Cause it sums it up better than I can.

Have you got colour in your cheeks?
Do you ever get that fear that you can’t shift
The type that sticks around like summat in your teeth?
Are there some aces up your sleeve?
Have you no idea that you’re in deep?
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
‘Cause there’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee

(Do I wanna know)
If this feeling flows both ways?
(Sad to see you go)
Was sort of hoping that you’d stay
(Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you

Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few?
‘Cause I always do
Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I’ve thought it through

Crawling back to you

So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart’s still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I’m sorry to interrupt. It’s just I’m constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don’t know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together if you wanted to

(Do I wanna know?)
If this feeling flows both ways?
(Sad to see you go)
Was sort of hoping that you’d stay
(Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you (crawling back to you)

Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few? (you’ve had a few)
‘Cause I always do (’cause I always do)
Maybe I’m too (maybe I’m too busy) busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I’ve thought it through

Crawling back to you

(Do I wanna know?)
If this feeling flows both ways?
(Sad to see you go)
Was sort of hoping that you’d stay
(Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day

(Do I wanna know?)
Too busy being yours to fall
(Sad to see you go)
Ever thought of calling darling?
(Do I wanna know?)
Do you want me crawling back to you?

I think crappy days serve a purpose.  It didn’t dawn on me until just now–when I’m preparing to end the day and started reflecting on how crappy it was.  I’m quite lucky in that the external universe didn’t really have anything to do with it.  No, today is the epitome of being my own worst enemy.

I wish I had a counter in my head for all the times I was hard on myself today.  I can rattle off a list of things I said to myself:

• Stop eating, you’re going to get fat again (I’m at 109 lbs)
• You’re the most impatient person on earth.  You’re never going to see anything to the end because you don’t have the patience required to wait for something good.
• You’re pores are too big
• You need to clean more
• You’re lazy
• You should be relaxed enough to not need a nerve pill on the weekend
• You fidget too damn much
• You are wasting your day and your time and possibly your entire life!

It went on & on & on.  But when I was brushing my teeth, I looked into the mirror (see above about pores) and quietly said inside my little head, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”  And then I realized, despite the last 14 hours having not been all that wonderful, I persevere.  Yes, I demand answers to questions that have no answers.  Yes, I totally overate.  Yes, being patient takes me mentally to the brink sometimes.  But I guess what everyone says about me being “strong” is that little tiny voice inside that tells me to go on.

I don’t give up.  I give in sometimes, but I never give up.  My life is NOT what I thought it would be right now.  I got thrown a curve ball I didn’t see coming.  Top that big issue with I get sucked up into my little vortex of thoughts and I’m not really all that great at coming out of it.  But I try again and again and again.  I can’t even tell you why.  I guess it is something about me that doesn’t stop.  Great characteristic for survival, but it has its drawbacks–witness statements can back it up.  Bottom line: when it comes to people, love, and I guess the uncertainty of life in general the only decision that really matters no matter how crappy the day is that we’re going to try again tomorrow.  I’m going to be impatient and sometimes demanding, but wow my faith on even the shakiest days remains present.  Now, how can I get myself to remember this?

I don’t know how healthy it is but lately I’ve been looking at life as to what’s gonna happen when Chloe is gone.  I don’t know if it’s healthy for me or not, but facts are this dog is 13 this year and she’s got a lot of health problems.  She’s my baby and really, she’s all I got.  It’s frightening to think of suddenly being alone without her.  Dog has been through hell and back with me.  At the same time, it’s somewhat liberating.

 

Liberating eh?  Well, yes.  She is what ties me to this house.  Ok, that, and the housing market.  It’s not my happy spot.  In fact, this place feels like a tomb more often than not.  But I promised her that she could have her own yard til the day she died.  She could roam a bit farther back then.  Now, she takes a few steps off the patio and comes right back inside 99% of the time.  Would she really notice or care if the yard wasn’t there?  Doubtful.  And, I hate leaving the house for more than 2-3 hours without her being checked on.  I pay a wonderful service that lets her out once a day for me while I work.  But I can’t go on weekend trips to Destin, New Orleans, Austin, or any other of my desired destinations and feel comfortable doing so.  If it hadn’t been for my Mom coming to care for her, I would have been very stressed about Italy.

So when Chloe is gone–and I recover from the mental breakdown–I think a lot will change.  I’m moving.  I’m not unopposed to leaving the Coast.  I have nothing bad to say about it, I just think I need to explore more of the world while I can.  I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, but it is decided that whether it’s to a condo or a mansion here or somewhere else (I might play spin the globe and decide that way!)–I’m outta dis house.

The way I see it–and someone tell me if I’m wrong here–I have absolutely nothing tying me down.  I have no kids, no family here.  I am smart enough to make it anywhere.  I have several skills that can get me a job or (my dream) launch my own career.  I’m shaving down the absolute insane amount of stuff I’ve managed to hoard (all bought thinking I’d be happy if I had it.  Wrong).  I’ll be free as a damn bird.  It’s both sad and thrilling. I have gone 35 years and my only roots are this four-legged creature.  That’s it.  I don’t really know what will come and I don’t know how to process that information, it’s just been on my mind.