Normally I buy myself something for my birthday (19th) and Christmas that I really want. The signed Eminem lithograph has got to be one of my all time faves. This year, I have a few items I would get anyway on a “pending cash” list (new glasses, good makeup, etc) but nothing has the “man I gotta splurge and get it” feel. In a lot of ways, I think it’s pretty accurate where I am these days. What I lack, cannot be bought or obtained.

I have more art, gadgets, trinkets, baubles, and crap than one woman needs. Now Lawd, whoever thought I would say that?! Let’s not get too carried away, there’s always a cheap but cute bracelet or necklace I want. I loved Brandy’s lotion more than anything but she doesn’t sell (sale?! Eff I hate sell/sale!) it anymore. Music? Meh. When it strikes me iTunes brings instant gratification. Shoes? Where the heck would I put them? Everything else is out of my budget. Unless I dip into accounts I’m not supposed to touch and never look at. And it ain’t worth all that.

No, this year is different. I’m planning a vacation in the spring and that’s got me so excited I could pee! (Well and I have to pee). So despite it being the big 3-5, I think I’m all set. No big splurges. And, quite honestly, no one else is getting much either. I’m not up for shopping and crowds with having little energy and no holiday budget. I’m making gifts this year from the Hobby Lobby stash. At first I was intimidated. That voice in my head, “Oh your crafts are so lame, imperfect, and nobody would want that!” But then I realized how few presents I get each year that I adore and use. No offense to anyone out there but I’m kinda hard to buy for. I have lots (see above), I buy everything I want (see monthly credit statements), and I like heartfelt and simple things. Lawd, somebody detailing my car, giving me Amazon gift card, or Cowboys gear would rock. But really, I don’t have a wish list. Not until I have my house back to myself can I buy the things I’ve been wanting.

So a great deal of time today was thinking about this and some things that came up that I do want are just impossible. My family is far away and travel is neither cheap nor an option considering work right now. My dog. If I could either make her youthful again or have her pass in her sleep painlessly and quickly that would be a Christmas miracle. Again, out of my control. And finally the Mariah Carey song–which is my favorite carol–echoes as I blast it daily: “I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know”. Oddly, I’m not really sad to be alone this year. I’ll probably go somewhere for dinner (cause I love holiday cookings!!!!) but I’m not the only one out there who isn’t with the ones they cherish. It’s just the way life designed it. And the universe has it’s own way of designing things in perfection.

I may spend Christmas more like thanksgiving: being grateful for all the stuff, loving on my poor, sickly animal who teaches me daily that when the body gives up the spirit does not, and remembering how so, so very blessed I am.