A whole lot of time the last few months has been spent ignoring and sorting through those beasts inside all humans: my feelings. They say “don’t believe everything that you think” and I’ve battled that. What you think can produce some pretty amazing or pretty horrid feelings. Sifting through both is a challenge. Finding peace and coping through them has made me a different person. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

One important lesson is learning to find our boundaries between where we start and end, and where others start and end. In fact, I can almost pinpoint that my entire life to this moment has been that lesson. And I do not mean to imply here that I’m done learning. Not at all. But I can say that through feelings like loneliness, uncertainty, doubt, fear, giddiness, and longing I have done a great deal of reflection on the matter and come to understand it a bit better.

I was watching the end of Undercover Boss and started getting all teary. But it was only the plug on some pretty deep stuff. The first thing is how incredibly useless I feel and that I am not making a difference in the world. That’s so huge for me. I want to help people. I also noticed earlier in the morning I heard a car and I stared out the window a bit too long. What’s that? I realized I was deep within myself thinking about someone as far away as one can be on the globe and wishing he were near. That’s some serious longing. I chastised myself for it. But then I realized, it is what it is. And it’s human. And it’s both powerful and scary. But I allowed myself to feel it and acknowledge it.

I have equally busied myself and numbed myself these months. My house is semi-organized and I cleared out a lot of crap. I have also watched seasons 1-8 of Friends. I actually started with season 10. So, yeah, getting lost in tv isn’t something I have done in years and years. It served a purpose. Otherwise, I could drive myself insane. You learn to wait. But I have pressured myself to wait “well”, as is customary. I don’t want to do anything “just ok”; it matters not what it is I like to do it great. I have to forgive myself for not doing it perfectly. This is a first. First attempts don’t have to be without their flaws. And it’s quite helpful to remind myself no one learns in the easy. Our deepest understanding and growth comes in times that push us. The key is not breaking. And being generous with myself.

It turns out I am far more selfish than I had realized. In some ways, that’s not all bad. I’ve had a history of the opposite in giving too much of my energy too quickly without proper thought. And that’s actually unfair to all involved, not just me. It took someone turning the tables to fully comprehend that. So some days I get overly wrapped up in myself and some days I get far too reliant. Balance. Oh you tricky and sneaky bastard. I’m gonna catch you!!!