“When the power of love overcomes of the love of power, the world will know peace.” –Jimi Hendrix

I saw a picture with that quote on it and it really struck me.  Well, being a control freak (in recovery) and all.  I see being a control freak as just an attempt at power.  When you have some power, you have some control.  I’ve come a long way.  I’ve learned that most times I tried to control something or someone it was because my own sense of self-empowerment was missing.  The day I accepted that I am in control of one person–just one person’s feelings, actions, words, and life–was a world-changer.  Too much time before that was spent looking for results completely beyond the power of my own little self. 

And you have to dig deep and really get to know yourself well.  That happened to me unwillingly… and it was exactly the place I needed to go.  I withdrew.  Then I went to new places.  Then I made new friends.  I read a lot of books.  I made a lot of changes to my habits and my thoughts.  I spent my time analyzing and trying to understand myself as opposed to focusing so much on others. And I cried about a million tears along the way.  If you’ve never gone on a very uncomfortable soul search, I recommend it. (Because you can see how much it resembles a Disney Cruise, right?)  Only when you’re able to know without a doubt you are a complete person and you are enough can you ever experience the power of love.  I came to that conclusion after realizing so much of me was involved in the love of other people.  The story I had told myself about my life involves others—sure, doesn’t everyones?—but I had laid truths about ME inside their hands.  And I made peace with each story and decided to write a new one.  No one gets out of childhood or teens without some pretty deep emotional scars.  I was absolutely no different.  Now add drugs, sex, divorce, and other adult problems and you got the ingredients for a big ole pot (like the size you make gumbo in) of crazy if you wanna make a batch.  But over time I came to realize a lot of what I thought was about me was not.  And I took ownership for my behavior.  And then, I laid that shit to rest.  You see, it’s all very simple:  we did the best we could with what we had.  The end.  No, really, the END.  You stop there and accept it.  And move on. 

This Hendrix quote ties in with my blog from last night well.  According to the spiritual theory that every thing we do comes from either love or fear, I deduce that an attempt to control something/someone beyond me is an act of fear.  I am thinking of two very great examples in my life presently ongoing!  That need to know and prepare is hardwired.  And I think the old me would have jumped to, “Apryl, you suck!” when I realized that today.  Instead, when it crossed my mind I literally laughed out loud.  Cause it’s funny that our programming sticks with us so unconsciously.  So, I’m making a new choice.  I’m fighting fear with love.  Ironically, when you aren’t so busy letting every imaginable outcome or ending to a situation cross you’re mind, you find “endless possibility” as the one that stands out the most.  Hope rises when you give it half a damn chance.  But that instinctive need people like me are born with to have some power is a fierce fighter.  You can beat that bitch’s ass if you really train.  I even did it without medication today.  High five.