I had the comment made from a friend who just “wants me to be happy” that I am still young, I look really good now, and that I don’t have to settle down. The implication was that since I get hit on, I could be out there dating a ton of guys. It kinda rubbed me wrong until I realized the perspective. This friend does love me, wants me to be happy, and would support me always. But we are very different. What we want out of life is also different. And I respect that. I love her and want the same happiness for her. But it made me realize that there may be something more in the bigger picture.

I began thinking that there is a distinct difference between pleasure and happiness. Many things please people that do not bring them happiness: alcohol, food, sex, drugs…if you can name it, it’s probably used by someone as a pleasure. And to be very clear, many of those bring me pleasure. But often they are abused because we think they will bring happiness. Anytime in my life I have based my happiness outside my soul and into these pleasures (among a thousand others), I have ended up unhappy. A series of pleasures does not equate happiness.

My biggest personal changes occurred when I withdrew some of the above mentioned pleasures. I had to cry for a long time before I came to a point where I realized I had all the control from that moment forward to live happily or not. All it had to do was come from within. I began a transformation that will likely not be complete even upon my death. I cannot give or love enough to mankind in one lifetime. Having said all that, pleasures have their time and purpose in life. The ultimate goal is to have a lasting happiness filled with sprinkles of pleasures.

I understand people–even the ones nearest & dearest to us–don’t derive happiness in all the same ways. And what pleases one doesn’t please all. I have always had the good fortune of talking truth to myself when I needed to find out what I really wanted. Not always easy and sometimes it took a blow in life to really listen to my heart, but once I did I found what I needed. I had to face my own abuses and realize I used pleasure to avoid pain. And that what I was doing was not a formula that yielded any long term gain. But I don’t assert here that I know what others need. I want my friends to be happy and experience all the pleasures of the world that supplement inner peace.

Perhaps my demeanor lately is what sparked concern. I have had too many days lately filled with snapping at people and not smiling. For those closest even I don’t think I let on what’s really going on, although I’m trying. I am in pain more days than not recently and undergoing tests and seeing specialists now to determine what exactly is off inside my body. But I am trying very, VERY hard to just make my mind up that if I had to live bald and in chronic pain for the rest of my life then I can do it with a positive attitude. I owe much of my help in creating that to Chris. I am not satisfied with my level of achievement in the attitude area, but it’s coming along with fewer self-reminders. And that’s a start. Of course, being Anxiety Girl, I go to worse case scenario. But if I can make myself happy with that, there’s no reason not to be content and let life unfold as it shall.