I’m sure a couple of people (3 at most) have been waiting on the post-vacation blog. Well, add some Primivito, and here it is. And, it’s relatively simple: I do not want to be here.

I do not want your Central Time Zone, your fast food, your non-recycling, your bathrooms that don’t have bidets, and your tv (along with the bill). I don’t want your wine. Or your whine! I don’t want your traffic in your SUVs, your cheap utilities, your cheap gas to fill the car, or your Walmart. I don’t want it. I do not want to be here.

Do not misinterpret: I love the USA. I do. It just isn’t where I want to be right now. Coming back was the most difficult thing I have done…& I have taken some difficult steps. But boarding a plane to come back to all this when I just wanted more of THAT…….well, nothing compares to that feeling of surrender and instinct.

Let me break it down: I’d give up this house, job, car, and all the above mentioned American luxury to have the sound of him whistling, laughing, snoring (yes dude, sometimes you snore), and cussing Italian drivers in my face. I have made my way here in MS and am grateful for it, but it’s the end of the line. In fact, as my friend James just reinforced to me, I am long overdue to get the heck out of here and start my new path. I’ll follow you mofos on Facebook and come back once in a while to see your beautiful faces, but I suddenly no longer feel this is home.

Why? What happened? Well, it’s easy: home is where the heart is. My home is not here because my heart is not. My heart is with a man stationed in Italy. While maybe he’s not entirely comfortable with that, I realized that I am. It has surfaced that he can be stationed anywhere, and that’s where I wanna be. It’s really as simple as all that. It is easy to stay where you’re comfortable and where you’re accepted. It’s easy to stay at the job that tries to break you and where the money deposits every two weeks, as agreed. But is it happy? Not anymore. Not as of the day that I was encouraged (and finally believe), more awaits. And I can succeed globally. I can go be the awesome “me” in any nation, language, or culture.

Because I adapt and appreciate. But today, I hate being here because I want to smell, feel, and hear HIM. Yeah, I know, you expected something more from me post-Italy. Believe me, sane writing is on the way. But at this moment, and all the ones since I got on the first plane out of Venice, I have just wanted to scream that I do not want to be here. I want to be with him. If that’s not possible–maybe he doesn’t reciprocate–than I will be honest and say that I will be starting down other paths. (Elusive and mysterious isn’t it? 😊) Stay tuned.