Sometimes I just wanna cry like a little girl. Yup. There, I said it. And then, I don’t do it. Maybe I’d feel better if I did. Maybe I need a good, long cry. Stuff is building up inside and that’s never good. I’m becoming lazy and eating more. Also NOT good. Not after all the work I put into losing all that weight. I have come too far to let fear and insecurity or sadness bring me down (or up on the scale, whichever way you wanna see it).

I like action plans. There is no action plan that I can formulate to combat time and distance. Those elements are unstoppable opponents. They win. So I guess it’s what we do during the time and with ourselves when we cannot see the people we love. Maybe it’s important that I realize–for once–time and distance haven’t always been my enemy. In fact, looking back on 35 years, I’d say everything happened in the most perfect timing even if it didn’t feel like it when it was happening. Every event was a stepping stone to get me to today. And someday, the days I now begin to loathe will be the steps that led me somewhere else. So I know in my head it makes no sense to try and speed it up or get very anxious about closing the gap. It just is. Maybe I anticipate my trip to Italy so much because it means the end to the wait. But it may could only be the beginning of another long wait now couldn’t it? And that’s about the crappiest thought I damn near have ever had.

But say that is the case–& who knows, mere speculation at this point–I better get real damn comfy with this waiting and distance now shouldn’t I? Hmmm. Never thought about that. Something to ponder. Either way, time to surrender that it is what it is. Maybe it’s turning 35, my hormones, the holidays, the unrelenting stress, watching my dog needing picked up more and walking less. Maybe it’s more. Or maybe it’s all of these and something you can’t ever figure out. Life isn’t a logic puzzle to solve. Much of it doesn’t make sense until it’s over. One day I may look back and realize I had nothing to cry about anyway.

Because really, how much would I change even if I could? Who am I to believe that if somehow time and distance weren’t factors, I would be better off? These lessons life teaches, they don’t come easy. But they do come. I am impatient and what if I’m being cleansed of that (one episode of Friends at a time). I tend to believe that “in the meantime” can be quite valuable if used well. I started being crafty. I like that. I’m watching every season of Friends again. I like it. I’m spending a good deal of time with Chloe. I don’t know how much longer we got so I like that. Maybe someone else out there needed whatever all this time and distance provides. And if so, then I like people getting what they need.

I guess this wasn’t the jolly holiday post one would expect but then again, nothing is ever what we expect. And hell, I kinda like that too. 😁