I recall reading a book a long while ago called “Skipping Christmas.’”  That’s pretty much what I’m doing with Halloween this year.  If I get to leave work at 5pm, Amy brought home enough candy to sit on the porch and be entertained by the kiddos for a little while before dark and that’s the extent of what I’m doing for Halloween.  All my costumes and accessories are in storage and even if they were here, I’m not sure I’d feel up to it.  Work is a beast the last day of any month, today will be no different.  I’m soaking up what will likely be the only quiet moments of my day until 9 or 10pm and waiting for the beautiful sunrise.  Please, sun, take your time. 

The words from my last blog still echo in my brain.  Now that I see how attached I get to stories I make up in my head, it’s a little stressful.  Someone once commented that I use “you” too much and not “me” on this blog.  While critics are welcome, I think that person doesn’t get me at all.  For one thing, I don’t believe anyone is on the journey alone.  We all have people placed in our path, sometimes with a timing so divine it makes no sense.  I completely get that my thoughts & feelings are just mine and I’m not pushing my ideas down anyone’s throat.  I assure you that if I thought I knew it all and had every answer, I’d be doing more than passing time and trying to figure my life out with a blog over coffee.  Read at your leisure and if you take something from it, more power to us.  Maybe you can enlighten me! I believe everyone has a unique set of gifts and thoughts that they bring to the planet.  I’m a wordy little thinker with a huge heart and a strong sense of self. 

I also get sidetracked easily.  The point of this whole blog was supposed to be letting go of attachments and the ghosts that haunt us (spiritually…call Ghostbusters if you got the real thing).  Since my last blog I have stopped myself from creating vast tales of what could/should be in my head A LOT.  Now, in my defense, I’m a writer and everything comes to me like “Oh this would make a wonderful plot! And then this could happen and that would go like this” and before you know it, I have a bestseller in my head.  What I’ve decided is that I think it’s time to get to work on some of those books and actually write a couple.  I want to be a self-help guru—meaning I aim to help myself.  Writing is how I do that.  Other people do other things.  So don’t take my “you”s so seriously.  More often than not, it’s aimed inward.  If it invokes some mysterious feeling you relate to, then great.  If not, that’s cool and you have a window into a tiny portion of my brain (edited and backspaced appropriately). 

I fell asleep last night focused on the word surrender.  Right now I’m trying to find a balance between faith, hope, and surrender.  Believe it or not, that’s really nerve-racking.  Once I identify a problem with myself that I think holds me back, I focus on it until I figure it out.  Some of that takes years.  That’s not something I’m proud of, but the fact I see potential strongholds in my mind and try to release them is a step in the right direction.  For example, I always think I need to be making something happen.  Goal-oriented, a mover & a shaker, ambitious, dreamy… all words you could use to describe me.  Last night I focused on just letting everything just be as it is.  Whatever shall be, will be anyway.  Learned that a long time ago.  But every now and again my mind goes into overdrive and I start overthinking.  Every now and again being everyday, of course.

What I decided is that faith, hope, surrender, and my ability to change the world in some small ways are all intertwined.  And, for me, picking which one I give power at any moment about every small thing, is critical.  And, furthermore, I’m sure I’ll keep screwing that up time and time again.  But, if I make the right choice just a time or two, surely it would pay off in a big way.  The last thought I remember having before I fell asleep was “what’s causing this reaction?  where is it all coming from?”  And as I slowly shut down I remember thinking of pains and aches in my soul that I ignore.  But there they were.  Maybe I should have shot up in bed and blogged then but instead I was like “Oh yeah, that old ghost again.”  And then I fell asleep.  I know why I react the way I do sometimes and today, I make a difference choice.  Happy Halloween!