I like waking up before the sun rises. I open my blinds and wait for the sun to start peeking over the rooftops of the neighbors houses. There is a stillness and calm between sleep and daylight that seems for a brief moment everything makes sense and I accept more than I question. I get more answers than puzzles pieces in these moments.

I’ve been pondering vulnerability again. Dr. Brene Brown asks in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” what is vulnerability. This morning I think vulnerability is holding your heart in your hands out there for someone (or everyone) else to see; knowing that they could possibly rush you like a ninja with a sword (think the Japanese in The Wolverine) and shred it to a million pieces. Probably before you know what happened. That thought makes me squeeze up inside and makes my heart beat louder and quicker. It’s exposure far beyond what any X-rated movie could show. Cause it’s your innermost thoughts and feelings on display and looming out there. No wonder anxiety is the leading illness in our society. Not only does the ninja have the power to slice you up but he/she/they can text, Tweet, video, and possibly go viral with their shredding. Oh it’s almost enough to make one hide under the covers and never pull that vulnerability crap out again.

But everything is a process. At 35, I now know that no matter what your haters and your ninjas do to the information you give them, if my core is strong, I get to heal. The process of trying to find myself beyond that beating heart was served a cease and desist. Life does indeed break, shatter, and shut us down, but sometimes that’s when we get to learn who we really are. Do I want to lament or move on? Thwarting one dream does not mean death unless you can’t find another. I have faith that I can restore myself from any fight with a ninja and still manage to come through full of glitter and hope. It may take some time–and Lord knows time & patience are NOT my strongpoints–but I do have an abundance of gratitude and faith in the arsenal.

Iyanla Vanzant said everyone is serving time. It’s just that some of us are behind bars and some of us ain’t. We all are in some sort of transition; everybody has an unrecognized desire or dream tugging at them and manifesting. Me? I have two big ones. Now, can they develop? Well, one is to write. And by hitting the “publish” button (& living in a country where I’m allowed to ramble at length freely) I take one small step towards that dream. The other? It’s not ready for exposure. It too is merely a process.

In the meantime, I’m gathering myself. I try not to let the anxiety, doubt, and fear crush me. I try not to let a single moment, day, week, or shit maybe a month define the perimeters of my faith in what could manifest. I need baby steps sometimes. I know, that’s shocking to a lot of people who’ve known me. I am NOT a baby stepper by design. I am a leaper! I will jump in the deepest adventures and swim out later. I have been thinking the last several months that with some stuff, you miss a lot when you leap so far. Like missing the signs that say, “A ninja is about to rip you a new one if you jump here.” 😁 it goes against my natural urges to sit back, plan, and look at the road ahead before I let my brain go into 5th (actually, I’m more of a downshift and floor it kinda woman). I’m learning there’s quite a bit of perspective gained in a lazy little drive and it makes the meantime so much more fun.

My metaphors are getting out of control. Let’s land this blog before it gets weird. 😉