Days like this one, all I want is a Life Manual. A field guide on what to feel and what’s ok to express. I don’t want to sound like a whiney ass, yet I’m genuinely hurting and feel like a person should be able to admit when they are weak. And possibly I need to explain since I’m inadvertently making people feel like I’m mad at them. Today is probably the worst I’ve felt since the downhill slide of my health began. After being quizzed by the doctor yesterday, I realized the decline started much earlier than I had noticed. It was small things, such as my nail strength going from ok to shitty, that should have been a clue but I didn’t associate it as one. My symptoms now are just too obvious to ignore. And every single moment spent waiting–between making the doctor appointment to getting there and now waiting on lab work to come back–is anxiety filled!  I want to know the cause and get back to my life as it was!

The body aches and pain are constant now and every day gets worse. I thought my hair falling out was bad and that it couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong. Hair falling out AND being in nonstop pain turns out to be worse. It’s just so frustrating. Physically and mentally. It’s impossible to keep the attitude 24/7 that “all things are lessons to be learned” and “this is happening for a reason.” However, I’m trying very hard to go through my whining and self-pity stages and get back to being grateful. Because I truly believe all this is happening for reasons I haven’t figured out yet. For now, my mind constantly pulls back and forth in these directions.

And people think I’m mad at them or just mad in general. No, it’s not that at all. Every fiber from my waist up feels like it’s turning into stone or hurts. I’m not mad. It’s just hard to smile.  I have tears behind my eyes that I fight all day. I’m not even mad about whatever it is that’s going on—I’m a little scared, in lots of pain, and I just want to go to bed. In addition to that, my mind flies to every worst case scenario and I have to stop myself from googling crazy diseases to make sure my symptoms don’t fit those. I know I should relax, take a deep breath, and just let it be. I totally know that but doing it isn’t so easy. All I ask is that you bear with me until I’m back to normal. And, if you’re a pray-er, send some of those. If you’re not, but you can send some positive thoughts, that’s appreciated just as much.