One thing about me and having some anxiety issues, is that patience and understanding continue to be a problem.  Not knowing something drives me CRAZY!  I will also jump to the worst possible conclusion imaginable in a single bound.  It’s some severe personal flaws.  I think acknowledging them though helps put them in their place.  Today, I realize there is a lot of time left alive (hopefully) and time is a gift, not a torture.  Anxiety Girl has a way of not seeing that AT ALL and feeling like the world must be taken by fire every instant and doesn’t give my brain a breather.  Yesterday, I finally realized Anxiety Girl is gonna have to take a vacation and let my brain have peace.

Sadly, that Anxiety Girl Superhero can drive others crazy on a regular basis.  So those friends with the capacity to see me for the human I am and still stick around knowing the good outweighs the bad, a sincere thank you.  I struggle to maintain clarity in those moments that frighten me.  It’s hard to sit back and be cool.  It’s almost like I have to be taken by the shoulders and shaken (not too hard) and told, “Calm the hell down, woman.  No one is getting out of here alive anyway.”  The great news is that I’m learning to do it the older I get.  And though I still take myself and life far too seriously, I always come back to the center.  It’s been a while since I felt this good.

I haven’t dealt with my anxiety and emotions well the last few weeks.  I knew it was spiralling and sometimes searching for whatever can stop it only makes it worse.  It’s like the more I looked for answers the more anxious I got!  Funny how one sentence–said to me in frustration and I think merely as a sidenote not even the point–stuck with me and drew me out of my own skull.  It put everything in perspective.  It showed me that in dealing with humans, I still have a long way to go in seeing two sides to every story.  Even when that story is our own–especially when it is–all the more imperative to try to understand someone else’s perspective.  I think I got there.  And, in a way, made me realize the huge attempts the other party was making for my benefit even when they didn’t feel like it.  Time to return the favor.

Yesterday, I downed a good portion of wine before 5pm, never got out of my pjs, and slept for like 12 hours (with Chloe interrupting a few times to go pee).  I watched a couple movies and zoned out.  I didn’t pause them when I wanted to dwell on my issues, I just went back to the zone.  I literally had to shut down my brain.  Today, I feel like a new woman–refreshed, clear, and clean.  I needed that shutdown.  I forget to take time to shut down and I know I realize how important it is.  And that also helped clarify for me that all humans need it.  And when someone is in shutdown mode (just like I was), interrupting them is only going to prolong the problems they face until they are refreshed and clear.  The bigger the issues and longer it’s been since the last shutdown, the more time they need.  Anxiety Girl doesn’t understand that.  I’m glad I took the cape off and let it all go.