Sometimes I crave assurance that is not there. Life didn’t come with a manual and it’s all very unpredictable. People, their hearts and minds, all change. Time has a way of transforming everything and everybody. And that’s where we become divided. Some people subscribe that things go downhill. Or that all change comes with loss. While I understand sometimes, I subscribe to the second theory. And that would be that all these changes and time create beautiful gifts and lessons that make life more abundant and for that I am grateful.

That doesn’t make me any less anxious about what’s coming next. I came from my mother with a distinct need to know attitude. It’s something the universe has been telling me to relinquish my whole life. Some days that anxiety grips me and we wrestle like it was taking the last box of Cheezits. Some days we wrestle like it was taking the last box of Cheezits and the very last beer on earth! Today was a Cheezits and beer day. But after long, drawn out thoughts and analyzing it all I reach the same conclusion I have come to time and time again: It’s all gonna be ok and even if it’s not ok, it’s STILL ok.

Anyone who has anxiety knows how old it gets. And anyone who loves someone with anxiety is probably used to the frustration. Also, humans in general can understand and possibly relate. We want to know what tomorrow holds. What does it all mean?! alas, we aren’t guaranteed our next breath and we sure as hell can’t predict the future. And really, if you take a hundred deep breaths (and steal that beer back!), do you really want to want to know? If you had a crystal ball, would you look? I wouldn’t but I have a fiercely independent spirit. For me, the details that unfold are the beauty of the ride. I don’t want to see how the book ends. I, an avid reader, have not once ever skipped to the end to read how the conflict resolves itself. Or to see if the girl gets the guy. Or if the bad guys live or die.

So as much as I get into the grip of incessant worry and thinking, in the end I want the universe to unfold with my assistance but with my ignorance as well. There’s never ending possibility that way. And hope. And when the universe taps me hard enough to point me in the right direction, anxiety becomes hope and–eventually–hope turns to faith. Once I have faith in a situation, I can rest easy. It’s a battle I fight continually on every level but I never give up. I’ve got 34 (now that 35 is knocking look how proudly I say it) years under my belt of experiences and life that beat my expectations. And all that awesomeness gave me the courage to battle even my anxiety at its worst day. All the plans I had were smashed to pieces and instead the creation of a good life with good friends and good times were placed in my path. For that, I shall never be so anxious that I forget to be grateful. And people did go. They did change. And some of that ended up being the best surprises I had ever freaking had. Now pass the Cheezits and beer asshole.