I recall reading a book a long while ago called “Skipping Christmas.’”  That’s pretty much what I’m doing with Halloween this year.  If I get to leave work at 5pm, Amy brought home enough candy to sit on the porch and be entertained by the kiddos for a little while before dark and that’s the extent of what I’m doing for Halloween.  All my costumes and accessories are in storage and even if they were here, I’m not sure I’d feel up to it.  Work is a beast the last day of any month, today will be no different.  I’m soaking up what will likely be the only quiet moments of my day until 9 or 10pm and waiting for the beautiful sunrise.  Please, sun, take your time. 

The words from my last blog still echo in my brain.  Now that I see how attached I get to stories I make up in my head, it’s a little stressful.  Someone once commented that I use “you” too much and not “me” on this blog.  While critics are welcome, I think that person doesn’t get me at all.  For one thing, I don’t believe anyone is on the journey alone.  We all have people placed in our path, sometimes with a timing so divine it makes no sense.  I completely get that my thoughts & feelings are just mine and I’m not pushing my ideas down anyone’s throat.  I assure you that if I thought I knew it all and had every answer, I’d be doing more than passing time and trying to figure my life out with a blog over coffee.  Read at your leisure and if you take something from it, more power to us.  Maybe you can enlighten me! I believe everyone has a unique set of gifts and thoughts that they bring to the planet.  I’m a wordy little thinker with a huge heart and a strong sense of self. 

I also get sidetracked easily.  The point of this whole blog was supposed to be letting go of attachments and the ghosts that haunt us (spiritually…call Ghostbusters if you got the real thing).  Since my last blog I have stopped myself from creating vast tales of what could/should be in my head A LOT.  Now, in my defense, I’m a writer and everything comes to me like “Oh this would make a wonderful plot! And then this could happen and that would go like this” and before you know it, I have a bestseller in my head.  What I’ve decided is that I think it’s time to get to work on some of those books and actually write a couple.  I want to be a self-help guru—meaning I aim to help myself.  Writing is how I do that.  Other people do other things.  So don’t take my “you”s so seriously.  More often than not, it’s aimed inward.  If it invokes some mysterious feeling you relate to, then great.  If not, that’s cool and you have a window into a tiny portion of my brain (edited and backspaced appropriately). 

I fell asleep last night focused on the word surrender.  Right now I’m trying to find a balance between faith, hope, and surrender.  Believe it or not, that’s really nerve-racking.  Once I identify a problem with myself that I think holds me back, I focus on it until I figure it out.  Some of that takes years.  That’s not something I’m proud of, but the fact I see potential strongholds in my mind and try to release them is a step in the right direction.  For example, I always think I need to be making something happen.  Goal-oriented, a mover & a shaker, ambitious, dreamy… all words you could use to describe me.  Last night I focused on just letting everything just be as it is.  Whatever shall be, will be anyway.  Learned that a long time ago.  But every now and again my mind goes into overdrive and I start overthinking.  Every now and again being everyday, of course.

What I decided is that faith, hope, surrender, and my ability to change the world in some small ways are all intertwined.  And, for me, picking which one I give power at any moment about every small thing, is critical.  And, furthermore, I’m sure I’ll keep screwing that up time and time again.  But, if I make the right choice just a time or two, surely it would pay off in a big way.  The last thought I remember having before I fell asleep was “what’s causing this reaction?  where is it all coming from?”  And as I slowly shut down I remember thinking of pains and aches in my soul that I ignore.  But there they were.  Maybe I should have shot up in bed and blogged then but instead I was like “Oh yeah, that old ghost again.”  And then I fell asleep.  I know why I react the way I do sometimes and today, I make a difference choice.  Happy Halloween!

The last 24 hours I’ve been pondering the mysteries of the universe quite heavily. (Shocking, I know.) I’ve identified one of my setbacks is the attachment to how things should be in my mind.  And, furthermore, I’ve reached the conclusion that one never really has true faith until you let the way you hope it turns out free and instead decide that there is far more than you’re brain can comprehend unfolding and you have to just let it all be.  Whatever ending you’re predicting or hoping for is quite unlikely to occur.  Not to say you can’t have goals and such, because come on I’m far too results-oriented to go that far, but I think you need to draw a line.  And, perhaps, my line is moved quite a distance farther than it was.

This has been quite conflicting since so many gurus say you have to develop a picture in your mind of what you want and be so clear that nothing can stray you from your course.  Today I wonder if what if the picture in my mind was simply “happy.”  If so, then I’d be at 100%!  I don’t think a day can go by on Earth where us humans don’t encounter some form of unpleasantry, dysfunction, or irrationality.  Or shit, sometimes you just get a flat tire for no reason.  So first thing is noting life has its moments and your days will come with surprises.  A lot of which aren’t jolly.  But the main thing I’ve discovered is that it really doesn’t have to make you unhappy.  And by placing perfection in the same category as happy, I see a ton of friends, family, and strangers suffering so much more than they need be. 

I could give you a laundry list of items that could get in the way of my happiness.  And, if we wanted, we could sit together and review your own list of things that suck, hurt, disappointed, and fell apart at the seams.  And maybe we’d feel better.  Or maybe we could have spent the time doing something productive instead.  Crafters? Drinkers? Writers? Music lovers? Anyone?  We can find something to do that would bring joy instead of using that time and energy discussing what doesn’t do us any good.  Not that isn’t healthy and useful to vent.  I just think before you vent consider the real challenge and focus on what truly matters.  Most of all, remember all the times if things hadn’t gone wrong you might have missed a gift that you didn’t know you even wanted!  The universe works like a supermarket in my head.  But one that has a contest going all the time.  You didn’t want to run out of milk and have to stop in, but after twenty minutes in line and $4 later they announce you’re the 4 millionth customer and you win $1000 gift card.  (I don’t know how my brain operates, just go with it)  I think everything in general is kinda like that.  You envision going home and cooking without burning the house down only to find out there’s no milk but you win!  Sometimes you run into friends while you’re in line and say hello.  Maybe your smile or something you say makes their day better.  I dunno; the possibilities are endless. 

