had a counter in my head for all the times I was hard on myself today.  I can rattle off a list of things I said to myself:

• Stop eating, you’re going to get fat again (I’m at 109 lbs)
• You’re the most impatient person on earth.  You’re never going to see anything to the end because you don’t have the patience required to wait for something good.
• You’re pores are too big
• You need to clean more
• You’re lazy
• You should be relaxed enough to not need a nerve pill on the weekend
• You fidget too damn much
• You are wasting your day and your time and possibly your entire life!

It went on & on & on.  But when I was brushing my teeth, I looked into the mirror (see above about pores) and quietly said inside my little head, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”  And then I realized, despite the last 14 hours having not been all that wonderful, I persevere.  Yes, I demand answers to questions that have no answers.  Yes, I totally overate.  Yes, being patient takes me mentally to the brink sometimes.  But I guess what everyone says about me being “strong” is that little tiny voice inside that tells me to go on.

I don’t give up.  I give in sometimes, but I never give up.  My life is NOT what I thought it would be right now.  I got thrown a curve ball I didn’t see coming.  Top that big issue with I get sucked up into my little vortex of thoughts and I’m not really all that great at coming out of it.  But I try again and again and again.  I can’t even tell you why.  I guess it is something about me that doesn’t stop.  Great characteristic for survival, but it has its drawbacks–witness statements can back it up.  Bottom line: when it comes to people, love, and I guess the uncertainty of life in general the only decision that really matters no matter how crappy the day is that we’re going to try again tomorrow.  I’m going to be impatient and sometimes demanding, but wow my faith on even the shakiest days remains present.  Now, how can I get myself to remember this?