Sometimes, not very often, a see a picture of myself or, like just now, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And instead of thinking something negative the thought that crosses is my mind is,
“That lady is on a wild adventure. She’s quirky, definitely nerdy, but she smiles a lot and her laugh is loud and heartfelt. She likes jokes, writing, animals and children. She’s amazing. And I get to decide her future.” For a brief moment the world is still, calm, and peaceful. And I’m perfectly content with spending a holiday alone in my pjs doing things that relax me (which includes football; although the first half of that game was intense).

Yesterday I was grateful for the toilet flushing. Not that it ever hasn’t, I just realized I take for granted the small things and that’s one that definitely deserved the “blessing” label. The refrigerator light coming on when I sneak a midnight piece of pie is another. The car starting, the washer running, the faucet proving water, and a bunch of bubble bath. All so simple…until they aren’t there or don’t function.

So I guess although I didn’t think of myself in a “thanksgiving” mood, it would appear that I actually have been. For weeks. I don’t take this life for granted. Every hour I’m alive is a gift. To whomever is running this joint, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

“When the power of love overcomes of the love of power, the world will know peace.” –Jimi Hendrix

I saw a picture with that quote on it and it really struck me.  Well, being a control freak (in recovery) and all.  I see being a control freak as just an attempt at power.  When you have some power, you have some control.  I’ve come a long way.  I’ve learned that most times I tried to control something or someone it was because my own sense of self-empowerment was missing.  The day I accepted that I am in control of one person–just one person’s feelings, actions, words, and life–was a world-changer.  Too much time before that was spent looking for results completely beyond the power of my own little self. 

And you have to dig deep and really get to know yourself well.  That happened to me unwillingly… and it was exactly the place I needed to go.  I withdrew.  Then I went to new places.  Then I made new friends.  I read a lot of books.  I made a lot of changes to my habits and my thoughts.  I spent my time analyzing and trying to understand myself as opposed to focusing so much on others. And I cried about a million tears along the way.  If you’ve never gone on a very uncomfortable soul search, I recommend it. (Because you can see how much it resembles a Disney Cruise, right?)  Only when you’re able to know without a doubt you are a complete person and you are enough can you ever experience the power of love.  I came to that conclusion after realizing so much of me was involved in the love of other people.  The story I had told myself about my life involves others—sure, doesn’t everyones?—but I had laid truths about ME inside their hands.  And I made peace with each story and decided to write a new one.  No one gets out of childhood or teens without some pretty deep emotional scars.  I was absolutely no different.  Now add drugs, sex, divorce, and other adult problems and you got the ingredients for a big ole pot (like the size you make gumbo in) of crazy if you wanna make a batch.  But over time I came to realize a lot of what I thought was about me was not.  And I took ownership for my behavior.  And then, I laid that shit to rest.  You see, it’s all very simple:  we did the best we could with what we had.  The end.  No, really, the END.  You stop there and accept it.  And move on. 

This Hendrix quote ties in with my blog from last night well.  According to the spiritual theory that every thing we do comes from either love or fear, I deduce that an attempt to control something/someone beyond me is an act of fear.  I am thinking of two very great examples in my life presently ongoing!  That need to know and prepare is hardwired.  And I think the old me would have jumped to, “Apryl, you suck!” when I realized that today.  Instead, when it crossed my mind I literally laughed out loud.  Cause it’s funny that our programming sticks with us so unconsciously.  So, I’m making a new choice.  I’m fighting fear with love.  Ironically, when you aren’t so busy letting every imaginable outcome or ending to a situation cross you’re mind, you find “endless possibility” as the one that stands out the most.  Hope rises when you give it half a damn chance.  But that instinctive need people like me are born with to have some power is a fierce fighter.  You can beat that bitch’s ass if you really train.  I even did it without medication today.  High five. 

There is a theory that every action is either based out of fear or love. The days I put my head on my pillow and see more fear than love in the day, all I can do is sigh. And try again tomorrow. But that’s not much consolation; tomorrow is never guaranteed. Maybe it’s moments like this I need to remind myself I am merely human. I will make mistakes each and every day until I take my last breath. Hopefully in the end I have made the majority of decisions on love. What I can tell you is while I was blasting my iTunes playlist in the car in the cold rain tonight, I can at least say the majority of the decisions overall in this life I have made out of love and not fear. And those decisions always set well with my soul. They led to awesome adventures, friendships, moments of ordinary goodness, and simple but the most fulfilling smiles and laughter of my existence. So instead of beating myself about what I could have done differently, I make a new choice. I will try to be more conscious, less selfish, and retain hope. Everyone and everything is a lesson that can be learned. Today was the reminder I needed. And for that, I am grateful. Brief, but honest.