So I’ve been practicing the last 48 hours when I catch myself formulating some story of in my head of how life should be or “wouldn’t it be awesome if…” I will instead elect to breath deeply and say instead “the universe will work it out exactly how it’s supposed to.”  There’s usually a need to repeat that more than once for my brain to comprehend and actually stop the thought train.  Luckily I’m A.D.D. and Amy’s playing with glitter so a definite stop in thinking is always in my immediate future. 

I used to buy things and now I search for experiences. When that thought crossed my mind just now, I knew I had reached adulthood. I’ve often blogged about my retail therapy that proved unsuccessful: I saw something, I simply must have it. I mean, think how stunning and happy it will make me! So I would buy it. And the joy would quickly erode. But not to worry, there was expendable income, advertisers, and a need to please to carry me into the next store for the next purchase. A mound of debt later, I can look back and tell you the happiness I sought and tried to fill with things was something inside me. And you can’t purchase on credit cards enough stuff to fix that.

God bless the day I acknowledged that desire inside me. It wasn’t healed just by saying, “Ok I’m searching for fulfillment and authenticity and worthiness outside that can only come from inside.” No, if anything, that acknowledgement itself led to a purchase or two while I really digested this truth. We live and love in a society driven by dollars and created to make us think we’re missing something. I believe it’s a pack of lies. That’s probably why when people ask if I’ve seen a commercial the answer is usually no. I skip them (thank you 21st century)…unless it’s a football game. Oddly those commercials are driven to propel men into buying something not women so that’s an easy dodge.

The cold, hard truth–which I wanted to avoid–is that you have the power to make yourself happy in any circumstance. The great unraveling of yourself is knowing that the power of your destiny lies in your hands. It’s a big step forward and sometimes I have to remember not to judge others who haven’t made it yet. And not to judge myself when I relapse into a powerless state of mind. The ultimate secret is to embrace your feelings and get even deeper below them to the root of your soul. WHY did it make you mad? What about your experience here on earth makes you feel unloved, not recognized, or unworthy of love? And most powerfully, I absolutely had to learn that the story I told myself inside my head about things was not the truth. Still, today, I have to take time to evaluate the thoughts that spin and weave sordid tales inside my mind and step out of them long enough to pick out what’s useful and what is not. I had to find why I told myself some things, how my perfectionism and other lies had served me and then fight to let it go.

The wonderful thing about life is that once you know a truth, the universe conspires to help you fight your demons so that you can live in that truth. The tests of life have insured that I know the lesson well and am ready to level up on my journey. Maybe I need a lot of personal space because I can actually stand to be alone with myself as I age. I have learned to nurture the parts of me that need to be given attention and meet my own soulful needs. When you do that, so little is left that the dollar bill can buy.

And over the last few years, experiences are so much more important than appearances. Vacations mean so much to me now!!! Seeing the sun set and stars shine over the Grand Canyon was a moment close to divine. Being on the streets of New York with its smells, tastes, and sounds was also a heavenly experience. Both times, I was just standing there. Alone. Why was this powerful? Because it reminded me this was alllllll created just for me. And that I am part of the experience here. In other words, I matter. Not any more so than other people, but I acknowledged the gift of my life. It’s a responsibility to honor it. I can be skinny, tan, blonde, and rich with earthly goods; and, while that meets the criteria of the United States for beauty, if I do not keep the inside prettiest of all, it’s absolutely worthless on the journey. I’d rather have a dinner with my mate, watch my dog lay around, write nonstop, read books, go see the beauty of the globe, learn a new hobby, or–best of all–inspire or help someone. My credit card only helps a little bit with that, yet I remain thankful for everything and everyone. Especially anyone who read to the end of my rambling lol!

I am finally starting to feel like the old me again. The irritability and body aches are far decreased and my spirits are raised. It’s not been an easy few weeks but what doesn’t kill you, right? From now on when I think things are bleak I have experiences to teach me they could indeed be much worse. Example: I had too little sleep last night but enjoyed being with my friends and my soulmate. (Yes I used the S word and that is an entire blog all on its own for another day). It made what would have been an incredibly stressful work day had I been well rested even more stressful. But in the height of the mania I realized 1. I was so, so grateful for the night before 2. I could be in much tougher spots. I actually used that moment to count my blessings, take some deep breaths, and realize the amount of work to do was not going to get done. Knowing I was tired made me decide to slow down and triple check things. Advice I need to give myself more often.

And I feel the power of hope spreading all across the board with my life. There’s some projects that need my attention ASAP, the government “shutdown” (JJ Watt could show them a real shutdown but whatever) is starting to affect those closest to me, and little Chloe is not showing any improvement with her mobility or her skin. Despite that clutter, I’m pretty hopeful that it will all turn out ok. And, as stated a few months ago, even if it’s not ok it’s still ok! A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have been able to say I was aligned with that statement but today I can.

The hard times really can benefit us if we let them. Doesn’t make it easier but knowing I come through everything happier and wiser is enough for me. There’s so much I am looking forward to each and every day. To think I didn’t want to even face the days a short time ago shows how much gooder I feel! So stay hopeful friends, the curves in the road takes us where we need to go. Please be wise enough to keep your eye on the signs as you travel through life though!!