Life changes us one teeny, tiny moment at a time. Sometimes they slip by us and we do not notice. However, when we are paying attention, they can have a really big impact. I was doing my boredom thing today–Pinterest, Facebook, and reading a book; alternating back and forth–basically, my means for coping with the uneasiness I am feeling. And suddenly, in just a fraction of a second, it hit me: I needed to be grateful for the uneasiness. Yep, I suddenly thanked the Divine for it.

Instantly I perked up. Why? Because I am sincerely grateful for uneasiness and painful moments. THOSE are the ones that mean you are growing, change is coming to you, and live is evolving. Sure I felt most alive when I walk down Broadway or stared in awe at the Grand Canyon. Those are moments too. Those are moments it’s easy to be grateful.

But what about the moments it took to say something hard to someone? To feel defeated, guilty, used and alone? Did those moments not mean just as much when I overcame them? Yes, they did. What about the uncertain times when I had to learn to pray, trust, and hope? Don’t those most unpleasant moments release our faith? I think they do. Why shouldn’t I be grateful for the times that I know something better is in the works? I can’t find a reason.

I am sincerely grateful and give praise to the times that teach me how to be a better person. To appreciate my health and my body, as imperfect as it may be. To appreciate that someone far away is breathing and is ok. To appreciate the anxiety about changing my home around because it means the clutter and disorder are no longer tolerable to me. To let the new give way and throw the old off like a to-do list that’s complete. These are hard things but when I stop to listen, I recognize that they are pretty clear signals that while I felt nothing was happening, in fact, many things are changing. And change can be difficult and I am forgetting how truly fulfilling it can be when we turn around and see where we once were.

I am heading in a direction that’s new to me but oh so very welcome. So maybe a little patience with myself is needed. All that uneasiness is a sign that things are about to get real awesome. For that, I am so grateful.

Sometimes I just wanna cry like a little girl. Yup. There, I said it. And then, I don’t do it. Maybe I’d feel better if I did. Maybe I need a good, long cry. Stuff is building up inside and that’s never good. I’m becoming lazy and eating more. Also NOT good. Not after all the work I put into losing all that weight. I have come too far to let fear and insecurity or sadness bring me down (or up on the scale, whichever way you wanna see it).

I like action plans. There is no action plan that I can formulate to combat time and distance. Those elements are unstoppable opponents. They win. So I guess it’s what we do during the time and with ourselves when we cannot see the people we love. Maybe it’s important that I realize–for once–time and distance haven’t always been my enemy. In fact, looking back on 35 years, I’d say everything happened in the most perfect timing even if it didn’t feel like it when it was happening. Every event was a stepping stone to get me to today. And someday, the days I now begin to loathe will be the steps that led me somewhere else. So I know in my head it makes no sense to try and speed it up or get very anxious about closing the gap. It just is. Maybe I anticipate my trip to Italy so much because it means the end to the wait. But it may could only be the beginning of another long wait now couldn’t it? And that’s about the crappiest thought I damn near have ever had.

But say that is the case–& who knows, mere speculation at this point–I better get real damn comfy with this waiting and distance now shouldn’t I? Hmmm. Never thought about that. Something to ponder. Either way, time to surrender that it is what it is. Maybe it’s turning 35, my hormones, the holidays, the unrelenting stress, watching my dog needing picked up more and walking less. Maybe it’s more. Or maybe it’s all of these and something you can’t ever figure out. Life isn’t a logic puzzle to solve. Much of it doesn’t make sense until it’s over. One day I may look back and realize I had nothing to cry about anyway.

Because really, how much would I change even if I could? Who am I to believe that if somehow time and distance weren’t factors, I would be better off? These lessons life teaches, they don’t come easy. But they do come. I am impatient and what if I’m being cleansed of that (one episode of Friends at a time). I tend to believe that “in the meantime” can be quite valuable if used well. I started being crafty. I like that. I’m watching every season of Friends again. I like it. I’m spending a good deal of time with Chloe. I don’t know how much longer we got so I like that. Maybe someone else out there needed whatever all this time and distance provides. And if so, then I like people getting what they need.

I guess this wasn’t the jolly holiday post one would expect but then again, nothing is ever what we expect. And hell, I kinda like that too. 😁

I decided within the last 24 hours that my favorite word is (drumroll)…”together.” And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it isn’t everyone’s favorite word. Ok, “plethora” and “cornucopia” get honorable mentions. But seriously, don’t humans have a basic need of bonding and togetherness?

It’s funny that I was with my friend Dawn when I found my favorite word. And it was also Dawn who–most unusually, in a polite manner–helped me realize the root of my bad mood isn’t because the coffee was gone or because the kitchen faucet is loose. It isn’t because the Cowboys lost to the Bears. It’s because I want to be with the one I like and we can’t be together. (I’ll leave it vague and say “global issues” keeping us apart). She was super kind in her agreement that there a couple of facts: 1. I am single, employed, no children and have some expendable income 1b. This means I do what I want, when I want. 2. I’m in management so I’m kinda used to getting my way (although I have a team beside who usually stops my runaway train from derailing when I am wrong). So if I want to take a trip to NYC or the Grand Canyon, I just do. If I want a new sweater, spray tan, book, or whatever knickknack attracts me temporarily, I go get it (read: click “add to cart” button on Amazon). And if I can’t have or do something, I replace it immediately and make a new ok.