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I’ve documented the health issues I struggle with and I guess I should update the three devout readers I have. First off, MY HAIR IS NOT FALLING OUT AS MUCH. That may sound like nothing that deserves some all caps, but it is. I could write a very long essay on women’s attachment to their hair. You start losing it at a very noticeable rate and you’ll understand how much we take it for granted. The body pain is also lessened. I still take some Bayer everyday because my lifestyle (read: job) doesn’t accommodate movement but thank the divine the days of sitting in agony have departed. It’s still a little mentally challenging to sit there 😉

My next goal is to become physically stronger. A gym is in my future. I could have gone out and immediately joined at the first inclination but I have learned to sit back and let these type decisions simmer. This requires commitment and time that I truly do not want to give. But I do have it now to give. And it’s what my body is telling me it needs. So, expect a membership soon. I am actually thinking of e-fitness in Biloxi. I hear they have swimming pools and movie stars. Sans movie stars, the Beverly Hillbillies was in my head. It’s a massive place and it’s pricier than the good ole planet fitness. I have been waiting to see if I can afford it.

Speaking of affordability, I have reached some small goals in the Wonderland of my finances. It’s little head ways but it’s very, very rewarding to PAY OFF DEBT. Maybe this time next year my only bills will be house and car! It’s possible and it means a lot of tiny luxuries (Victorias Secret!!!) will be nixed but hey, I think the result is worth it.

I gotta get out of bed. Happy Thanksgiving.

I need a course in relaxation. Seriously. This weekend consisted of cleaning, laundry, crafting, writing a tiny bit, reading a tiny bit, and watching a couple movies. Now, this sounds perfectly normal doesn’t it? But I have for sooo long always had obligations or deadlines or commitments that I had forgotten how much time there really is when a person has none of those to contend with. It doesn’t suit me well. Yet. I need to let go of my anxiety over not doing anything and get used to it. Minus the overeating. That part sucks.

I wonder when I became addicted to “doing” so much? Was it theatre? I know when I finally pulled the plug on doing anything (can it really have been less than a year ago?!) I went into the same kind of detox. My mind gets used to tallying and itemizing for whatever cause. Then my health took unexpected turns and here I am, doing what I am supposed to do–nothing. But I do it so badly! I’m an awful relaxer. I keep re-thinking things that need to be left alone. And that is a challenge. But now that I put it out there, I feel better. I am at a point in my life where I can sit back and relax. I’m lucky. These have a tendency not to last. And maybe that’s the problem. I always have a plan of what to jump into next and now, there’s nothing on my agenda. No play, no deadline, no dinner parties, no holiday feasts to prepare, no undertakings.

I understand people need goals and objectives but I think I have overdone it the last few years and it’s time for a break. Again, minus all the food! I vegged. It was wonderful. But tomorrow morning I’ll have regret all the anxiety over doing nothing and wish I had soaked in it as the phone rings, people interrupt me nonstop, and problems surface. I think the lesson today that life is trying to shout is to enjoy the moments. Enjoy the busy times and sit back and enjoy the nothing times. Be at peace with nothingness.

I’m one of those people who believes everything is a lesson God must have us learn. It’s REAL hard to see the reasons during the middle of a heartbreak, crisis, death, or otherwise uncomfortable time. But upon looking back, I can name a thousand things I needed and gained after such incidents that I otherwise would not have today as part of who I am. I have learned to be grateful and even joyous about things that could have broken my spirit but did not.

My friend died when we were 17. It took until I was 30ish to be able to finally say I was glad it wasn’t me. That’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever learned but really it did take that long. Depression did not help that at all. Majority of the days in between I could tell you how much more good Kim would have done on earth than me. Now I realize we were all put on our individual paths for all different kinds of reasons.

Everybody who knows this white girl knows almost all things Oprah I embrace. The show with Iyanla Vanzant on OWN is my favorite. Right now I’m pausing to cry as I hear Iyanla speak of burying her daughter. I suddenly thought what if I have not been given children because I would have had a tragedy occur? What if in its divine knowledge the universe has spared me some horrible events and where I see a lack of love and family, instead I am garnering the strength I may need to be a great partner and mother and example for my kids? What if I never have them because I do not have the lessons under my belt to deal with something? It’s quite possible and I’m quite ok with that.

A glass of sleepytime tea and a cold or something coming on.  I think that’s what I got right here.  I tried to sleeping but that plan was epic failure. And I took two Xanax. So the only things I got left are listening to music and blogging.  And a box of Puffs tissue (the ultra soft kind, don’t hate).  I’m gonna start this blog based off a list I created a few days ago when in deep concentration and we’ll just see where it goes.  The list I made contained reasons I have not found (and retained) a spouse. 

