I like cars so I am going to proceed through this blog with a car analogy. Life-right now-feels like I’m stuck in neutral. And I hate that. I frickin frackin despise it passionately!

It isn’t like there’s a slow person in front of you and you had to go into 3rd to keep with the flow of traffic. No, that’s a distinctly different kinda frustration. Stuck in neutral is wanting to let off the clutch and floor that beast and get somewhere. Even if the landscape and traffic is shitty, at least there’s forward progress.

I woke up distinctly disappointed and frustrated. And then the little voice in my head starts in on how impatient and selfish I am; how I bring a how new level to the game of not being understanding. How I should have known better and seen this coming. Basically, how if I was a better person I wouldn’t be stuck in neutral at all. And, that history repeats so I am the most ignorant beast ever created to think otherwise. That little voice needs to go fuck itself!

But, as always, I am a zen master. There’s a lesson to be learned whether we see it or not. Oftentimes, you have to get completely out of the car before you comprehend what you saw on the last drive. At least I do. It’s my life’s goal to start seeing signs along the way and deal with it all in graceful fluidity. I’m not there yet. I’m stuck between the vast lessons of my past and the zen existence I aim towards. I guess it only lends to mean that being stuck in neutral is part of the lesson. What other answer is there? Also, I tend to overthink and take things personally that have very little, if nothing, to do with me.

I just want to find the right gear, hit the gas, and cruise! Funny thing is, I’m doing more cruising along than I give myself credit for. Areas of my life that were a mess are cleaning up quite nicely. But I’m ambitious and restless. I want to see more, feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, and the purr of a strong engine and sleek suspension as I go. Maybe I need to sit back and pay myself on the back for the accomplishments thus far and the ability to be lazy and rant on a blog.

They say the more you know the more life tests you. The stronger you are, the bigger the battle. Maybe I’m not stuck; perhaps I’m uncertain which gear would be the best and so I remain indecisive until the road conditions speak to me. I’m taking the time to think it all out and make good choices. While that’s rewarding in and of itself, it’s an uncomfortable change. Who’s that girl?! Maybe there is value in neutral. I mean, there’s a reason we have it and sometimes you use it.

If I can remind myself to be grateful and hopeful, I think I will find the gear and continue on. As I have done so many, many times before. I didn’t get here without being semi-awesome. And wherever you–my poor bored readers–are, keep in mind your own awesomeness got you there. As crappy or magical as it all has been, we got here. And that’s more than some can say.

Dear Me,
I’m writing this note to myself so that you will be liberated from your constant need to be anxious and/or worry about something. By 7am you have worried over a week’s worth of problems. And wanna know a secret? You don’t have any problem at all. Not one.

A problem is a death, a lack of necessary things like air, shelter, paychecks, transportation, or no ways to enjoy oneself. None of these problems are present in your life at the moment. So stop worrying, doubting, fearing and imagining the worst. Start counting your blessings and put that energy into something useful. Perhaps something like, oh I don’t know, trust and faith. Start there.

Trust yourself that you can handle what may or may not happen. Trust whatever shows up is what’s supposed to show up. You know you’re a complete package and you should trust yourself to be equipped to deal without giving energy and thought to endless possibilities, longing, and impatience.

Have faith if anything is meant to be then it will surely come. Faith in your dreams and faith in others. You are anything but broken. Get used to the feeling of being whole now. Rise up to the next level. You can let your worry go.

Love,
Me

I like waking up before the sun rises. I open my blinds and wait for the sun to start peeking over the rooftops of the neighbors houses. There is a stillness and calm between sleep and daylight that seems for a brief moment everything makes sense and I accept more than I question. I get more answers than puzzles pieces in these moments.

I’ve been pondering vulnerability again. Dr. Brene Brown asks in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” what is vulnerability. This morning I think vulnerability is holding your heart in your hands out there for someone (or everyone) else to see; knowing that they could possibly rush you like a ninja with a sword (think the Japanese in The Wolverine) and shred it to a million pieces. Probably before you know what happened. That thought makes me squeeze up inside and makes my heart beat louder and quicker. It’s exposure far beyond what any X-rated movie could show. Cause it’s your innermost thoughts and feelings on display and looming out there. No wonder anxiety is the leading illness in our society. Not only does the ninja have the power to slice you up but he/she/they can text, Tweet, video, and possibly go viral with their shredding. Oh it’s almost enough to make one hide under the covers and never pull that vulnerability crap out again.

But everything is a process. At 35, I now know that no matter what your haters and your ninjas do to the information you give them, if my core is strong, I get to heal. The process of trying to find myself beyond that beating heart was served a cease and desist. Life does indeed break, shatter, and shut us down, but sometimes that’s when we get to learn who we really are. Do I want to lament or move on? Thwarting one dream does not mean death unless you can’t find another. I have faith that I can restore myself from any fight with a ninja and still manage to come through full of glitter and hope. It may take some time–and Lord knows time & patience are NOT my strongpoints–but I do have an abundance of gratitude and faith in the arsenal.

Iyanla Vanzant said everyone is serving time. It’s just that some of us are behind bars and some of us ain’t. We all are in some sort of transition; everybody has an unrecognized desire or dream tugging at them and manifesting. Me? I have two big ones. Now, can they develop? Well, one is to write. And by hitting the “publish” button (& living in a country where I’m allowed to ramble at length freely) I take one small step towards that dream. The other? It’s not ready for exposure. It too is merely a process.

In the meantime, I’m gathering myself. I try not to let the anxiety, doubt, and fear crush me. I try not to let a single moment, day, week, or shit maybe a month define the perimeters of my faith in what could manifest. I need baby steps sometimes. I know, that’s shocking to a lot of people who’ve known me. I am NOT a baby stepper by design. I am a leaper! I will jump in the deepest adventures and swim out later. I have been thinking the last several months that with some stuff, you miss a lot when you leap so far. Like missing the signs that say, “A ninja is about to rip you a new one if you jump here.” 😁 it goes against my natural urges to sit back, plan, and look at the road ahead before I let my brain go into 5th (actually, I’m more of a downshift and floor it kinda woman). I’m learning there’s quite a bit of perspective gained in a lazy little drive and it makes the meantime so much more fun.

My metaphors are getting out of control. Let’s land this blog before it gets weird. 😉