And that leaves me, for the first time in a long time, wanting for someone whose physical presence is an impossibility. The universe, working on my behalf I trust, is teaching me patience. Something I lack. Oh, I’m pretty good sometimes. I’m fairly easy-going in situations. I’m along for the ride. Until I really want it. Then the goal-oriented, business gal who was taught by her administrators to seize the moment and grab life by the horns kicks in. I am at the stage where I must confess that “global issues” win and I am at the mercy of time. I have to wait. Not a short wait, but it could be a lot worse. (Furthermore, business ideals don’t necessarily work in the best interest where human beings are concerned and I’ve learned that too)

Now, just for shits and giggles, let’s add worry to that. Oh yes, my dearest friend Worry. Never far from my side and always there when I don’t need her. There can be nothing to worry about and I’ll let some minute detail creep in and wreck chaos in my brain. Y’all read about the calm after the storm (or at least once I’ve calmed enough to sit and detail it). Worry has a twin sister: Insecurity. They travel together. When Worry sleeps, Insecurity is awake and telling me all kinds of lies. And while I shouldn’t listen to either one, they exist and they speak directly to my brain all the time. While they are both full of nonsense, it’s hard to see that when they echo inside your frontal lobe.

Now, for the final ingredient, Holidays! Yay Christmastime! Now this is not my first Christmas alone. And it surely won’t be my last (or could it?!) but it doesn’t make it any easier. I have to be at work and my family is 9 hours away. I could fly in–at an astronomical rate–on Christmas Eve and back out Christmas night but that’s not a holiday. That’s a “hello, love you, gotta go.” And instead of being there just long enough to get a hug and eat,
I’d rather stay comfy in my pjs and not throat punch another crazy at the airport. But when you miss your family, you miss your family. You want to be “together.” Many people miss loved ones. Many people don’t have the luxury of being able to pick up a phone and say Merry Christmas & I love you. So for that tiny bit of consolation, I’m grateful.

I guess the point is, if you are with someone you love (or just kinda like) for the holiday, don’t forget how lucky you truly are. If ya got a family you can go see and drive you insane, go grab that insanity by the horns. If you can be together, by all means, enjoy it. I’m determined (and I have some hope and faith behind that) together awaits me. In it’s perfect timing, the universe brings us together with the ones we need. And that’s why it’s my favorite word. Sometimes the togetherness of ordinary, imperfect, flawed human beings is the greatest gift ever.

Normally I buy myself something for my birthday (19th) and Christmas that I really want. The signed Eminem lithograph has got to be one of my all time faves. This year, I have a few items I would get anyway on a “pending cash” list (new glasses, good makeup, etc) but nothing has the “man I gotta splurge and get it” feel. In a lot of ways, I think it’s pretty accurate where I am these days. What I lack, cannot be bought or obtained.

I have more art, gadgets, trinkets, baubles, and crap than one woman needs. Now Lawd, whoever thought I would say that?! Let’s not get too carried away, there’s always a cheap but cute bracelet or necklace I want. I loved Brandy’s lotion more than anything but she doesn’t sell (sale?! Eff I hate sell/sale!) it anymore. Music? Meh. When it strikes me iTunes brings instant gratification. Shoes? Where the heck would I put them? Everything else is out of my budget. Unless I dip into accounts I’m not supposed to touch and never look at. And it ain’t worth all that.

No, this year is different. I’m planning a vacation in the spring and that’s got me so excited I could pee! (Well and I have to pee). So despite it being the big 3-5, I think I’m all set. No big splurges. And, quite honestly, no one else is getting much either. I’m not up for shopping and crowds with having little energy and no holiday budget. I’m making gifts this year from the Hobby Lobby stash. At first I was intimidated. That voice in my head, “Oh your crafts are so lame, imperfect, and nobody would want that!” But then I realized how few presents I get each year that I adore and use. No offense to anyone out there but I’m kinda hard to buy for. I have lots (see above), I buy everything I want (see monthly credit statements), and I like heartfelt and simple things. Lawd, somebody detailing my car, giving me Amazon gift card, or Cowboys gear would rock. But really, I don’t have a wish list. Not until I have my house back to myself can I buy the things I’ve been wanting.

So a great deal of time today was thinking about this and some things that came up that I do want are just impossible. My family is far away and travel is neither cheap nor an option considering work right now. My dog. If I could either make her youthful again or have her pass in her sleep painlessly and quickly that would be a Christmas miracle. Again, out of my control. And finally the Mariah Carey song–which is my favorite carol–echoes as I blast it daily: “I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know”. Oddly, I’m not really sad to be alone this year. I’ll probably go somewhere for dinner (cause I love holiday cookings!!!!) but I’m not the only one out there who isn’t with the ones they cherish. It’s just the way life designed it. And the universe has it’s own way of designing things in perfection.

I may spend Christmas more like thanksgiving: being grateful for all the stuff, loving on my poor, sickly animal who teaches me daily that when the body gives up the spirit does not, and remembering how so, so very blessed I am.