1. I didn’t know myself for a long time.  Spouse#1 & I met and fell in love when I was 19.  It’s easy to look back and see that every day I’ve been on the planet, I’ve been the best me possible.  I just had a lot of problems expressing it and coming to terms with the fact other people might not be as receptive to that.  Especially if they aren’t comfortable with who they themselves are—the good, bad, & imperfect.  I believe that once you fully understand yourself—and can give others the freedom to do same—then you’re ready for love.  I put myself in some relationships that finally boiled down to the other person and said “I’ll never get used to tolerate you because you are not content with or even acknowledging the crazy bad decisions you make. Peace along that journey.”  And it was not easy, but it was the best decisions I’ve ever made.  So my experience is, know what you can tolerate and cannot.  I need space for my stuff, time to write alone uninterrupted (unless you’re Chloe), and coffee.  And that’s just before noon.  I’m optimistic.  I put myself in places and around people that I think are going to entertain or enlighten me.  And then I also have to go to work to a very stressful job.  These are the facts.  Don’t try to change me.  I have flaws and I work on them.  Help me, don’t hate me for it. But the bottom line is that until I had all that knowledge under my belt, I wasn’t ready for someone else until the person in the mirror excited me and was all I needed to have a great day.  Then, suddenly, the rest of the world magically appeared ready and receptive to the peace I summoned.  I knew what made me happy and saw my negative reactions that needed mending to be happy.  It prepared me for a spot where I can share that.

2/3. I thought my life was incomplete or that I was just missing something everyone else had(2) and I didn’t understand the difference between a want and a need(3).  A little research—and listening to my friends talk about their marriages or relationships—quelled my fears.  And then after a while of this—and accumulating my own fearless independent adventures and fun—I realized people enhance, not complete.  Be it lover, friend, partner (or all the above if you get really lucky) never “completed” a single life.  But they can add something to it if you’re ready to listen and go outside your comfort zone.  You can’t go out a zone you aren’t in so re-read #1 if needed.  Life can be a lonely abyss and this I also know firsthand from depression battles since I was 17.  But you have to fight the battle within before you ever see the good outside yourself.  And once you discover the difference between NEEDING someone and WANTING them, things get really calm.  Appreciation of the someone else’s gifts is an act of gratitude and not desperation.  Being thankful is like saying a prayer; gratitude is living the answered prayer.  Expectation vs acceptance is the key difference and makes a huge leap when you want to connect with someone. 

4. This one is a little hard to admit.  Fact is though in hindsight, I played the victim and blamed someone else for the problems.  Well, truth is I was there and regardless of their shitty decisions I made choices too.  Not all of them for my own good.  Took me a long time and a lot of tears and shredded some relationships.  In fairness, items 1-3 clouded my judgment on this.  I didn’t realize my own power or strength.  I didn’t draw boundaries of how much of me people get to consume. Now I know I can control my destiny and again, it makes the choices a lot easier when I take responsibility.  If there’s no one to blame, there’s no reason to sit in misery.  I had things to discover about me and a lot of time was wasted not seeing that.

There’s more items on the list but I think that Xanax kicked in and I’m going to stop here.  My hope is that people will take the time to wonder how they can change directions if they aren’t happy and embrace their dreams and control the destiny.  Having said that, life is a joyous adventure full of mystery that never stops.  So embrace you—take time to review why you said or did something—and right yourself back up without remorse.  Above all, don’t get hopeless when the feelings of what you did wrong (like all the above in my example) is finally shown to you.  In fact, be SO freaking happy you have the knowledge.  It took me years of small insights before I could sit down and look at it objectively.  I can promise every day afterwards is a more peaceful way of life.  Even on my bad days that spring up, I can ALWAYS think of a time I was worse off.  Now I’m so happy that even my 35th birthday isn’t quite as haunting.  It’s still there, might as well have a party right?

Sometimes I crave assurance that is not there. Life didn’t come with a manual and it’s all very unpredictable. People, their hearts and minds, all change. Time has a way of transforming everything and everybody. And that’s where we become divided. Some people subscribe that things go downhill. Or that all change comes with loss. While I understand sometimes, I subscribe to the second theory. And that would be that all these changes and time create beautiful gifts and lessons that make life more abundant and for that I am grateful.

That doesn’t make me any less anxious about what’s coming next. I came from my mother with a distinct need to know attitude. It’s something the universe has been telling me to relinquish my whole life. Some days that anxiety grips me and we wrestle like it was taking the last box of Cheezits. Some days we wrestle like it was taking the last box of Cheezits and the very last beer on earth! Today was a Cheezits and beer day. But after long, drawn out thoughts and analyzing it all I reach the same conclusion I have come to time and time again: It’s all gonna be ok and even if it’s not ok, it’s STILL ok.

