I like cars so I am going to proceed through this blog with a car analogy. Life-right now-feels like I’m stuck in neutral. And I hate that. I frickin frackin despise it passionately!

It isn’t like there’s a slow person in front of you and you had to go into 3rd to keep with the flow of traffic. No, that’s a distinctly different kinda frustration. Stuck in neutral is wanting to let off the clutch and floor that beast and get somewhere. Even if the landscape and traffic is shitty, at least there’s forward progress.

I woke up distinctly disappointed and frustrated. And then the little voice in my head starts in on how impatient and selfish I am; how I bring a how new level to the game of not being understanding. How I should have known better and seen this coming. Basically, how if I was a better person I wouldn’t be stuck in neutral at all. And, that history repeats so I am the most ignorant beast ever created to think otherwise. That little voice needs to go fuck itself!

But, as always, I am a zen master. There’s a lesson to be learned whether we see it or not. Oftentimes, you have to get completely out of the car before you comprehend what you saw on the last drive. At least I do. It’s my life’s goal to start seeing signs along the way and deal with it all in graceful fluidity. I’m not there yet. I’m stuck between the vast lessons of my past and the zen existence I aim towards. I guess it only lends to mean that being stuck in neutral is part of the lesson. What other answer is there? Also, I tend to overthink and take things personally that have very little, if nothing, to do with me.

I just want to find the right gear, hit the gas, and cruise! Funny thing is, I’m doing more cruising along than I give myself credit for. Areas of my life that were a mess are cleaning up quite nicely. But I’m ambitious and restless. I want to see more, feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, and the purr of a strong engine and sleek suspension as I go. Maybe I need to sit back and pay myself on the back for the accomplishments thus far and the ability to be lazy and rant on a blog.

They say the more you know the more life tests you. The stronger you are, the bigger the battle. Maybe I’m not stuck; perhaps I’m uncertain which gear would be the best and so I remain indecisive until the road conditions speak to me. I’m taking the time to think it all out and make good choices. While that’s rewarding in and of itself, it’s an uncomfortable change. Who’s that girl?! Maybe there is value in neutral. I mean, there’s a reason we have it and sometimes you use it.

If I can remind myself to be grateful and hopeful, I think I will find the gear and continue on. As I have done so many, many times before. I didn’t get here without being semi-awesome. And wherever you–my poor bored readers–are, keep in mind your own awesomeness got you there. As crappy or magical as it all has been, we got here. And that’s more than some can say.