I used to buy things and now I search for experiences. When that thought crossed my mind just now, I knew I had reached adulthood. I’ve often blogged about my retail therapy that proved unsuccessful: I saw something, I simply must have it. I mean, think how stunning and happy it will make me! So I would buy it. And the joy would quickly erode. But not to worry, there was expendable income, advertisers, and a need to please to carry me into the next store for the next purchase. A mound of debt later, I can look back and tell you the happiness I sought and tried to fill with things was something inside me. And you can’t purchase on credit cards enough stuff to fix that.

God bless the day I acknowledged that desire inside me. It wasn’t healed just by saying, “Ok I’m searching for fulfillment and authenticity and worthiness outside that can only come from inside.” No, if anything, that acknowledgement itself led to a purchase or two while I really digested this truth. We live and love in a society driven by dollars and created to make us think we’re missing something. I believe it’s a pack of lies. That’s probably why when people ask if I’ve seen a commercial the answer is usually no. I skip them (thank you 21st century)…unless it’s a football game. Oddly those commercials are driven to propel men into buying something not women so that’s an easy dodge.

The cold, hard truth–which I wanted to avoid–is that you have the power to make yourself happy in any circumstance. The great unraveling of yourself is knowing that the power of your destiny lies in your hands. It’s a big step forward and sometimes I have to remember not to judge others who haven’t made it yet. And not to judge myself when I relapse into a powerless state of mind. The ultimate secret is to embrace your feelings and get even deeper below them to the root of your soul. WHY did it make you mad? What about your experience here on earth makes you feel unloved, not recognized, or unworthy of love? And most powerfully, I absolutely had to learn that the story I told myself inside my head about things was not the truth. Still, today, I have to take time to evaluate the thoughts that spin and weave sordid tales inside my mind and step out of them long enough to pick out what’s useful and what is not. I had to find why I told myself some things, how my perfectionism and other lies had served me and then fight to let it go.

The wonderful thing about life is that once you know a truth, the universe conspires to help you fight your demons so that you can live in that truth. The tests of life have insured that I know the lesson well and am ready to level up on my journey. Maybe I need a lot of personal space because I can actually stand to be alone with myself as I age. I have learned to nurture the parts of me that need to be given attention and meet my own soulful needs. When you do that, so little is left that the dollar bill can buy.

And over the last few years, experiences are so much more important than appearances. Vacations mean so much to me now!!! Seeing the sun set and stars shine over the Grand Canyon was a moment close to divine. Being on the streets of New York with its smells, tastes, and sounds was also a heavenly experience. Both times, I was just standing there. Alone. Why was this powerful? Because it reminded me this was alllllll created just for me. And that I am part of the experience here. In other words, I matter. Not any more so than other people, but I acknowledged the gift of my life. It’s a responsibility to honor it. I can be skinny, tan, blonde, and rich with earthly goods; and, while that meets the criteria of the United States for beauty, if I do not keep the inside prettiest of all, it’s absolutely worthless on the journey. I’d rather have a dinner with my mate, watch my dog lay around, write nonstop, read books, go see the beauty of the globe, learn a new hobby, or–best of all–inspire or help someone. My credit card only helps a little bit with that, yet I remain thankful for everything and everyone. Especially anyone who read to the end of my rambling lol!