Anyone who has anxiety knows how old it gets. And anyone who loves someone with anxiety is probably used to the frustration. Also, humans in general can understand and possibly relate. We want to know what tomorrow holds. What does it all mean?! alas, we aren’t guaranteed our next breath and we sure as hell can’t predict the future. And really, if you take a hundred deep breaths (and steal that beer back!), do you really want to want to know? If you had a crystal ball, would you look? I wouldn’t but I have a fiercely independent spirit. For me, the details that unfold are the beauty of the ride. I don’t want to see how the book ends. I, an avid reader, have not once ever skipped to the end to read how the conflict resolves itself. Or to see if the girl gets the guy. Or if the bad guys live or die.

So as much as I get into the grip of incessant worry and thinking, in the end I want the universe to unfold with my assistance but with my ignorance as well. There’s never ending possibility that way. And hope. And when the universe taps me hard enough to point me in the right direction, anxiety becomes hope and–eventually–hope turns to faith. Once I have faith in a situation, I can rest easy. It’s a battle I fight continually on every level but I never give up. I’ve got 34 (now that 35 is knocking look how proudly I say it) years under my belt of experiences and life that beat my expectations. And all that awesomeness gave me the courage to battle even my anxiety at its worst day. All the plans I had were smashed to pieces and instead the creation of a good life with good friends and good times were placed in my path. For that, I shall never be so anxious that I forget to be grateful. And people did go. They did change. And some of that ended up being the best surprises I had ever freaking had. Now pass the Cheezits and beer asshole.

I was a sleepyhead last night. I was in bed by 9…& here it is 4am and I’m awake. Wasn’t feeling 100% yesterday and my roommate has an upper respiratory infection. Don’t have time to be sick. Too much living and working to do. I love those Emgeren-C vitamin packs so I’ll continue to take those I guess. My, I wake up very rambly at 4…

I have already had an AHA moment today, which is impressive. I get a couple of daily inspirational emails so when I realized it’s a bit early to wake people up with my crafting, I opened my emails to read those. There was one today that struck me. See, my anxiety has been higher than normal (& my normal is pretty high anyway) and I thought it was because of “the endings” I wanted to see in my head. What I realized today is not that I am attaching to an ending as much as thinking how happy I’ll be when situations are wrapped up tidily and I can have certainty. Which is ridiculous. But that’s how anxiety tends to work–while you may have rational problems anxiety and stress compound them by making your body and mind dysfunction.

Basically attaching an ending of any kind to your happiness is failure. At least for me. Because ultimately the universe and people in it are going to do whatever they damn well please. You get to choose how much they affect your spirit and joy. I have been so caught up in my own emotions that I forget how inconsequential all of them truly are. Funny how everyone is doing their thankful monthly post and I was sort of rolling my eyes. Normally I participate every year. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday!!! One year I planned my list in advance and tagged a friend each day. Why was I rolling my eyes this year? Because I have lacked the spirit of gratitude and each post was a reminder of such lack. It had zero to do with the practice of others. Maybe today I will play catch up. Mine won’t be the same as years prior. And while my body is still tense and tired I think my mind is finally on the anxiety mend. I’ll include the quote today in case anyone needs reminding.

I have such little tolerance for remaining patient. I am not blessed with the patience some people exude. I don’t why that is. Perhaps I was given a generally restless soul when they were being handed out. Who knows. I am aware of my restless spirit and curious ways. I think my awareness makes it a lot easier to deal with. But it offers challenges.

I quit asking the divine forces behind our beautiful universe “Why” a long time ago. When I stopped asking and started accepting, it became easier. I still feel the compulsive nature inside me to but I don’t squander time away with questions. Worry, however, is a completely different beast. Like these days, I have few worries. There’s water damage being assessed but I have insurance and a mild deductible I can hopefully pay. It makes my heart race. Dog sick and dying, but I she’s not in much pain and she’s not ready to go. And the list rattles on. But more importantly, I have problems with solutions. Nothing is so big it can’t be handled. My health is fairly better and I have to wait for more tests. I guess the thing that surfaces here is that I’m waiting. And I’m not real good at that. I think that’s why I like making little crafts. It takes me away mentally from my worrying. And writing. Same there.

I need to work on my patience during this time. I kinda see that as being the test given to me right now. Other tests have come and still linger, but the patience thing is a doozy. I’m getting a gym membership and maybe I should start meditating too. Focus this energy somewhere until the answers come. And on that note, the sun has officially risen. Let the blessings rain down today.